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Full Disclosure: If You Don’t Buy Me a Drink, I Won’t Date You

Updated: Dec 18, 2017 23:34
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If I hear a woman talk about chivalry being dead one more time, I’m going to take her to dinner and not pay for it. Then I’m going to make a pee-puddle and put her cardigan over it so I don’t get my heels wet.

OKCupid has provided me with countlessly entertaining date stories. Some even involve me getting punched in the face. But one thing has nearly been the sole determinant of whether or not there’s any long-term prospects with a girl: whether or not she offers to pay for any part of the evening.

According to statistics I dislodged from my ass, 50% of the dates I’ve been on have been with women who’ve paid absolutely nothing throughout the entire date. Roughly another 25% have paid for some portion of the evening – I’ll get the dinner, they get dessert. 24% (again, real numbers) have offered to pay half, and a whopping only one time ever has a girl paid more than her portion of the evening. Here’s what’s most shocking to me: 1/2 of those women who’ve paid nothing (BEE BOP BOOP MATH) or 25% never even say thank you.

There was a time in my life (that time is called being a student at Berkeley) when it was expected that both the man and the woman would pay half. Now to be fair, when you’re in Berkeley gender stops existing so maybe it was the result of practicality. But what I do know is that it was incredibly easy. There were no concerns about how expensive the restaurant was going to be, you just split the entree and then enjoyed as many free bread sticks as you wanted.

Dating is tough, I get it. Women are inundated with all sorts of sordid messages vying for their affections on OKC or men in bars who they’d prefer not to talk to offering to roofie their drinks. But a system has evolved (and I realize there’s plenty of evolutionary and historical precedent for this) wherein sex has basically become commodity for females, bartered against the material possessions of men. And as a poor guy, it makes me cranky.

“Ladies in Free + complimentary glass of champagne!” nights are the f*cking worst, and it really highlights the economy of sexual trade. The idea isn’t complex: if an establishment creates fewer barriers to entry for women (insert insert joke here) and gets them a little drunk, that means there’ll be a higher probability of sexual encounters for men, who in turn are willing to spend the money to get sex. If you don’t believe any of this, please see Las Vegas trust me.

When women set an expectation that they are to be taken care of financially, it leverages the ability of any man capable of doing such to lack other character attributes. Effectively it’s like buying an asshole pass (just tag to board), which I’ve seen many times. Of course no man should be an asshole to any woman, just as no woman should be an asshole to any man. But expecting that someone’s going to pay your way is kind of an asshole-ish move.

There’re a lot of Broke-Asses and Rich Dicks here in SF. Prior to my OKC dates I’m never really sure which one I’m going to get, but the fact that she was running late from her asshole bleaching appointment should’ve been some clue. I bought the first round of drinks (after all, I asked her out, and having a woman make the first move is a whole other article), and we sat down. As we talked, it was revealed that she came from a rather wealthy family, and that I was on food stamps. That’s not the easiest thing to admit to a woman on a first date, but Full Disclosure, blah blah fart. So I was a little taken aback when the next three rounds she allowed me to order. I did the coy “How are you feeling?” and “Do you want another one”, trying to assess at what point she was going to take out her purse and at least offer to pay, but that moment never came. LISTEN, SON, IMMA HAVE TO PEANUT BUTTER AND KRAFT SINGLES SANDWICHES ALL WEEK CAUSE THIS DATE IS MAKIN THE JELLY TOO EXPENSIVE, OKAY?

Again, I asked how she was feeling about the night. At the very least I might get laid. She said she wanted to continue on to a different bar. A-ha! Finally, it’s her turn. But no. She allowed me to buy two more rounds of drinks. I started buying her drinks out of spite. Surely she wouldn’t let this continue. But she did for one more round at which point I told her it was late, and I had to leave. If I missed my MUNI line I’d have to take a cab, and that was no longer an option. I left that bar alone, but I’m sure her asshole looked great.

Some women say “I just like to be wooed”. Oh yeah? Well who the f*ck doesn’t? I just like to have all my drinks paid for, too. I also like gravy waterfalls and blowjob machines, but my food stamps don’t cover the latter. When the precedent is set that I’m going to be paying for everything, what’s to make me think that’s ever going to change? Start the date off right, and bring some equality to the table.

Of course the argument could be made that rather than women buying their own drinks (and f*cking who they want to instead of having a dowry for their pussy), that men should take the first step and ensure that women are being paid equally in the workplace. I mean, sure.

Start with coffee/drinks
I learned early on to never approach a first date with dinner. It was a $134 lesson, and that didn’t even include the Plan B. A dinner isn’t only a huge monetary commitment, it’s a time commitment. Start with coffee or a drink. It lets you set parameters depending on how the date’s going – and I suggest you let the person know this is the reason for it. “Why don’t we start with a drink and depending how it goes, take it from there?” is so much more attractive than “Sure, let’s do a drink, but I might have a thing with people at this time so I might have to go at any minute.”

Drink ordering
If you’re attracted to your date, let whoever initiated the date order the first round. You can always respond with “I’ll get the next one.” Not only is this a perfectly polite 50/50, but it’s letting them know you’re in it for at least another drink. And you can trade off with that line back and forth all night. It’s a great and sly way to extend a date.

If you’re not attracted to them, offer to pay for your own drink. If there’s any resistance, just say politely “I insist”, and you can end it after that first round. If you’re the initiator of the date and they don’t offer to pay, you’re probably just going to have to suck it up for at least a round until you can end the date.

FREE Porn Pick of the Week (NSFW): Fucked Hard at the Prom (I honestly haven’t looked at this. It’s been a busy week. But it had the word “prom” in it, and since I never went to mine, I can only assume this is what I missed.)

Full Disclosure podcast Episode 35: Sexologist Charlie Glickman, plus LIVE prostate exam
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Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry is a writer and comedy nerd, currently living in Brooklyn by way of San Francisco.

When he's not writing or podcasting, he can be found drinking beer, rubbing pesto on whatever will allow it, or doing improv/sketch/standup.


  1. Sean
    April 5, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    This is why I don’t date in San Francisco!!

  2. July 31, 2013 at 10:54 am

    […] And never make it about buying them a drink. […]

  3. […] BARRY – CASHLESS COMEDIAN 2 0 131 […]