Saying Goodbye to Four Loko
I really hate the government. Regulating food and drugs and all that… What gives them the right to ban us from ingesting mass quantities of caffeinated malt liquor, blacking out, and vomiting all over unsuspecting people and things?
But it looks as though there is nothing we can do. A couple of college kids wind up in the hospital and all of a sudden, Four Loko is made out to be some villain. Well, I personally think we would be doing ourselves and Four Loko a disservice if we didn’t give it a proper send off. If you live in New York or any of the states in orange on the Four Lokator, then there are only a precious few days left to stock up, as most of the bans take effect in December. In some areas Four Loko is already completely gone from shelves, so if you find some, don’t be picky. Fruit punch is obviously the worst flavor, but there is no TIME to be discriminatory; they all taste vaguely like stomach acid so there’s no escaping that anyhow. Plus, if you’re stuck with a lot of the fruit punch, mixing Four Lokos occasionally yields delicious results. A little bit of the purple kind easily covers up the flavor of the green kind, and so on.
So what is the proper etiquette for honoring the memory of Four Loko? Excellent question. There is no one “right” way, apart from drinking at least enough to make you sick, but here are a few tips:
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1) Throw a prohibition-themed party
Has anyone else been watching “Boardwalk Empire,” through totally legal means, that do no involve torrents? Me too! The parallels here are numerous. What suffragette women of the 20s did to the nation during prohibition is essentially what the FDA is doing to all of us now. Therefore this is the perfect excuse to go to Ricky’s, get some long cigarette holders, fedoras, hats with feathers and maybe a couple boas, and serve your Four Loko out of martini glasses and brandy snifters. Then, obvs, get wasted.
2) Invite some of your exes, just in case the Four Loko alone might not ruin your life
If fourlokostories.com is any indication, you will do something highly regrettable during the course of this night. You might as well be proactive about the situation.
3) Clear the following day of any activities beyond ordering take-out and sleeping late
Or, go ahead and plan to meet your aunt for lunch, assuming your hangover will not last past 3 pm. Ha ha ha!
4) For the purposes of science, attempt to record what happens
Drinking more than one Four Loko is like entering a Bermuda Triangle of drunkenness. Yet, for posterity, I feel the world should have some clear account of exactly what happens after 3+ Four Lokos. Designate a camera person or stenographer (if your stenongrapher is also drinking Four Loko, results will be… sketchy) to take notes and record things you would obviously not otherwise remember. Then review them later. My stenographer was indeed drunk, so this is all we recorded:
— “Every time I take a sip of Four Loko, a piece of me dies.”
— “I wish there wasn’t a knife on the table, but you know, it’s cool.”
— “Making Four Loko cocktails is a multicultural experience. Every color of the rainbow is represented.” “Except Black.”
Then at some point, it appears we made a trip to McDonald’s, and had a discussion about chicken nuggets shaped like “bro-han-a-sauruses”. This was the final transmission, approximately two or three Four Lokos in: “Let’s go to a bar!!” “Nooooo.” “Let’s go to Black Rabbit!” “Nooooooo. … Okay.”