Entertaining for the Poor as F*ck: Romance on the Cheap
Ah, l’amour: the joy of two souls finding one another, holding hands, whispering sweet nothings, and sharing a Netflix account (that’s commitment, friends. That’s real life).
If you are not in love at the moment, that’s ok! Just go read something else because your loneliness is killing my vibe.
If you just met someone and you’re past casual hookup stage (ie: you have been introduced to friends with pride), congratulations! And also sorry: say goodbye to your bank account.
Love in the form of romantic gestures can be expensive; flowers, chocolates, candles, edible body oils..it adds up quick, and the truth is you’re on this site which means you’re not loaded.
The perks of finding your soulmate include splitting the cost of living and entertainment (I pay 0.70 cents to his dollar because that’s what this country thinks is fair), which also means not spending money on romance.
Well that’s a shitty-terrible-cardboard-cut-out way to live and I refuse to abide.
I’m pleased to announce another topic for EPK to tackle: romance on the cheap. Sure, being the penniless artist makes you a chick magnet, but every now and then you’re gonna have to woo.
This week I’m giving you some guidelines to create something fun for all parties that probably won’t get you arrested (I’m just now realizing you can say that about most things): a romantic (oooh) treasure hunt!
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box
#Sorrynotsorry, I may never stop doing that.
Step 1: Determine the goal of your hunt.
You have loads of options for where your hunt should lead:
-An outdoor picnic
-A night at the movies
-A bar in which you use pseudonyms and pretend to meet for the first time
Your imagination is the limit. Go nuts.
Step 2: Determine your love’s level of intelligence
I’m serious. If you overcomplicate the clues this whole plan is a wash.
Step 3: Select your clues
Clues can be anything: the dog, a houseplant, the homeless guy permanently stationed on your building’s stoop. However, make sure you choose clues that are easily accessible by your treasure hunter. Also, you can usually count on the homeless guy, but sometimes the best clues are ones that can’t be moved. There’s nothing worse than setting a treasure hunt clue on a library book only to have it checked out by someone other than your treasure hunter.
**Author’s note: I realize there are about a million things worse than this. War, for example.
Select as many clues as you can, knowing that the more you choose, the more work you are creating for yourself.
Step 4: Set up your clues
Put the first clue in a place that’s easy to find. That clue needs to lead to the second, the second must lead to the third, and I swear if I need to explain this any further you don’t deserve romance in your life so go away.
A few years ago I moved into a new apartment with a college friend. I needed the key to the new place but we weren’t going to be there at the same time, so he hid the key for me. He then sent me a slew of rhyming text message clues for me to figure out where the key was. This man is still one of my favorite people.
I’m not saying your clues have to rhyme, but I am implying that if they don’t you’re lazy and I hate you.
Get your Dr. Seuss on: hop, mop, lop, chop, sop, bop, top, cop, drop CMON people.
Write your clues (rhyming or otherwise) on sticky notes and put them in their appropriate places.
Step 5: Back up
Decide if your operation is so huge it requires a kill switch (a kill switch in this scenario being you in your car cruising around Oakland looking for your confused lover). If it does, set up a Plan B in case everything goes to shit.
Step 5: The waiting game
You can either wait for your hunter to find the first clue, or you can rig the operation to have them stumble upon it organically. Organic stumbling comes in handy for treasure like dinner reservations or concerts.
Step 6: Enjoy your treasure together
Split a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck at the park and fall asleep on a pile of newspapers, or literally anything else you two enjoy.