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It’s Hot Outside! Here are a Few Suggestions Before Getting Naked at Baker Beach!

Updated: Apr 29, 2016 10:06
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baker 3Baker Beach, San Francisco CA

Now that spring is here and presumably more warm weather, you may find yourself going to Baker Beach in the Presidio. You’ve got your beach towel, your jam box, your cooler full of tasty beverages…but it just doesn’t feel like enough. You want to feel unbridled, you want to feel the ocean breeze…everywhere. Well then, get naked like many other delightful SF freaks. Here are some guidelines you should follow in order to keep the rest of the beach from avoiding you.

1. Head North

If you wish to disrobe at Baker Beach, turn right and head north toward the bridge, this will take you to the decidedly more naked end of the beach.  That means if you would like to see far fewer penises and vaginas, head south. If after heading south you are still seeing breasts, well hey, at least you tried, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube I always say, and that leads us to rule #2.

2. Don’t Bring Your Impressionable Pre-teen

…or you’ll have plenty of time to relax at the beach whilst they are in therapy twice a week until they are 18


  3. Ball Sports Around Food

If you are a 50 year-old naked man, wearing nothing but a baseball glove and Oakley sunglasses from the 1990’s, you are not allowed to have a game of catch in front of my picnic area. I get it, you’re ready to mingle, you brought two baseball gloves to the beach, and now a darling little old man wants to throw the ball around with you. TOO BAD! You can’t do that 10 feet in front of people who are eating, take it down the beach fellas


4. Irish People Must Wear Sunblock

If you are normally translucent or have a relative who’s surname starts with a Mc or an O’, you must apply SPF 30 or higher, ESPECIALLY to parts where the sun don’t usually shine.


5. All Boobies are OK

There is no discriminating against age or body type, sorry haters, there’s no bouncer regulating a public beach, so be open minded, and ready for all shapes and sizes.


6. You Are Not Sharon Stone

This is not Basic Instinct.  The less angles you offer onlookers, the better. ryan-lochte-speedo-shirtless-spread-legs-bulge-images1

7. You are not Janet Stone

That means refrain from doing Yoga while naked.  We are happy that you’ve learned the downward dog, show it to your instructor next time you’re wearing pants
naked yoga

8. No Shirt Cocking

Gentlemen, this should go without saying, but if you are going to go bottomless, you are not allowed to wear a shirt, it’s a form of false advertising attune to crimes against humanity.  NO SHIRT COCKING! no shirt cocking


9. No Sex On The Beach…During Daylight Hours
I know, I know, this is going to KILL your adventurous and disgusting love life.  No one cares, there’s no sex at the beach during daylight hours, there are some weird people here who brought their children, and therapy is expensive, so show some patience no sex


10. No Butts On My Towel “Hey! Haven’t seen you in a while! Wow, I had no idea you were a nudist! That’s awesome!…You can’t sit on my towel.”  I’m sorry, I always assumed you were a very clean person, and still do, but you can’t sit on my towel. byobThis report is based on many years of diligent reporting and fact finding, painstakingly collected at a reasonable distance by non-naked people so that patrons both naked and clothed may continue to enjoy one of our best beaches together, in peace and harmony.  *Special thanks to Bobby Speicher for sharing his experiences as a nudist in San Francisco for the purpose of this article.


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  1. ambre iris
    May 13, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    bahahahahahahah!!!!!!!! YES!!!

  2. Gregg Marks
    May 14, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    funny list but what’s up with #2? The reason nudity is such a taboo issue in this country is because parents don’t introduce it to them early enough in a normal social setting! I say nudity should not be off limits to anyone, unless you want them to be in therapy as an adult twice a week.

  3. Alex
    May 14, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    It’s called “porky pigging” silly. (Porky Pig never wore pants)