Sex and Dating: What are Your Deal Killers?
We all have a list. A “Standards List” for people you date. The gauntlet of rules we hold against the person asking you for a first date. They won the “Sure…I’ll share a coffee/meal/blanket in the park with this person” prize. So what must they do now? What must happen in order to get the elusive “Second Date”?
More importantly what are your ‘Deal Killers”? Those things you see, hear, and experience that immediately turn you off to the person you’re on a date with. I don’t mean a third nipple, or they have a gnarly overbite, or they laugh like the hyenas in Lion King. Real Deal Killers.
My Standards, in my 20’s, were basic at first. Single, Tall, Hot, Smart, Employed, and Funny.
My Deal Killers list was pretty obvious, too. Has Kids, Morons, Jealous Types, and of course, Republicans.
As I began to go on first dates and I got older, the Deal Killer list got a bit longer and more specific. Now there’s also…
1) Keep the exes in the past! Hey, we all have exes. I even have one from Texas! Don’t recount the wounding of your heart, or stories of evilness and why she’s a crazy because she kept the cat. You’re trying to meet a new someone to love but you are obviously still occupied with the ex. Don’t bring that luggage on your trip. You’ve just over-packed.
2) Chew with your mouth closed! I do NOT want to see the masticated goo that used to be the Deviled Egg appetizer we just ordered. Didn’t your Mommy teach you table manners?! You’re probably a mouth breather too, aren’t you? Gross. Just thinking about it made me barf in my mouth a little.
3) Don’t be touchy feely. Well….this varies with how hot you are and how much I’ve had to drink. Breaking the Personal Bubble is fine on Muni or BART but don’t hug, grab or touch repeatedly if he/she pulls away the first time. DON’T HOLD MY HAND. I am not your prom date and we are not in high school. This is a first date, dude. Chill. I’ve known you for the whole of an hour. I’m having a hard time as it is remembering your name and not calling you by your OKC handle, MSSNHPSTR415.
4) Talking about the oodles of money you make. Oh, you’re one of the starting employees of Twacebootter? You AirBnb’d a house with ten bedrooms for Coachella and it was SWEET!!?! You don’t cab anymore…you only Uber. UGH, I get it. You have money. In SF. Made from a start-up that went public. You win in the game of Life, Dude Bro. Not all success is measured by your bank account. If this is the only marker of what you consider important in your life then you are obviously as deep as a puddle. No date Number Two.
5) You’re surprised I’m smart? I went to college (GO BEARS!) I’m educated, well read, listen to NPR, can follow your nerd tech lingo and I know at least 50% of the answers on Jeopardy on any given night! What is this narrow minded view of what people are supposed to be? Don’t stereotype me. Or yourself for that matter. The Bay Area is full of diversity…don’t put anyone you meet in a box. Nerds, Punks, Asian, White, Thug, Yuppie, Hipster and yes, even Marina peeps. Dig deeper folks.
6) Rude to waiters/bartenders: Just don’t. You’re not better then they are. Definitely don’t snap your fingers at them!! Jerk.
7) Don’t be late. I am always 15 min early to everything. You’re late for our 8pm date and you send a text at 8:15 saying sorry you’re late and it’ll be another 15 minutes? EPIC FAIL. I hate standing alone by the hostess podium repeating, “No, I don’t want to wait at the bar. Thank you.” I refuse to drinks two rounds alone before we even have our appetizers because I was 15 min early and you were 30 minutes late. A first date is not an occasion to pre-party.
These are pretty much my Deal Killers. We all have Deal Killers. They essentially giving a bit of insight into the person you’re on a date with and generally align with what you may consider important. You probably have some weird ones, too. I know I do!
8) Doesn’t like cheese. WHO DOESN’T LIKE CHEESE?!!? Before you ask…No, he was not lactose intolerant. He just didn’t like cheese?!?! WTF. Seriously. Blew my mind. All my men must love cheese. All. Of. Them.
9) Watches Pawn Stars or Finding Bigfoot. I truly hate 90% of reality tv shows. The people are just so dumb it’s maddening. I just can’t even when it comes to Pawn Stars. Also, there is no Bigfoot hiding in the mountains of Appalachia. Sorry folks, they aren’t amazing at hide and seek. They just don’t exist! These are also my dad’s favorite tv shows. So there’s some Freudian undertones for you.
10) Cowboys, Seahawks, Dodger or Laker fans. No explanation necessary.
What are YOUR Deal Killers? Leave them in the comments section below: