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Stonybrook 2010: The Future of the Babysitter’s Club

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As much as I loathe logging on to Facebook and immediately discovering what Edie Falco character, French pastry or WWII general each of my friends are, The Facebook Quiz “Which Babysitter’s Club Character Are You?” has spawned a sort of creative juggernaut in my brain. The discussion of the quiz (which, spoiler alert, gives everyone the result of CLAUDIA) led to a discussion with my housemate about what the Baby Sitters would have been like if we had known them in real, true, actual life. We talked about their jobs and careers and boyfriends and girlfriends and oh, just everything!

Okay, full disclosure: only about five minutes of this “conversation” actually involved my housemate; the rest took place in my sad little brain. Moving on!

The girls would probably be in their early 30s now , so after nailing down the obvious (Kristy: lesbian, possible pro-athlete; Claudia: hipster, probable cocaine enthusiast) I began to expound further and further until each characters life was so clearly and cleanly etched out that they seemed, for a brief, shining moment, to be almost human.

For those of you who didn’t spend your tween years inhaling Ann M. Martin’s literary masterworks, those of you out there who have no idea what the Baby Sitter’s Club is (recent immigrants), or just don’t care, (heterosexual males) I apologize. However the urge to extrapolate on the futures of the BSC characters is absolutely inexpugnable, so lets take a peek through my crystal ball, shall we? To Stonybrook in the year 2010!!!

KRISTY is:

Doing: After spending her post-college summers heading up the sports department at Camp Mohawk Kristy puts her old girl-gatherin’ skills to use and makes some real money by opening a high-end prostitution ring catering specifically to Greenwich, CT sexual deviant.

Dating: A 57-year old woman who used to be a school principal and is now a cat groomer with a vast inherited fortune and a collection of Tiffany lamps.

Living: Apartment in the East Village, weekend house in Old Saybrook.

Wearing: Sneakers, jeans, turtleneck and baseball hat with a picture of a collie on it

DAWN is:

Doing: Teaching English and organic farming techniques to the indigent in a small fishing village in Honduras.

Dating: A retired South American freedom fighter with a limp and a beautiful singing voice who can occasionally be found deep in his cups at the town bar, drunkenly ranting against the United Fruit Company.

Living: In a sustainable tree-house of her own design with no indoor plumbing or heating and no carbon footprint.

Wearing: Macrame everything.

STACEY is

Doing: After riding high on a wave of good fortune on Wall Street, Stacey saw that the bubble was about to burst and cashed out. She left her job and spent two years developing the perfect sugar free cupcake recipe and penning a memoir about living with diabetes called “Glucose for Comfort”.

Dating: Single, again, Although occasionally meets for no-strings-attached sex with her old personal trainer at a clean but unglamorous hotel in the Financial District.

Living: Left sprawling Soho loft for sprawling DUMBO loft which she shares with her two dogs and occasionally her burnout friend Laine.

Wearing: Yohji Yamamoto

MARY ANNE is

Doing: Teaching kindergarten, writing children’s books, baking up a storm and just generally trying to keep up a good front in the face of her husband, the Senator’s most recent public infidelity.

Dating: Happily Married but we’re going through some rough times, but who isn’t, you know, I mean marriage is a comittment and nobody’s perfect right? Marshmallow Square?

Living: Greenwich, CT

Wearing: Ann Taylor separates, and one long braid.

CLAUDIA is

Doing: Working part time at Opening Ceremony and putting the finishing touches on her first line of handbags and accessories to be sold at various boutiques in the Brooklyn area.

Dating: He’s in a band.

Living: Greenpoint. She bikes to work.

Wearing: Oversized mens shirt, patchwork vest, black leather leggings, brown leather ankle boots, oversized hobo bag from a Vivienne Westwood sample sale. Earrings made of old railroad ties and an oversized parrot pendant.

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BAS Writers

BAS Writers

BAS Writers is mostly a collection of articles written by people for the early days of this site. Back then nobody knew that snarky articles they were writing could come back and haunt them when job searching a decade later.