Booze

Saying Goodbye to Four Loko

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I really hate the government. Regulating food and drugs and all that… What gives them the right to ban us from ingesting mass quantities of caffeinated malt liquor, blacking out, and vomiting all over unsuspecting people and things?

But it looks as though there is nothing we can do. A couple of college kids wind up in the hospital and all of a sudden, Four Loko is made out to be some villain. Well, I personally think we would be doing ourselves and Four Loko a disservice if we didn’t give it a proper send off. If you live in New York or any of the states in orange on the Four Lokator, then there are only a precious few days left to stock up, as most of the bans take effect in December. In some areas Four Loko is already completely gone from shelves, so if you find some, don’t be picky. Fruit punch is obviously the worst flavor, but there is no TIME to be discriminatory; they all taste vaguely like stomach acid so there’s no escaping that anyhow. Plus, if you’re stuck with a lot of the fruit punch, mixing Four Lokos occasionally yields delicious results. A little bit of the purple kind easily covers up the flavor of the green kind, and so on.

So what is the proper etiquette for honoring the memory of Four Loko? Excellent question. There is no one “right” way, apart from drinking at least enough to make you sick, but here are a few tips:

1) Throw a prohibition-themed party

Has anyone else been watching “Boardwalk Empire,” through totally legal means, that do no involve torrents? Me too! The parallels here are numerous. What suffragette women of the 20s did to the nation during prohibition is essentially what the FDA is doing to all of us now. Therefore this is the perfect excuse to go to Ricky’s, get some long cigarette holders, fedoras, hats with feathers and maybe a couple boas, and serve your Four Loko out of martini glasses and brandy snifters. Then, obvs, get wasted.

2) Invite some of your exes, just in case the Four Loko alone might not ruin your life

If fourlokostories.com is any indication, you will do something highly regrettable during the course of this night. You might as well be proactive about the situation.

3) Clear the following day of any activities beyond ordering take-out and sleeping late

Or, go ahead and plan to meet your aunt for lunch, assuming your hangover will not last past 3 pm. Ha ha ha!

4) For the purposes of science, attempt to record what happens

Drinking more than one Four Loko is like entering a Bermuda Triangle of drunkenness. Yet, for posterity, I feel the world should have some clear account of exactly what happens after 3+ Four Lokos. Designate a camera person or stenographer (if your stenongrapher is also drinking Four Loko, results will be… sketchy) to take notes and record things you would obviously not otherwise remember. Then review them later. My stenographer was indeed drunk, so this is all we recorded:

— “Every time I take a sip of Four Loko, a piece of me dies.”

— “I wish there wasn’t a knife on the table, but you know, it’s cool.”

— “Making Four Loko cocktails is a multicultural experience. Every color of the rainbow is represented.” “Except Black.”

Then at some point, it appears we made a trip to McDonald’s, and had a discussion about chicken nuggets shaped like “bro-han-a-sauruses”. This was the final transmission, approximately two or three Four Lokos in: “Let’s go to a bar!!” “Nooooo.” “Let’s go to Black Rabbit!” “Nooooooo. … Okay.”

[youtube uEKMgB5OYPk]

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Katy B. - Economic Inexpert

Katy B. - Economic Inexpert

Katy B. grew up in Grand Rapids, Michigan, the home of Gerald R. Ford, Andy Richter, and, at one point, the guy who wrote Mr. Holland's Opus. She moved to NYC for her degree in library science, and is now in the Media Studies program at The New School. She hopes to one day be a film studies librarian. Ask her anything about Dewey Decimal – anything! – and she will roll her eyes because academic libraries use Library of Congress. Durrr.

6 Comments

  1. Christy Jovanelly - Cheapskate Commentator
    December 3, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I don’t want to say goodbye =(

  2. Katy B. - Economic Inexpert
    December 3, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I guess we’ll all just have to go back to PCP or something… ugh. Not the same!

  3. Rebecca Pederson - Cheap Date
    December 3, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    This is hilarious.

  4. Bonnie Duncan
    December 11, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    so there’s this bar owner I’m good friends with…and when we first got wind of the possible ban on the loko he called his distributor and bought up 15 or so cases…when it warms up a bit we are going to be doing four loko slushies…I’ll keep the broke asses informed…Stuart, you know who I’m talking about…this has to be one of the worst ideas I’ve ever come up with, so you know it’ll be awesome….

  5. […] know how heartbroken many of you were when it was time to say goodbye to Four Loko, the widely revered and fondly nicknamed “blackout  in a can.”  If you haven’t […]