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Why You Should Fuck a Writer

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Art by Jon Stich (@jonstich

 

Why You Should Fuck a Writer

or The Pleasures and Perils of Loving a Creative Person

Fuck a writer because he can make you hard or wet just by typing. Kiss him because he can turn a one night stand into a life defining poem. A weekend fling into a highly praised novella. A short love affair into a best selling book. Grab his hips so he can turn that rainy night in a Dublin hostel into three stanzas that speak to the heart of lust and loneliness everywhere. He will use literature to undress you. He will use his words to turn you on. He will quote someone else’s work, at just the right moment, to get you into bed. You won’t realize he accidently misquoted it until you go home and Google the piece just because you need to feel those words one more time.

Have sex with a writer because she chooses art over money, even if she’s always complaining about being broke. Unclasp her bra because she’s 31 and still living with three roommates, squeaking by on rent, sliding by on bills, bartending a few nights, working in a bookstore, doing odd jobs, hustling; all because she’s convinced that she will create something masterful that may one day make all of this worth it. Pull off her jeans because you admire the sacrifices she makes to do what she loves, knowing you could never do the same. Fuck a writer because she shivers and starves for her chance to carve her name on the world. Why-you-should-Fuck-a-writer-female

Sleep with a writer because he’ll begin a beautiful poem about the bottoms of your feet, black from wearing flip-flops on Brooklyn’s streets, and the way they contrast against your light blue sheets. And know that he’ll never finish the poem, but sit up late at night, five years later at a desk in San Francisco, drinking shitty red wine, lamenting not just the loss of your love, but the fact that the poem was never finished. He’ll think that maybe if he had finished the poem you’d still be in love with each other. And then he’ll think that he’s just reading too deeply into it. Unbutton his shirt because he’ll give you copies of the books he writes, and inscribe them with cute, heartfelt love notes. Those same notes will make him weep while he separates his library from yours, after the breaking up, during the moving out. He’ll take all his books with him, giving you more room for the new furniture he always said the two of you couldn’t afford.

Lay with a writer because she’ll build you up in her mind to be way more than you ever could be in real life. Climb on top of her because she’ll tell you elaborate things you both know aren’t true, but wish were. Fuck her not for who she is, but who she believes herself to be, and because you almost believe it too. Do it for her brain or because she’s read more books than you or because at her core, she’s a romantic, even when she’s jaded, heartbroken, and full of self doubt. Slip off her underwear because she’s mastered the art of grand gestures. Can get away with earnestly sending you 16th century love poetry. Can quote Pablo Neruda, hum Leonard Cohen, memorize Rumi, cry Sylvia Plath and use ee cummings to make you think about cumming. Fuck a writer because word play is one of the sexiest kinds of foreplay.

Make love to a writer because he needs muses even though he hates that word. Leave bite marks on him because he can compose you something so exquisite, you’ll show your grandchildren. Do it because he trades in metaphors and similes and crafts sentences that make you pause, pull the book to your chest, and sigh. He spends his life trying to distill heartbreak and love into something tangible. Fuck a writer because this piece could so easily be turned into a Twitter account, or a Tumbler, or a Facebook page, but is so much more powerful as a single, solitary piece. why-you-should-fuck-a-writer-male

Screw a writer because she’s crazy. Do it because you’re crazy too. Pull her hair because she can make moody and forlorn seem sexy…for a little while. Do it because she’s intolerable when she has writer’s block, and she’s intolerable when she’s in the groove and doesn’t wanna be touched or talked to. Because she’ll sit in a room, working for eight hours sometimes only to produce eight lines. Because she’ll sit in a room, for eight hours and produce 18 pages. Fuck a writer because she’ll sit in a room for eight hours and produce nothing at all.

Bang, bang, bang a writer because he’ll send you electronic love letters from across the world, writing you daily with words that burst with the feelings he wasn’t able to say in person. He’ll wake up each morning with a flutter in his stomach, excited to see what bits of tenderness are sprinkled within your emails detailing all the little pieces of life he’s missing by not being home. Curl up next to him because he’ll understand the meaning of lovesickness and will pine for you and use what little money he has to help you buy a ticket to meet him. You will believe in him and move across the country with him and sacrifice so much for him, ultimately knowing he will never fully appreciate any of it. Because he always puts his work first. Fuck a writer because you will love him so much more intensely than anyone who’s come before, even though he will probably fuck it up.

Don’t fuck a stockbroker. Don’t fuck a real estate developer. Don’t fuck a politician. Don’t fuck someone in finance. Don’t fuck people who’ve never created something lovely simply for the sake of creating it. Fuck a writer because you’ll probably marry someone more consistent, someone who makes a salary, someone who says stupid shit like “weekend warrior” and “work hard, play hard.” Those people are assholes.

But more than anything, fuck a writer because I really need to get laid.

Special thanks to Jennifer Maerz and Anise Gross for helping me edit this piece.


If you like this piece please grab copy of my zine Love Notes and Other Disasters. It has this and lots more of my best work. 

Love Notes and Other Disasters

 

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".

73 Comments

  1. Cindy Bernhard
    June 11, 2014 at 12:15 am

    This is so fantastic. Really. Fantastic.

  2. Cindy Bernhard
    June 11, 2014 at 12:16 am

    Why has no one else commented on how fantastic this is!?

  3. Christine
    June 11, 2014 at 5:02 am

    I think I fell in love.

  4. ER Pierce
    June 11, 2014 at 6:24 am

    This is epic. Love!

  5. Aneta Cruz
    June 11, 2014 at 6:25 am

    I’m a writer and I say all of the above is TRUE. This turned me on.

  6. Samuel Blondahl
    June 11, 2014 at 8:05 am

    And be sure to give us a review on Goodreads afterwards.

  7. […] Broke Ass Stuart published a blog post called “Why You Should Fuck a Writer: Or, The Pleasures and Perils of Loving a Creative Person.” At the end of the post (spoiler alert!) the author emphasizes that the most important reason to […]

  8. Sohaib Alvi
    June 11, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Fucking good and so fucking true from toe thrpugh to the vagima and up to the head. But the turn off for all writers like me is, nobody gives a fuck.

  9. Amanda Mae Owen-Walkup
    June 11, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    This is amazing. Love it!

    • June 11, 2014 at 1:43 pm

      Awesome! thanks! Please hare with your friends. Where did you come across it?

  10. June 11, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    If you were on stage I’d throw my panties.

  11. RoByn Thompson
    June 11, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    I spent a couple of years trying to fuck my favorite writer for many of the reason you named. He bit my neck at a science fiction convention. That was as close as I got.
    I married an artist and that’s a damn fine thing but you always get wistful over what might have been.

  12. BeSeven
    June 11, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Brilliant, hysterical, and while I can’t vouch for the last sentence, true.

  13. Tiffany Buczek
    June 11, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Goddamn, you nailed the female writer! That is me. Sadly, I’ve never fucked a male writer. I’m rarely attracted to people as batshit crazy as I am. It’s too scary. I may change my mind, however…Bravo

    • June 12, 2014 at 10:17 am

      There’s a first time for everything 🙂

  14. mandyland
    June 11, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    Brilliantly spot on. Well done. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to take a nice, cold shower.

  15. El Em Bones
    June 11, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    Lovely! I’m ready to drop drawer and I’m a gay lady! So very accurate and beautiful, thank you!

    • June 12, 2014 at 10:15 am

      Well, that’s incredibly flattering 🙂

  16. Ethan Kincaid
    June 12, 2014 at 5:08 am

    Or you could marry a writer and have a pet that you give food and it spits out poetry.

  17. June 12, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Fucking brilliant!!

  18. Taksh
    June 12, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Well, reading THIS makes me want to Fuck you .

    This was astoundingly interesting, spot on, and extremely sexy !

    p.s : I’m a writer too 😉

    • June 12, 2014 at 10:18 am

      Well thank you! 🙂

    • Patrick Connors
      June 15, 2014 at 11:59 am

      Please write about it after you fuck each other. This essay is total foreplay.

      • Taksh
        June 19, 2014 at 3:14 am

        Oh how wonderful that’d be Patrick ! If ONLY it were doable 😀

  19. richard pierce
    June 12, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Great post. I’m a writer and married to an artist. Roller-coaster doesn’t even describe it. R

  20. Stella Harris
    June 12, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Love the article! Who did the artwork?

    • June 12, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      Jon Stich did. You can find him linked just under the top image

  21. Tigressa
    June 12, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    I honestly think this might be the best piece of writing I’ve read this year. OMFG

  22. anon
    June 13, 2014 at 1:32 am

    haha! now my boyfriend is trying to convince me he’s a writer 😛

  23. auroradawn
    June 13, 2014 at 4:19 am

    I’m marrying my writer lover!

  24. Seaoharewhy
    June 13, 2014 at 9:50 am

    this was great, although I liked it better the first time I heard it when Bill Hicks said it in the 90’s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt4gDKH7JLU

  25. Marguerite Reed
    June 16, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    What happens when two writers fuck each other?

  26. WrennS
    June 17, 2014 at 8:04 am

    Given that I’m marrying one ( that I was introduced to by mutual friends at a scifi convention) , all I can say is…

    No Comment.

  27. HaHaScribe
    October 15, 2014 at 12:14 am

    Hollywood would agree with this sentiment.

  28. Lindylula
    November 9, 2014 at 8:10 am

    I still carry around a tattered copy of a poem someone wrote about me. I think about this piece and it makes me wonder at the woman and the nostalgia that must have gripped you when you wrote it. I get that way too.

  29. […] collection of some of my more well known pieces (like “Living in SF Means” and “Why You Should Fuck a Writer“) and some brand new stuff that’s never been released before. Plus, it has art from […]

  30. November 21, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Fuck this writer because it’s rainy on a day ending with “y.”

  31. dnk
    November 27, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    It reads like poetry and has a very good flow, especially towards the end. And I’ve always wanted my boyfriends to be more writer-like, meaning that they would see little things, and big things, and poetry in not-poetic things. I guess I just wanted to date myself.

  32. Prateek
    January 7, 2015 at 12:33 am

    “he will use literature to undress you”
    you win the world with this.
    great post!

    • Ethan Davidson
      July 30, 2015 at 11:07 pm

      I once jotted down a poem that came to me about voodoo dolls. I left it on the table, and my then girl freind found and read it. She thought that the dolls in the poem were her. She thought I was insulting her, but was flattered that I thought about her enough to insult her. I didn’t break it to her that when I wrote it, I had not been thinking about her at all. I’m not stupid.

  33. Monkeys Uncle
    January 7, 2015 at 6:39 pm

    Damn… you get the 1st place prize!! Lol…

  34. Elaine Lee
    January 7, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    Worse than that, I’m a writer married to a musician. “Could you keep the noise down, please, I’m trying to work here!”

  35. Elaine Lee
    January 7, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    Nah… two writers is crazy! Writer and another kind of artist, maybe. You’ll be broke, but at least you won’t be competing.

    • Ethan Davidson
      July 30, 2015 at 11:03 pm

      Agreed. I dated a phtographer for a bit, that was cool, made for some good colaberation. But another writer, well, my parents did it, and it didn’t last long, and I’m the result.

  36. […] This post is written by Broke-Ass Stuart and can be found here. This piece originally appeared on BrokeAssStuart.com […]

  37. Charlotte E. Wilde
    January 14, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    I don’t usually like pieces like this but your snarky ending turns it around for me. Kind of like masturbating in the mirror, still isn’t all writing? I wrote a response to it here: https://charlotteewilde.wordpress.com/2015/01/15/fuck-a-writer-a-response/

  38. February 17, 2015 at 10:25 am

    And my vote is with you. What a post! *Salutes You*

  39. […] “Have sex with a writer because she chooses art over money, even if she’s always complaining about being broke. Unclasp her bra because she’s 31 and still living with three roommates, squeaking by on rent, sliding by on bills, bartending a few nights, working in a bookstore, doing odd jobs, hustling; all because she’s convinced that she will create something masterful that may one day make all of this worth it. Pull off her jeans because you admire the sacrifices she makes to do what she loves, knowing you could never do the same. Fuck a writer because she shivers and starves for her chance to carve her name on the world.” —broke-ass stuart […]

  40. […] post is an excerpt from a blog previously published on BrokeAssStuart.com. […]

  41. […] Why you should fuck a writer. […]

  42. May 31, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    Holy shit this is great. I’m a writer too! Should we bone?

  43. Ethan Davidson
    July 30, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    Oh, yes, as a writer from a family of writers I say “hell yea!”

  44. Roy Dias
    May 28, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    Since I’ve written 2 books and unfortunately both have been unsuccessful, am I still entitled to at least a hand job?

    • mbflowers73@gmail.com
      January 9, 2017 at 1:58 pm

      If your books is any good, you are. What are the names of these two flops? I want to read one. I’ll get back to you about the hand job.

    • mbflowers73@gmail.com
      January 9, 2017 at 2:18 pm

      If either book is any good, you are. What are the titles of your two flops? I want to read one. I’ll get back to you about that hand job.

      • Roy Dias
        January 10, 2017 at 8:18 am

        Hi! Wow I didn’t expect you to respond! Well…my two flops are Aspeans The Beginning and Aspeans The Invasion. Everyone says the story is very good, the writing though…yeah well I can relate. Especially my first book.
        Hope to hear from you soon 🙂

        Roy

  45. Mari
    June 14, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    I’m pretty sure on Bumble I swiped right on your ass Broke Ass. Alas a homegirl got no fucking play. All good…just pointing that out.

  46. erikdeckers
    June 17, 2016 at 9:10 am

    Holy shitballs, this is amazing!! Seriously, I’m reading this, studying it, and stealing the shit out of it. I love your use of metaphor and poetic language, and I’m going to do more of it. All. Because. Of this.

  47. July 2, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    […] Why You Should Fuck a Writer […]