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PDeXes and Why There is a Strong Possibility That We Are All Dying Alone*

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GRRRR! Let’s date!

Portland is not famous for it’s “people who are committed to just sleeping with one dude or chick for a presumably extended period of time” rate, let alone the amount of successful marriages. Whether you’re hanging out with someone in their mid-30s who is struggling not to overdose on a weeknight, or you’re receiving a solicitation for your participation in group sex via text, (ummm…neither of them happened to me…I’m just asking…like, for a friend) trying to find a simple, successful relationship here might seem comparable to figuring out why there is such a long fucking line at Screen Door every goddamned day. (It’s just fried chicken, dudes.) Anyway, the majority of everything never works out, ever, so let’s take a look at the different types of colorful boy-girl, girl-girl, boy-boy relationships that I’ve observed here, and what they consist of, ok?

Re-JECTED!

The “You’ll Do” (aka Booty Calls)

Basic. Same as every city, but be extra sure you/he/she has run out of options, because if you’re getting called on for this, you’re probably a last resort. Does this hurt your feelings? Then don’t pick up the phone/answer the text. Keep in mind that you’re both getting what you “want” presumably – at least, for the moment or whatever. Make sure your door is well-greased so they don’t wake you up when they’re sneaking out in the morning – and ladies (and dudes! if heels are your thing), leave the heels off till you get outside, for the exact same reason. Nothing’s a bigger bummer than hanging around where you’re not wanted.

“We’re NOT Dating!” Dating

“You guys are dating,” say your friends. “No we’re NOT!” you’ll both exclaim. And you’re totally dating other people, looking for a distraction, and you probably have some sort of competitive thing going on, as to who could care less about the other, but jealousy exudes from you both and it’s totally annoying, and you might as well admit defeat and just go out, because your friends are sick of you asking about each other and anyway you’re chalant as fuck, so just go to PDX Pop Now! together and let the thing run it’s course. It’s like, two weeks out of your life. Max.

Someone always gets left out.

The “I Will Make Out With You At A Show or Something”

You know that one dude/chick that you see everywhere? What’s their name? Scott? Was it Sarah? Angela? Jack? Whatever. You’ll see them at a show and be twisted enough to make out with them in public, soon, and their ex will see, and it’ll be a thing, and some dramatic fall-out will happen and you’ll probably get a barrage of texts from unknown numbers being all “WTF, mate?” but you’ll just review them over mimosas at brunch with your real friends the next day. And probably repeat the same thing, with the same somebody, at the next foggy show.

Your “Favorite” Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend (aka The One That Keeps Showing Up)

It really meant something to you. You may have enjoyed more than three slices of Sizzle Pie together, held hands in public one time, or shared a really romantic memorable day in the park, if only you could remember it. You’re friends speculate about “that one guy/chick you were hanging out with for a second who wasn’t even that annoying,” and maybe they ask you what happened. “I don’t know,” you’ll say, with a foggy nostalgic look in your eye, as you stumble to the other end of the bar, where the cute DJ is sitting.

“You just, like, don’t understand our relationship, or whatever.”

The Fight-in-Public Couple

Friend 1: “Dude. DUUUUUUDE. They’re at it again.”

Friend 2: “I know, dude. We didn’t even invite his chick, she just showed up!”

Friend 1: “Dude she ALWAYS does this.”

Friend 2: “Dude so does HE!”

This is the conversation you’ll have with a friend when this kind of couple is seen anywhere together. They are embarrassing. Always drunk. Sid and Nancy. Not fun to be around. But they REFUSE to break up, even though they’re ruining everyone’s everything, every time they’re anywhere. Then they just eventually lose friends because they’re harshing everyone’s mellow anyway. Don’t worry, they’ll get wise to it eventually.**

**Note that during the occasional two hours per month when these people are getting along, they may become the….

I swear I’ve never felt this way before!

“We Are in LOVE, Dammit, and We Want You and Everyone to Know It, So We Will French Kiss in Public All of The Time” Couple

God – you know? These are the worst. The absolute worst – licking each other’s faces, giggling when someone calls them out on it, etc.,- it’s like the equivalent of seeing your best friend in a porn. No matter how liberated you are, everyone involved just feels weird. I think we all know…the happier you are in a relationship, the less you’ll feel moved to make out with your person in public. Don’t call the couple out on it publicly though – they feed off that. I say this out of bitterness as well as disgust.

*Not all of these relationships are Portland-exclusive. Prices and participation may vary.

Do you recognize any of these couples as your friends? Yourself? Are you in a failing relationship? Are you in a successful relationship? Do you lick people’s faces in public? Let’s discuss.

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Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.