Sex and Dating

Movies That Eerily Depict Dudes You’ve Dated

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We’re all familiar with the Aaron Samuels archetype in movies– the dude that has no real discernible personality but is hot and is there mainly to serve as “the guy” for the female protagonist. But, you know, he’s not a real person– which is why it’s always kind of weird to see characters that hit a little too close to home.

1) The guy who thinks he’s some sort of edgy/tough guy Renaissance man– Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine

I’m hoping I don’t inadvertently  spoil this movie, but Ryan Gosling’s character in Blue Valentine, Dean, is the classic dude who supposedly has potential, seems edgy at first, but is actually a huge fucking loser. He’s actually sort of secretly your mother– he’ll only do good things if it means that he’ll come off looking like a martyr. He gets off on what he thinks is “flipping the script” by wearing a Misfits shirts and then saying something about Plato. Except, he probably misinterpreted Plato, if he understood it at all. In his mind, he’s Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, but really, he probably deserves to be a janitor. On another note– it’s funny though, how Gosling is trying to distance himself from his “Hey Girl” image.

2) The bitter, entitled nerd– Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

If nothing else, this movie was pretty spot-on in its depiction of the entitled/misogynist nerd. Instead of subtlety and ambiguous-ness, however, it just made me think of how much I particularly loathe this type of person. They’re bitter because they think the reason they’re not getting laid is because they’re not attractive enough, and they take this out on women by what they think is being “smarter”, ie. being misogynists and acting exactly and SHOCKINGLY like the very “bros” they allegedly hate. But really, many women are repulsed by them because, you know, they HATE WOMEN, and yeah, are unattractive to boot.  Also, I know this is a bit off-topic, but I will NEVER understand the sexual appeal of Justin Timberlake. EVER. He is gross, you guys.

3) The comic book/music guy who thinks he has all the answers and won’t ever shut up– Jason Lee, Mallrats OR John Cusak, High Fidelity/Hot Tub Time Machine
This is sort of a variation on the bitter, entitled nerd. Maybe he’s not that unattractive, but he’s not very smart either. He sort of has a touch of idiot savant, just in the sense that if you keep talking, maybe one thing you say will make sense. But generally, it doesn’t. He’s most often talking about his “theories” in gender theory, nevermind that he’s never read any actual academic work on the matter, as though he’s really blown the lid off of the whole thing with his “girls don’t like sex and like to play with dolls, and men are hunters, not gatherers!”

4) Seth Rogen, in pretty much any movie he’s in

He’s pretty innocuous, especially if you’re not the one dating him. I mean, he might be fun to hang out with, but he doesn’t really have any ambition or desire to advance beyond high school or college-age. All he wants to do is smoke weed, play video games, and maybe get laid every once in a while. His pop culture knowledge may be fun and funny at first, but there’s  really nothing much else there.

5) Matthew McConaughey, in pretty much any movie he’s in

Well, I guess I haven’t necessarily seen many Matthew McConaughey movies, but he strikes me as the type that doesn’t have much range. I guess he’s the stoner that somehow does get laid– mostly because he’s not entirely unattractive. Though, chances are he probably won’t be in any way interesting to talk to or hang out with. Beware also in any mention/implication of reggae or references to “Jah”.

Photos courtesy of: The Frisky, The Awesome Village, Yahoo Movies, Hollywood Outbreak, and Michael T. Hanley.

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.