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How to Avoid the Broke-Ass Look

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Just because you’re a broke-ass doesn’t mean everyone has to know.

~If you’re like me, you really do not see the necessity in purchasing socks and view it as a mere inconvenience as well as a waste of money, so you would rather just steal them from your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s sock drawer while he/she is not looking. There is no shame in doing so…But if you must walk around with socks that have holes at the bottom heels or near the toenails (for those with “jagger toes”), please do so when you are 100% positive that absolutely no one will discover your secret. This means do not wear them anywhere that might require you to take your shoes off such as a shoe store perhaps, or a doctor’s office, etc. Unless of course you do not mind looking a bit unpolished, and wear holy socks with pride, and so in that case I compliment your boldness.

~With holy socks comes holy panties. Ladies I am sure we all have owned one or two panties that were probably so sheer that they ripped in the wash or perhaps were just getting old and decided to rip along the way. Make those panties your “Wear Around the House” panties. Do not dare walk the streets with ripped undergarments. Well no one will see them, you say. But how can you be sure that while you are happily walking down your peaceful neighborhood on a sunny afternoon, humming to Neon Indian’s Polish Girl, that you will not be picked at random and suddenly become subject to a violent Bulldog attack and get bitten in your left butt cheek? Now you are passed out on the sidewalk so someone calls the cops. The ambulance shows up and they have to examine the wound. You must undress of course but you are too numb to move after being awakened and someone has to remove your undergarments for you. Now your secret is discovered and you are doomed. Uncanny scenario I am aware. But! Life is a series of strange and unfortunate events, folks. So just don’t do it, it’s for your own good. Oh, same goes for the fellows by the way.

~Everyone who is normal owns a raggedy tee shirt that probably has a few holes in them. But this does not mean that you should step out in it every chance you get. Wearing it to run a quick errand is not a crime, or maybe to throw out the garbage. If you’re stepping in your car real quick (if you’re lucky enough to have one) to go pick up your dinner from grandma’s house because unfortunately you only have access to a microwave in your hole-in-the-wall apartment, then that is surely okay also. Otherwise, wear it inside the house or use it as a cleaning rag. You don’t need to run around looking even less privileged than you actually are.

~Personal hygiene is always important, no matter your rank in society. It is proven that more people will show some respect, even if you are begging for money on the subway, if you at least look presentable and do not reek of rotten banana peels. Although not using soap and wearing deodorant is not always a pure indication that one is broke, it may be due to the fact that you ran out of both products or one of the two and did not see the point in spending your $15 bill on body products. That is perfectly understandable. I once went through a whole day in high school on a blazing spring day stinking up the hallway and I was so embarrassed that I kept my winter coat (please don’t ask why I even wore one that day) on for the entire day. My mother later that day made a trip to Walgreens a priority and forced me in the shower until I was no longer a hazard to the citizens of Long Island. Point here is, there are very affordable body products. Sometimes it is a task, but we have to wear them. Invest in some.

~It’s happened to the best of us. We let our dearest friends drag us out on a Friday night after hours of convincing them that you just really do not have the funds to blow on food and drinks right now. They don’t care to listen. It’s Friday night, c’mon! “Oh alright, I think I may have $30 bucks in my account or something.” Awesome, cannot wait for a super awesome night. It’s a fun and worry-free night until it’s time to pay the bill and “womp,” your credit card is declined. You try another card…declined. And another…and another. Okay please stop. No need to embarrass yourself even more. It’s pretty obvious it slipped your mind that you used that 30 bucks to pay your sister back for that gas money she spotted you for a few weeks ago. Just humble yourself, and ask your persistent friends if they can be generous this one little time and take you out of your misery. After all, it is their fault you are in this predicament to begin with. Next time, please make sure to double check you account before you agree to an embarrassing public outing with your not-so understanding friends.

~This is a similar scenario to the scenario above. If you travel by bus every now and then, or quite often, then you’ll surely understand or at least be familiar with this one. Ladies and gentlemen if you step foot on the bus and slide in your Metrocard, only to have the error or insufficient funds sound go off every time you re-try it, please do not continue trying again. Chances are after the first three times, it is clear that you do not have enough funds on the card or the card is just invalid. Accept that you may have to either get off the bus, dig for some change in your bag or pockets, beg for some change from the passengers on the bus, or ask humbly for the bus driver to sympathize and let you off the hook. The majority will but if you are unlucky and they’re having a bad day then like the saying goes, “You’re just shit outta luck.” So how about checking your Metrocard’s balance before you decide to stand in front of the bus for five minutes when you know you do not have the $2.50 on your card. It wastes everyone else’s time! So stay home until you acquire some change in your pocket or just…don’t go out!

~This goes hand-in-hand with personal hygiene. As a fellow broke-ass, I own up to the fact that I may repeat a sweater or two more than once a week, or re-wear my clothes until I feel it highly necessary to spend $40 at the laundromat. It’s really a highly and annoyingly inconvenient expense. If I could avoid doing laundry altogether or just return to a college campus for a year just to be given free laundry services, I’d be the first in line. But unfortunately, life is not on my side and apparently not a fan of other human beings either. This however does not mean walking around with dirty clothes producing odor around others, fair or excusable. If you are holding off and refuse to do laundry until your very last undergarment, then at least spray some Febreze on the material, or shower, or perhaps just…do laundry finally? You really shouldn’t wait until it gets that detrimental.

I’m missing some things, I can feel it in my bones. But those situations listed above have been raging in my head for quite some time now. Overall, it’s perfectly okay and socially acceptable to be a broke-ass. Just present yourself in a normal manner and well, don’t smell. Also I am aware that some folks, namely modern day hipsters feel that it is altogether “cool” and artistic to look broke, even they are rolling in hundred dollar bills. Yeah, if you’re in college or in your early 20s living with mom and dad and working a part-time job at Free People. Otherwise please refrain from walking around with “the broke-ass look.”

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Joanne Rae - Coinless Wanderer

Joanne Rae - Coinless Wanderer

She loves: Ginger Ale, Blue Moon, pita chips w/ yogurt, pecan pie, Pralines N' Cream ice cream, Rum Raisin ice cream, salted cashews, PB&J sandwiches, avocados, garlic, and tuna.
She loves: Scary movies, really really funny movies, House & Trance music, Meryl Streep, Ben Stiller, sunny days, 85 degree weather, redheads, Netflix, steamy showers, foreign countries, and cute tiny doggies.

She hates: Onions, asparagus, cucumbers, seltzer water, licorice, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip anything, chocolate ice cream, and walnuts.
She hates: Insects, rain, Kerry Washington, Hummers, talking on the phone for hours, Long Island, buses, winter, waking up early, cats, when babies screech really loudly, when people talk really loudly, and puke.

Et Voila lala...