How to Walk of Shame like a Pro
There is nothing quite like a good Walk of Shame. Reliving the naughty accounts of the previous night in your mind while you walk out into the crisp morning air with a thin film of sex and booze on your skin.
A well executed Walk of Shame begins when you wake up. How did you exit the scene?
The Ninja Vanish – While the other person (or persons?? kinky!) sleeps you do a gentle slide out of the bed and move with stealth and speed out the door praying you didn’t leave anything essential behind. No pillow talk, no morning sex, no acknowledgment that it even happened. Was it all a dream?!?! Once outside you breathe a sigh of relief and do a quick Google Map check to see exactly where you are. How in the hell did I end up in Daly City?!?!?!
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The Good Morning, (insert name here!) – You remember his name because it’s the same as your ex boyfriend and this was kinda like sleeping with him again. You already exchanged numbers. He’s “Steve from Local Edition” and you’re “Blond with Hot Ass”. You gather your things and say good bye with a quick cheek peck. “Don’t get up, I can find my way out.” You say something like “Coffee soon?” because you totally believe you’re going to see each other again. Then you go stand outside while you wait for Uberx. Natasha will be arriving in 10min.
The Holy Shit! – You wake up with a start. Where am I?!?!?! Who is that?!?!? Oh crap. You both forget each other’s names and vaguely remember what bar you met at. You find your clothes in the kitchen and your shoes in the bathtub. You can’t find your boxers but who cares? Just leave them! The Pats are playing in an hour and Brady is on your Fantasy team.
Now you’re outside. Your hair is a shit show and your face is streaked with old makeup. Reach into your purse and take out the following. Ladies: Put these items in your purse forever and always!
- Hair tie/clips: In a quick second you can pull up your hair into a messy ponytail or clip back nasty bangs that don’t quite fall the same after a night of naked wrestling.
- Wet wipes: Amazing cloths that will clean up streaked eyeliner, wipe away the stink and scrub off that crust on your arm that could be anything… cough*MonicaLewinsky*cough.
- Makeup: Fix up your make up with the lipstick and compact you already always carry.
- Mints/Listerine Strips: Are you that girl who uses the dude’s toothbrush? I’m not. Ew. If the dude had mouthwash then you scored big but don’t rely on that! Also, they really help for last minute meeting with your boss when you have coffee breath.
- Thin Sweater: Like cheap Forever 21 thin. You can cover up any skanky top with it and its crams easily into a medium sized purse. Even if you have on a mini skirt you can still get away with hiding the Walk of Shame with a cardi. Unless you’re wearing Come F&#$ Me stiletto heels. There’s no hiding from anyone wearing those.
The key is really wearing an outfit that is cute at night and morning, but who really plans their Walk of Shame?
Day after Halloween has the best Walk of Shames! If Uber is going to do surge pricing on any day in SF it should be the morning after this year’s Halloween.
If you find yourself doing the Walk of Shame this Saturday, here are some special tips:
Walk of Shame – Halloween version.
- Leave early: Like 8am early! Doing a walk of shame at noon in full costume is the worst. All the people at Four Barrell and in the Tartine line will point and laugh at you. (Side note: Go to Four Barrel and Tartine for PRIME Halloween Walk of Shame watching!)
- Plan a route home: Do not go down Mission, Valencia, Divis, Haight, Market or any main road. Side streets in the early a.m. are key to limiting discovery from passersby.
- Tank top and shorts: Simple planning of a tank top and shorts underneath your costume will help you look semi-normal on Saturday morning. Just sling your Hazmat/ Ninja Turtle/ Frozen Elsa suit over your arm and catch the Muni home. This works especially for dudes because they rarely dress like skanky anything.
- Uber Immediately: If you’re wearing a slutty nurse, slutty cop, slutty snowman, slutty ebola patient there’s little to be done except to NOT to do the post-coital passout and call an Uber at 4am. Those costumes are not purse friendly so you probably had your keys and cards in your bra the whole night.
- “Borrow” his clothes: If your Game of Thrones Cersei or Kahleesi costume just won’t work in the a.m. Take a pair of his shorts and a tshirt for an non-obvious morning after Walk of Shame. Or a big button down and turn it into a dress!
The only real thing to do though is just own it! Walk down the street in your Halloween costume and strut your stuff without a care in the world.
Hell…you just got laid! There’s no shame in that! You work that sidewalk!
Images courtesy of cosmo, pinterest, instagram