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The Amazing and Ridiculous Things Drunk People Forget in Bars

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man-who-lost-leg-sues-bar

Where on earth did he leave it?

I bartend a few nights a week. It’s what I do to pay the bills since being a writer is obviously not where the money is at. The other day I found a hoodie that someone had left at the Golden Gate Tap Room, one of the bars I work at (the other is Monarch when I do my 90s jams and coloring book happy hour called Color Me Badd).

Anyway, it got me thinking about all the weird stuff that bar workers must find each night when the lights turn on and the drunks go home.  So I put the word out via Facebook and twitter and asked people what the craziest stuff they found was. The answers were pretty amazing. Below are the best. Feel free to leave your stories in the comments:

Devon: I found a jacket that had illegal drugs of some sort and a plan b pill.

plan-b-pill

At least they were using forethought since they weren’t using protection

Andrea: Cane/crutches. I guess alcohol heals all.

Brandon: One guy left his father in law at a bar I was working at. Guy was like 85 years old and didn’t have a cell phone. Son in law didn’t figure it out for 3 hours.

Monikka: Once we found a full bottle of Campral (anti-alcoholism medication). Another time we found the sole of a shoe (and someone actually called, asking for their sole [soul] back). We’ve found a dildo, whips… Just a few off the top of my head.

dildo

Captain Kirk would never leave his dildo behind in a bar

Caitlin: A Russian hooker left behind her prosthetic leg. No joke. I’ve also had dentures, a micro-cassette recorder with some guys daily “journal”/notes to himself (not sure if his name was Herb, or the recorder’s; “must buy cat food; it’s on sale AND tasty”), a variety of clothing, including one apparatus that we determined could only be a “mirdle”, and a partially completed application for the Tinker’s Dam.

Prosthetic Leg

No seriously, how do you forget your LEG in a bar? Like how do you walk out of there?

Miki: PANTS.

Allison: Just last night, some guy left his paycheck at the bar … Still hasn’t returned for it and I’ve tried reaching out to him (unsuccessfully). Who doesn’t want to retrieve their paycheck?

Lynn: Baby carriage. Whip. Bunny mask. Lots of bad notebooks of lyrics. An accordion (which I tried to return unsuccessfully and am now forced to play myself). Merkin. Front teeth (false). A library cart.

how-to-make-your-own-merkin

I didn’t even know merkins still existed. You learn something everyday!

Nicole: Some girl shit her pants after drinking a bunch of coors light. She tried to stuff her shitty jeans in the sanitary bin in the wall next to the toilet paper dispenser. She was kind of successful…kind of.  She also turned her longer shirt into a dress and proceeded to drop down and get her commando eagle on. If I shat my pants, I would go straight home. She did not.

Stephanie: A huge package that sat in the lost and found forever. We finally opened it and it was a GIANT bong.

giant-bong

Well fucking done kid. Seriously, 17 year old me would’ve considered you a hero.

Jacinto: While opening the bar at Tempest….. I saw smoke coming from the side door, I walked outside to find a pair of shitty pants lit on fire….. “Buenos Dias”

Sasha: Half-inch thick rubber ring – to increase erection (that’s what it said on the package) in a paper bag. This shame went right to the garbage. Although… I was a little confused.. the diameter of the ring was extremely small.

Gabriel: Some kid left a back pack at the bar my girl works. When they opened it up it had an ounce of weed an a pistol inside. The kid came back for it. I’m sure he was high on his own supply to have left that at a bar.

weed-and-pistol

Guns make shitty bongs

Erika: Fireworks. Best come up ever (for me).

Matt: A phone with pictures of her (phone owner) having sex.

Sonny: I left my kid’s pajamas at the Uptown last night.

photos from 360oandp.com,  The Guardian, Screened.com, Erica Tanith Photography, jahnews.nl, Norwalk Reflector,

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".

1 Comment

  1. August 27, 2014 at 1:54 am

    I usually just leave my dignity behind at bars.