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Cheap Dates: Super Size Me

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I’m not the first and certainly won’t be the last person to write about the importance of male penis size, but hey, dick talk be making it rain hella page views up in this server. Plus, in the wake of the recent size scandal at Subway, it seemed as good a time as any.

The media places pretty exacting standards of physical beauty on men (unlike their female counterparts), and according to my penis, it’s recently reached a tipping point come to a head.

Photo via The Daily Mail

Penis size is something that I’ve been concerned about pretty much ever since my dad took me to use a public restroom, which I immediately mistook for an Italian salumeria. Be it in a movie for comedic effect, or an illustration in a science book, every depiction I saw of a penis always seemed to be larger than mine. The advent of streaming internet porn didn’t help (NSFW or places where snake-charming videos are frowned upon.) I began seriously questioning whether or not my penis was up to snuffaluffagus, and how much that would matter to women.

According to a study I conducted with the girl half-awake on the pillow next to me, size doesn’t matter a whole lot. But anytime a female I’ve been intimate with has said as much, it’s provided me with little reassurance. It’s hard to believe that many of these women wouldn’t lie – if not to spare my feelings, then to perhaps falsify a sense of satisfaction with me as a partner. Many women will go on to make the appendage that my penis appears to be the same size as most of the penisia they’ve encountered, some even that it’s the largest. That’s when things start getting really dubious. I’ve seen my share of cock, both flacid and otherwise, and I can say unequivocally mine is NOT the largest one I’ve encountered. So it actually tends to make matters worse when a girl goes out of her way in bed to say things like my “cock is so big” or “your dick is like a two-liter of Diet Squirt filled with water and dry-ice turned into an 8th grade bottle rocket science experiment.” I mean who’s going to believe a girl actually found a bottle of empty Diet Squirt anywhere? I want honesty in my relationships.

So once again Google becomes my best worst friend, where I can read studies like this one that asserts that a larger sized penis is in fact preferable to many women. And while for every study showing this or that, there’s another one claiming evidence completely to the contrary, I have yet to see any studies published that demonstrate women prefer a below-average sized penis.

For this next part, I actually had to go out and buy a tape measure. According to stuff I read on wikipedia at some point or another, my penis falls within the range of “average”, measuring 5.25″  from the shaft (28.5″ from the butthole). Other studies suggest that I’m below average, with the high mean reaching as much as 6.3″ in length. For comparison, I made this visual approximation of the varying states of my self-esteem throughout writing this article:


As a man (with a penis) I can tell you that penis size does matter to me. And there’s three main reasons why:

1) Her Pleasure
As discussed above, it does seem there is certainly some pleasure women derive from the actual size of the penis’s length and girth. While my length is 5.25″, my girth is 5.1″, putting me at the high-end of that average, and effectively meaning I have a cube for a penis. But the more penis there is, the more surface area there is to stimulate a woman on the inside (ignore the clitoris, it doesn’t do anything). If that wasn’t true, then the producers of the Ouch! That’s My Cervix! might want to consider a new niche porn line.

There’s also some aesthetic value here. I think everyone – men included – agree that a bigger dick “looks” better. There’s more to see and therefore more to understand what’s going on. It’s precisely why they have larger dicks in porn – you can tell who’s in what hole while still managing to fit a wide-angle lens underneath some dude’s taint. And I think aesthetic value is worth something. As crappy as it is to say, there are some labias that I find more aesthetically appealing than others, and it would be remiss of me not to admit that.

The bottom line is that most men want to feel like they’re physically satisfying a woman. And while I recognize that penis size isn’t everything, I think it’s worthwhile to note that it is one of many assets that we as men can provide. I’ve talked with many men who’ve all said they’d rather  surgically remove an inch of their finger than lose an inch of their penis’ length. I do think that perhaps what I lack in penis size has encouraged me to hone my aptitude in other areas such as cunnilingus, verbal communication, and Porsche buying (I’m sure Mozart was a great composer in part because he was a pussy on the cricket field), but it would certainly be nice to bring it all to the table.

2) Dick-Swinging with the Boys
I’ve always said that women care more about what other women are wearing than men do. It’s pretty impossible for me to tell if you’re wearing the most expensive shoes, let alone to name more than one female show brand (Chinos? Okay… just Googled, and yeah. Let’s go with Uggs.) Well that’s kind of what it’s like for dick size with men. Anytime I see an event like the World Naked Bike Ride (NSFW-ish), it always seems to be less about the cause and more about a bunch of people who want to show off their junk. I lived in the Co-ops in Berkeley, and for every naked event I attended, I was always surrounded by guys with HUGE dicks. It makes sense – it’s like the guys who want to take off their shirts for every possible photo op, but it really gets my goat that that standard is being waved around to the rest of the world.

But rather than encouraging these guys to sheathe their swords, I think the little guys should be more welcomed in showing what they got. One of the areas where I do think women have an advantage in the bedroom is with breast size. I’m not suggesting there’s not massive amounts of pressure on women to be well-endowed, but I do think a degree of pressure is relieved when it’s more or less all out there from the onset. If I had to tell you my dick size right at the beginning of a date, I think the rest of the date would actually be relatively pressure free. And if there was any actual halfway-decent penis enlargement surgery, I know a lot more men would consider it.

So men, particularly those of low to average size, next time you’re in the locker room – drop trou and gallivant about. And see where your next date takes you when in the first five minutes you mention “I read this article on BAS, and by the way my penis size is ____”. (Another idea brought to you by 4:00am).

3) The Logistics
Here’s perhaps my biggest gripe with penis size. I can’t do what I want with it. That spoonie-effing thing? Can’t do it. Girl’s hands on cock while also in her mouth? Can’t do it. Slipping out during doggy-style? Yep. I’ve even had condoms slip off several times (who wants to go on a rescue mission?) So there’s a point where the inconvenience, the limiting of sexual positions, and the physical shortage of space actually impinge on my own ability to get the most out of sex.

What does it all mean? It means open up a dialogue with your partner (FREE), talk about these issues in a low-pressure, ongoing manner (FREE), and then go visit the Antique Vibrator Museum at Good Vibes (FREE) and load up on all sorts of stuff (NOT free!)  that’ll make your lady love you no matter what your shortcoming are.

Porn Pick of the Week (NSFW): Sucking Cock on the Beach (shout to Nick Palm for picking this based on dialogue, award-winning acting, and implied ghost sex on a green-screened beach.)

Also TONIGHT! I’ll be performing at SF Sketchfest along with people from Comedy Central like Maronzio Vance, FilmDrunk’s Vince Mancini and more! Get your tickets here!

Women – what are your thoughts on penis size? Men – what role has penis size played in your life? Let me know in the comments!

Antique Vibrator Museum @ Good Vibrations
1620 Polk St@ Clay St [Nob Hill]
Hours Vary – call (415) 345-0400
FREE entry

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Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry is a writer and comedy nerd, currently living in Brooklyn by way of San Francisco.

When he's not writing or podcasting, he can be found drinking beer, rubbing pesto on whatever will allow it, or doing improv/sketch/standup.