Sex and Dating

You’ve Made it Past Valentine’s Day: Now What?

Sign Up for the Dopest Events Newsletter in the Bay Area

Men-scared-of-commitment listophobia

Valentine’s Day can sometimes be a lot of pressure when you’re in a new relationship– or especially if you don’t know whether or not you’re technically in a relationship at all. Once you’ve successfully gotten past it, you’re home free, right? WRONG. Consider this a lesser-wedding. There’s so much hype around Valentine’s Day, that sometimes people never think about what’s gonna happen AFTER that…which is pretty much what 99.9% (it’s a fact, I took a poll of everyone who has ever lived) of the population does with weddings/marriage.

Here are some potential scenarios:

science_valentine_card off the meathook

1) You and your whoever scoffed at the very idea of Valentine’s Day, except you secretly wanted them to surprise you with something, even if it was ironic.
First of all, you can’t feel ironically about something if you genuinely like it. If you genuinely like it, fucking own it, already (even if it’s stupid and lame). You’re basically setting yourself up for failure here. The lesson here is hackneyed, but true– just be yourself. If you’re with some person that would think you’re lame because you feel some way about “X” thing, then you should probably not be with that person.

Bradley-Coope full issuer

2) Your significant other is probably a robot, because their idea of a good Valentine’s day was so fucking cheesy and hollow, you can’t possibly conceive of how there’s a real live person inside that shell of a human.
Well, this one’s easy– break up with them so they can find the other half of their Hallmark magnetic bear.

Best Newsletter Ever!

Join our weekly newsletter so we can send you awesome freebies, weird events, incredible articles, and gold doubloons (note: one of these is not true).

3) If you happened to have a great time on Valentine’s Day with someone you’ve been seeing, but aren’t in a relationship….
This does NOT, I repeat, NOT mean that you SHOULD be in a relationship with this person, or even try. Some things just need to be left as they are– like, I would be very sad to see a bad season 3 of Party Down, because it holds a special place in my heart that I’m hoping will be there forever. It is My Struggle, guys.

4) If your Valentine’s Day was just kind of “meh”
This is probably, more often than not, what WILL probably happen to you. I know disastrous people/things can really light some fire under your ass in terms of taking care of biz-nass, but there’s something to be said for being left lukewarm– generally, I mean, not JUST on that day. Chances are, you and the person you’re with are probably bored with each other– or at least just “not that into” each other. There’s really no reason to stay here, even if they’re a reasonably nice person. If you’re not completely in love with them, it’s just like….what’s the point?

bride gatorbride

5) Everything turned out exactly as you wanted it to…..but now the bar is SO HIGH, how can you possibly ever top it omgomgomg!?
Well, this could go one of two ways– you can and you will top it and you should stop worrying, or, you’ve put entirely too much significance on this most offensively conventional of holidays, and you’ll probably do the same for what can only possibly be a vomit-inducing wedding. You probably know what the answer is.

Photos Courtesy of: Listophobia, Off The Meathook, Full Issue, and Gator Bride.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

FREE Phil Collins Day Parade

Next post

Cure the Valentine Blues with Smith Westerns Tonight at Amoeba

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.