AdviceNew YorkSan FranciscoShopping, Style and BeautySlider

Sex & Dating: Amazing 21st Century Sex Toys

Updated: Jul 13, 2014 18:50
The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

While the internet is going crazy about some dude in Ohio who raised over forty thousands of dollars to make a bowl of potato salad, I found some other things on the inter webs that, I believe, really shouldn’t go unnoticed. Yes, I’m talking about some really interesting Sexy Time toys.


It’s supposed to go where???

History tell us that vibrators were invented when doctors tried to cure the “hysterics” of women through manual ‘pelvic massage.’ Shocker of all shockers…their hands got tired. Enter the Manipulator (pictured above), a steam powered vibrator invented in 1868 by a crazy smart doctor. Women everywhere were pleased! Then pleased, and then pleased again. I bet they faked having “hysterics” just to get treated.

The vibrator came and went a few times but finally came back for good in the Groovy 60’s. Obviously, there have been many, many sex toys created since then, for both women and men. They’re even making “smart” sex toys now. Technology has not only integrated itself into our work and daily lives, but has now come into our beds, couches, cars and hot tubs. I remember when I saw an OhmiBod in 2007. Why did they need to sync a vibrator to an iPod? I was not impressed by a vibrator that pulsed to the bass line of a song. Now they have a whole line of wireless musical vibrators!

While musical vibrators still seem odd to me, I can’t even begin to imagine the focus group discussions that companies conducted to justify the production and release of the following two sex toys.


Insert Tab A into Slot B

1) Launchpad – A Fleshlight attachment!!! For. Your. iPad. Steve Jobs is rolling in his grave. Snap on the attachment, insert the Fleshlight into the hole and off you go…er, get! This rigid plastic attachment is sold for a low, low price of $24.95! You’re on your own for the Fleshlight, though you can purchase it on the same site. The Classic Fleshlight is on sale for $48, down from $68! Fleshy, doughy, faux hoohah on discount! Interactive boning with an iPad. Skypeing with your girlfriend/boyfriend takes on a whole new experience. It shouldn’t be too hard to pretend the rest of their body is there. Or maybe you have a fantasy of porking a disembodied floating head?

Can you imagine? Well, yes. I’m sure you can. Interactive porn! Its like you’re actually there, poolside, with the girls of Just Old Enough Swedish Orgy! I don’t know how this is even comfortable for men. How do you manage to hold the iPad and thrust at the same time? How do you focus on the screen when it’s moving back and forth? It’s like those people who read magazines on the treadmill at the gym. How do they do it?!? I can’t focus on any words on a page while I’m running to absolutely nowhere, much less read an whole article.

Still don’t have a fleshlight? Buy one here!

Creepy oscillating tongue fan

Creepy oscillating tongue fan

2) Sqweel Go USB from LoveHoney. A ten-tounged toy with 6 speeds and reversible action! Made in the UK. An oral adventure in your hand. The Sqweel version 1.0 was reviewed on Gizmodo in 2009. The newest version is $64.53 ladies!

Careful you don’t confuse this gadget for a fan on a hot day and hold it up to your face to cool down. Ten tongues. Why 10? Why not 12? Each tongue is about an inch long…whose tongue is an inch long? Ever fantasize about getting oral from a Smurf? Then this is your sex toy! It also comes with a USB port! A travel Sqweel for your car! Commuting is way more exciting now!

This ferris wheel of labial fun looks like it has the ability to please. Tons of reviews say its great! Hey, sometimes your man can’t get it right. You get to the point where you start thinking that oral bliss is like finding a unicorn at the end of a rainbow. “Not there. Left. NO! Not your left. MY left!”

I don’t know. These are both too fancy for me. I prefer the real thing. I’m accepting applicants.

Also, here are some other great vibrator options!


Like this article? Make sure to sign up for the mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!

Previous post

Win Tix to an Unlimited Anchor, Magnolia + 21st Amendment Beer Tasting

Next post

Guerrilla Water Conservation Tips for Broke-Asses

Jay H - Bawdy Broadcaster

Jay H - Bawdy Broadcaster

Bay Area native. Oldest girl in a very large extended Mexican family. Studied Art History at UC Berkeley and of course I became a Nonprofit Marketing Consultant! Never married. No kids. Serial dater and and expert at the 'hang out' version of dating. Moved out of crazy expensive SF to Oakland and LOVING it! Loves sports. All of them. Except golf. Oh, and rhythmic gymnastics.