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Broke-Ass Fun: Become an Astrology-Obsessed Nutcase

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At an art show the other day, I met a princely man in a pea green windbreaker,  tribal print backwards baseball hat, and turquoise necklace.  I knew that we would get along, and not just because he was channeling a nature walk-loving Will Smith circa Fresh Prince of Bel Air-slash- my Rosebud Sioux grandma, Connie Jo.  I knew that we would get along because he was a Gemini, and I am a Leo, and Geminis and Leos are like, pals.  He was also the type of nutcase who likes to talk about astrology just as much as I do, which really helps, because I like to talk about astrology a lot.  In fact, I can barely meet a new person without asking him or her when their birthday is, and then totally and completely judging them for it.  Astrology can be a very useful tool in understanding this perplexing thing called Life, particularly for people who might be in the midst of a raging quarter life crisis, lookin’ for some quick answers, and didn’t have enough money to consult Oprah before her show went off the air (me).  Here are some reasons why I will read my monthly horoscope until the end of my days:

1) Astrology can help you understand yourself… and make excuses for all of your character flaws.  For example, I am a Double Leo with a Scorpio moon– which means that I’m supposed to be a big ass narcissist with a fragile ego and lunatic-status mood swings.  In the “real world,” I would never be able to get away with things like: talking about myself non-stop, or crying in the salon after getting baby bangs, or ripping off my shoe and throwing it at my boyfriend when he says that he doesn’t like my new orange platform sandals, or seriously thinking that my greasy hair and crushed velvet leggings are going to be the Next Big Thing to hit the streets of Williamsburg.  But my zodiac-loving friends know that it’s not me, per se, propelling footwear at people’s heads– it’s my astrological chart a-talkin’.  The planets aligned to hardwire Little Old Me to constantly act like I’m a 57 year old, wine-swigging divorcee on hormone replacement therapy– any New Age, horoscope-consulting freak knows this.  So, I make no apologies.  If I’ve gone to the Dark Side, it’s just my Scorpio moon acting up again (or maybe I’m about to get my period– sometimes it’s hard to tell).

2) Much like Patti Stanger or that popular girl in high school who now has two kids and bad highlights, astrology can tell you who you should get along with, and who you should steer clear from.  I don’t care if you smell like the dumpster behind an express Chinese food restaurant and failed out of truck driver school– if you’re a Pisces, I love you.  You have a certain clingy quality that really speaks to my inner attention whore.  Virgos, on the other hand, are supposed to stifle my one-woman show with all of their practicality and worrying (it’s not you– it’s me, Virgos).  Without my trusty zodiac, I wouldn’t be able to pigeonhole people in the blink of a false, glitter-caked eyelash, and what fun would that be?  Getting to know people before judging them on something they can’t control in the least?  Leave it to those level-headed Virgos, I say.

3) Much like Obama or that unpopular guy in high school who is now a totally smokin’ big wig, astrology can give you hope.  Wondering why things aren’t going your way?  Well, honey, Mercury’s in retrograde, but it will go direct on the 25th.  Hot to trot?  Your most romantic days next month will be the 2nd, 18th, and 27th.  Total broke-ass?  There’s a new moon in your career house on the 12th.  Astrology can give you something to look forward to besides pay day, happy hour margaritas, and Wednesday mornings when that crucial babe with the mean latte-making skills works at the neighborhood cafe.  And if your horoscope dreams don’t come true, at least you have something to keep you optimistic in the meantime.

Some people might think that astrology is a crock, but I don’t care.  Ultimately, reading my horoscope is a fun, FREE hobby that never gets old, and jumpstarts many a party conversation.  Because while not everyone may be a self-obsessed Double Leo like your’s truly, everyone secretly loves talking about themselves a little bit– if this wasn’t true, Facebook wouldn’t exist!  Astrology allows me to self-analyze and fantasize for hours, and makes me feel less self-conscious about my inherent need to sashay down the block in a leopard print frock with hopes of catching the eye of a fine Sagittarius.  So, read your horoscope– sometimes the pick-me-up you need can be found in the stars (or, you know, on the Internet).

Photo credit: Good Time Oatmeal Astology

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Carrie Laven - Pretty Penniless

Carrie Laven - Pretty Penniless

Carrie Laven is a natural-born storyteller from California, but she
lives in New York now. She likes dogs, nail art, and Mexican food,
but mostly she likes scoring sweet deals at thrift stores. She tends
to have a flair for the dramatic.