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Baby Shower Does Not Involve Showering a Baby

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These days it seems like almost everyone I know are (like maybe four people, two I only know from the internet) in the “family way” and about to introduce another bundle of joy/little monster (potato/potatOH) in the world. Accompanying this terrifying event where the woman almost splits her body in two to pass a watermelon through a very much smaller than a watermelon-sized space is that almost equally terrifying baby shower.

Depending on your circle of friends, the activities can range anywhere from identifying fake poop in baby diapers (no, I didn’t make that up) to playing throw the sperm at the vagina (I should probably use quotes around two of those words). Hopefully, it’s nothing too stressful and you can hunker down in the corner by the cheese plate, drink a few beers (If it’s one of the more progressive showers. If not, I suggest packing a flask), and avoid making eye contact with anyone you could potentially procreate with, because all kinds of overwhelming baby fever and overwhelming baby panic is flying around, and if you meet anyone, most likely s/he wants one of their own, or wants to escape the complicated baby-filled life they have. And if that’s not enough, there’s one more complication, the gift!

After showing up empty handed to more weddings than I should admit (Let’s just say, one of the couples I’ve never bought a gift for has since divorced), I have learned to embrace the registry. Which goes for baby showers as well. I always want to get the couple, new baby, spoiled rotten sixteen year old featured on a MtV show, a gift that is from the heart and shows that I thought of them. But often times that involves a lot of thinking but results in no tangible gift to wrap up for the big event.

Go with the registry; it’s okay because this is what they want. That will make them happy, instead of some half-finished collage or sculpture made with your eyes closed, and does not mean you are a cold and uncaring robot. You can always supplement the gift with something more heartfelt if you feel the need. Feel no shame about picking the cheapest item on the registry. Times are tough, man. Sure, they’ll know you only spent $5.00 on diaper pins. But, hey, at least you got them something. Our Coach Sizzle also has some wise advise on the matter too.

If your hosts do not have a registry, I suggest these timeless baby gifts: the book, I Am a Bunny, any book you remember memorizing after making someone read it ten thousand times, Sophie the Giraffe, and Boo Boo Bunny.

I do not suggest: Baby’s First Lawn Darts (anything really sharp or pointy is frowned upon), ordering a stripper, even if she is dressed as a nurse or doula (I don’t even know what doulas wear), or a box of condoms (It may seem like a hysterical idea in the store. But you’ll change your tune when your gift is opened in front of everyone, including Great Grandma Jane from Nebraska who has never even said the word condom.).

Oh, and one last tip: In the Guess the Baby Food game, don’t forget one of them is probably sweet potatoes. They are making crazy shit for kids these days.

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Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica was born, moved around a lot and has an odd dialect to prove it (see: hella, bubbler, and cawfee), and is now precariously settled in SF. Despite graduating high school too many years ago to count, she was crowned Prom Queen this summer and considers her life complete now. Last year her production editing job was outsourced to the Philippines. Hope they like it. Luckily for you, this Lady of Leisure is currently accepting applications for the position of Wealthy Benefactor.