Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Decent Into Hell
Underwearz. Most of yours are probably pretty sad-looking, if you are a lady, because bra and underwear shopping sucks and is super expensive. I understand. Most of the time I prefer to wear what is basically a sports bra, because it goes well with all my racerback shirts and is super comfortable. Plus, I do not really care about underwear. If the person who regularly sees me naked would dare criticize my sad undergarments, I would be like, Oh I’m sorry, I guess I’ll just put my boobs away!!
But good lord, let’s keep it real, that shit is unattractive. No one is turned on by a pair of organic cotton bloomers that lost all their elasticity several washes ago. It’s time to buy some new ones!
Victoria’s Secret is awful, and the semi-annual sale is by far the worst time to ever be in a Victoria’s Secret, but the prices do make it worth it. Yesterday, every pair of underwear was $2.99!! Amazing. Plus, with a little preparedness, you won’t want to kill yourself or any of the salespeople during this trip.
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1) Try and shop before 5pm or on a weekday
I went on a Thursday after a dentist appointment, and it was packed but manageable. Don’t ever go on a weekend. The crowds are completely dehumanizing, and people will get just plain nasty in the struggle for the last black Biofit 34B. It’s a disturbing event that you don’t want to put yourself through.
2) Don’t bring your boyfriend shopping
Unless you secretly hate him. Then, by all means.
3) There is some nice underwear underneath the retarded ones, so be diligent
The “Victoria” in Victoria’s Secret, is not, of course, an actual person, and instead stands for the fashions of Victorian England in general. However, if she were a real person, Victoria would have to have the lowest self-esteem ever.
There really is some nice stuff underneath the junk, though. I recommend ignoring the bins and just going straight through the drawers below each display. It’s way faster.
4) Be weary of salespeople trying to give you “accurate” measurements
Every time I am in this store someone wants to measure me and tell me my bra size, and I always get a different answer, despite the fact that my boobs have been relatively unchanged since the 10th grade. It’s often a size smaller than what I usually wear, but I’m not Posh Spice and don’t need my cleavage hanging out near my collar bone, so I’m always like, great, thank you! Then completely disregard their measurement advice.
5) Ignore skeazy fellow shoppers there to re-sell stuff on Ebay
Yesterday there were five rather destitute-looking old men shopping next to me, dumping mass quantities of stuff into bags. They could have been shopping for their wives or girlfriends, but I sort of doubt it, because occasionally they’d hold up a pair of thongs, eyebrows raised, and try to make eye contact with any woman nearby, to communicate that they could picture you in said pair of underwear, and they liked what they saw!! In their imagination!
In conclusion, there are only a few more days to put yourself through all this in the name of cheap underwear, as the sale goes until around the 17th. Godspeed.