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Never Ever Take Responsibility For Your Life: A How To Guide

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You might think that growing up is all about talking stock of your desires, the realities you face, and the choices you need to make in order to live a self-sufficient, respectable existence. That’s why – if you’re like many young broke people (i.e. every inhabitant of North Brooklyn) – you dread growing up almost as much as you dread honesty, restaurant chains, and a Republican in office.

Taking responsibility for your life is tough. It requires facing the truth about your natural faculties. After all, if mommy and daddy aren’t stopping you from becoming the next Hemingway… then you really have to face the fact that you’re a talentless hack. At some point you might even realize that the lack of offers from Random House isn’t all that surprising… given that you’ve never actually authored one finished work.

So prospects for future happiness (and employability) aren’t looking rosy.

But don’t worry.

Because if we take a good look at the adults all around us, we discover that taking responsibility is definitely not a steadfast requirement for adulthood. So why trouble yourself? Possessions… credit scores… driver’s licenses… leases… all these things require we maintain a base level of personal consistency. And that’s just such a drag.

So let’s reject responsibility, respectability, constancy, honesty, dependability, and all the other slight inconveniences we must put up with in this hard-fought life.

Here’s a few tips…

1) NEVER sign a lease. Instead, just surf Air BnB’s weekly and monthly rooms, being careful to never stay one place for too long. They might draw up a subletter’s agreement. NO WAY! The best part of Air BnB is that rooms and apartments come furnished so you’ll be all set for my next tip…

2) NEVER buy furniture. If you move, then you’ll just have to truck it on down the line with you. And then you would have to rent a truck. Or hire some guys. Either way, you’ll end up signing something, and that’s a problem because if THEY have evidence that you exist then they’ll start asking why you…

3) NEVER fill out forms accurately. Getting back from a backpacking trip through South-East Asia? Change a couple letters and numbers on your customs form. By the time they run it through the system, you’ll be long gone and who the hell is Jeff Butsneaze? The same applies for visits to the doctor’s office. The only trouble is that sometimes the doctor checks out your insurance before he services you… and that’s going to be a problem because you…

4) NEVER take out insurance. Cars. Health. Homeowner’s. The first and last are pretty easy to accomplish since you won’t ever own a car or a home. However, not having health insurance is technically illegal as of 2014 (as is lying on government forms FYI). But here’s the skinny: there’s no legal way to enforce the mandate so you’re all good. Still, if you let that be known, your friends might take issue with your lawbreaking, so always remember to …

5) NEVER tell anyone anything about you. This is also a great technique for dating. The less a potential mate knows about your depressing lifestyle, the more likely they are to give in to your advances. The same principle can help you in your dealings with friends and the police. Remember to keep it vague. However, do be careful around employers because they may want to run a background check. Then you’ll have to give them accurate information. And all of a sudden, there you are with a permanent address filing your taxes. BOOO! Talk about a bummer! So be sure to…

6) NEVER get a real job. If it requires paper work, don’t do it. That’s a rule to live by right there. If you’re wondering how to get by without paperwork, take a lesson from those dudes standing on street corners in South Williamsburg. You can bet that they’re paper free in every sense of that expression! Don’t take checks. Pretend you don’t have a bank account. Better yet, never get a bank account!

a beautiful future awaits…

Well, I think I’ve given you enough to work on already. But before you go fake your own death by sending your car off a cliff, here’s one last piece of advice for the road…

7) ALWAYS be a little drunk. Have you ever tried getting accurate info out of drunk person? Have you ever noticed how much trouble you have closing out your tab when you’re super hammered? Being too drunk to face your problems is a tried and true technique. Here’s to adulthood!

Photo Credit: Julia Chesky

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Jules Owen - Wandering Wastrel

Jules Owen - Wandering Wastrel

Going to a rich kid school when you aren't even given an allowance certainly trains you to live large on the cheap. Armed with such expertise, Jules travelled the globe, surviving off of 50 cent beers and 2 dollar meals everywhere from Buenos Aires to Mumbai. Three years ago he returned to the United States, living first in Baltimore while he settled a debt with the IRS, then in Brooklyn where he plays music and writes. He aspires to one day live in a van on N.15th and Kent.