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I Sold My Soul and Moved from Portland to Los Angeles

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photo (26)

 This is what I look like when I’m moving. Or, drunk. Or both.

I haven’t written anything in a while because I have been moving. And maybe drunk? Perhaps a giggly combination of the two. But I’ve been happy, too, which always makes spilling my guts onto the internet a bit harder, because who cares about happy shit? Right? Anyway, since I’ve been providing masturbatory material to Portlandia fans for the past year about how much I love my fucking city, and then I moved suddenly from aforementioned beloved city, I thought it might be a good idea to explain my actions. So here is why I moved from Portland (cue the sounds of birds chirping, fresh air, babies in strollers and affordable living) to Los Angeles (cue the sounds of traffic and Lindsay Lohan overdosing. Again.).

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 Also, this van lives in LA. That is enough reason for me.

First off, jobs. Jobs jobs jobs. This is the number one citation amongst those who are all, “I WOULD move to Portland, but…jobs!” and let me tell you that they are right. Portland’s job market is actually ok for those creative, palette-savvy dudes and babes who want to craft a career surrounding booze (YEAH!) or food (TOTALLY!) but otherwise it’s really tough. You need like seventeen Etsy shops just to make your $200/month rent. That is annoying, because we allllllllll know about emails and how annoying they are and how we are all getting all of them from everyone all of the time.

There’s rarely work for people like me. Who…well…I’m not sure exactly what it is that I do but I post on Facebook a lot. And I work for a lovely company (don’t fire me!) that pays me to do so, on the behalf of others. And they were willing to transfer me to an office with a larger client pool, so that I could learn and experience new accounts. And shit. Which rules.

Second off, boys. Yeah dating in Portland SUCKS. And you don’t know, and you WON’T know, until you are a single girl there. It’s horrible. And everyone that I may have turned into a potential relationship-ish thing turned into being my awesome and amazing friend. Which ruled, because friends rule. I don’t know, and I don’t want to get all Disney Princess on you or whatever, but I really dig the idea of love and falling in love. And I think I am, and that person lives in Los Angeles.

Ok this is as sentimental as I will get. In fact, here is some Satanic stuff to even it out.


 Picture taken from some site named from an article titled “Bush Satanic Rituals and Human Sacrifices.” Cool, huh?

So those were the only two reasons. They’re just really, really big reasons for me. Otherwise, I would stay in Portland forever. It’s an adorable, vegan strip club-having, food cart raging, booze slamming city that will always hold a huge, wet, sloppy, emotional place in my heart.

Any questions? PS did you just get a manicure? Nails are looking fierce. Also, did you borrow my black shoes? It’s cool, if you did, just bring em back sometime.

Love and kittens,


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Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.


  1. las gatas
    April 12, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Plea: Bring more PDX->Los Angeles.

  2. Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado
    April 12, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    hahaha I will try. I am still very much a Portland girl, at this point.

  3. April 12, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    what does it sound like when lindsay lohan overdoses (again)?


  4. April 12, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    When u go in2 stores in LA do the bitchy rich women refuse 2 serve u and say “honey u cant afford it” bcuz u enjoy satan?

  5. TinyTim
    April 14, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Wait–you’re really Parker Posey and you’re really going to LA because you’ve finally sold out to the big studios that are returning to the “studio system” and they’ve offered you a big contract for life.

  6. Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado
    April 15, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    @Jason, yes. @TinyTim – yes, that also.

  7. frakie
    May 2, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    I was in Portland for a the weekend, around December of last year. It seems like all people do for fun out there is drink coffee or get drunk. It rained like hell and I belive I was the only Latino around Portland… I was raised in Los Angeles, and surf Malibu Beach sometimes. I love Los Angeles and we are always happy to see portlanders here.

  8. Bobby Kebic
    May 5, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Any normal and a beautiful girl is welcome to L.A. as all the good ones have left long time ego (or hang out Malibu and Beverly Hills, looking for a rich husband).
    Other than that – good luck (you’ll need it)!!!!!!!