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Things You Can’t Leave the House Without in San Francisco

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It’s always good to make sure you’re prepared in a city like San Francisco, because you never really know what’s going to happen at any given moment. I put together this check list for all you cum dumpsters to make sure you’re ready when shit hits the fan:

1. Jacket

Anyone who spends more than one hour in San Francisco knows the weather changes every ten minutes. I once looked out a window from the top of a flight of stairs and saw it was a sunny day and in the time I reached the bottom it was dark, ugly and clammy. But enough about your sex life, I’m tryin’ to tell a story. Like mom always says, “You’re the abortion I never had, now put on your coat!”

2. Emergency Cab Money

It’s a good idea to tuck away a $20 bill in your wallet or purse to have as emergency cab money should you ever get caught in a sticky situation. We’ve all had that moment where one minute you’re at your niece’s piano recital, and the next minute you’re railing coke off a hooker’s ass. And then you have to try and make it through the rest of the recital, it’s always good to have an evacuation plan ready to go.

3. Mace or other self defense

I’m not condoning violence, but you never know when someone might get in your face and you need some self defense. I’ve seen more than a few creeps wandering these streets, look at Stuart for christ’s sake. They can attack at any time. Like mom’s bed-time nursery rhymes, “Good little boys get lots of toys, but bad little boys get a face full of mace. Goodnight.

4. Comfortable Shoes

My friend and I were at Twin Peaks once and she described San Francisco as a “a gridded blanket thrown over hills.” Obviously she’s retarded and we don’t hang anymore, but the hills are pretty intense. When I first moved to the city, the amount of climbing was so insane that I ached in muscles I didn’t even know I had.. down there. Hey, don’t be such a pervert. I mean in my penis.

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Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"


  1. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    October 28, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    That photo of the monkey is amazing!!

  2. Elan Gaite
    October 29, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Really good article. Thank you.

  3. Laurel
    October 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Ha ha ha! Hilarious!