AdviceChoose Your CityColumnsNew YorkSan FranciscoSex and DatingSlider

Full Disclosure: Your Period’s Not That Gross

broke-ass stuart eric barry tampax tampons lasagna periodWe all know that anything that comes out of a woman (other than relentless orgasms) is completely unnatural and disgusting. If that wasn’t the case, then jokes about it would seem hackneyed and unoriginal. But women must really like bleeding out their vag, otherwise why would they spend 11.4% of their lives doing it. Come on ladies, knock it off already!

I really don’t understand the culture of shame surrounding menstruation, particularly when it comes to having sex with a woman on her period. What is it that makes shitty rappers wake up in the morning screaming “these periods aren’t going to rap about themselves!“?

I understand that periods are “dirty” in the sense that blood stains clothes (maybe O.J. was just on his period when he was murdering Nicole). I understand that anytime you see blood, there’s a visceral reaction of “oh fuck someone is injured!”. But we’re smart, evolved people. We know that having sex on your period is no more dangerous than sex off it. And sometimes it can have benefits beyond non-menstruation sex. For instance, every time I’ve fucked a chick on her period, she’s been hella moist, dawg.

The first time I had sex with a woman on her period happened to be the first time I did a lot of things with a woman, including anal, titty-fucking, and other things that would just be gratuitous to post about, which you know, totally isn’t my style. I shit you not, I was left a thank you note the next morning that told me to friend her on Facebook, and when I did, it said the Bible was her favorite book, which is one helluva way to come to Jesus.

I also went down on her that night. I try not to watch sports because they remind me that I’m a pussy, but I’ve always had a special place in my heart for the Red Wings. BUT BRO THERE IS SO MUCH BLOOD AND IT’S GOING TO GET ALL IN YOUR MOUTH AND OH MY GOD YOU’RE GONNA GET AIDS. If you’re getting blood in your mouth from going down on a chick, bro, you’re probably not concentrating your efforts in the right places.

And back to that 11.4% number. If you don’t want to have sex with a chick when she’s on her period, you have to realize that you’re saying 11.4% of the time you don’t want to have sex with a chick. What the fuck, man. Throw down something dark under her and problem’s solved. And just so things don’t get too heavy (meh), when you’re done sing a nice song as she’s walking to the bathroom in her towel diaper.

Honest question for the female readers: does your period smell? I’ve never been with a woman who’s been on her period and had there be any odor, which confuses me every time a “freshness” or “odor” commercial comes on:

*Please dear baby Jesus, make the internet work when I google Courtney Cox Tampax Commercial*

And how many things OTHER than vagina is your vagina supposed to smell like? I don’t want your vagina to smell like the beach. The beach is sandy as fuck. And has things like this. You should make tampons that smell like things I actually like, like lasagna (note to self: trademark On the Ragu).

By the way, supposedly there’s all sorts of bleached chemical bad shit in tampons, which are also expensive as fuck. If you’re not aware, there are alternatives, whose biggest hurdle is overcoming the stigmatization of menstruation. Who left their period blood in the sink again!??

Anyway. Dudes: don’t be dicks. Ladies: relax, and don’t feel bad/gross on behalf of the dudes. Or just become a lesbian.

Uterine lining, shed on!
—-
FREE Porn Pick of the Week (NSFW): Faye Regan and Alpha Beta Fukka

Full Disclosure podcast Episode 41: Viagra Challenge & The World’s Biggest Penis (this is a fun one, guys)
For more Full Disclosure updates be sure to like us on Facebook and follow me on Twitter

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

BA of the Week: Writer Joanne Rae

Next post

FREE Bay to Breakers Book Giveaway


Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry is a writer and comedy nerd, currently living in Brooklyn by way of San Francisco.

When he's not writing or podcasting, he can be found drinking beer, rubbing pesto on whatever will allow it, or doing improv/sketch/standup.