AdviceBoozeNew YorkSan FranciscoSex and DatingSlider

Where to Hook up at Your Office Holiday Party

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

It’s here! The company holiday party! When booze and indiscretions live together with your travel mug and ergonomic mouse.

Any excuse to touch each other!

Any excuse to touch each other!

You’ve eaten tons of appetizers, drank mediocre wine and flirted with all your single co-workers. You eyed that cute nerd front end developer who always comes into work at 10:26am. The new girl is cute and no one knows if she’s a crazy B yet so why not find out? Then there’s the company he-whore who has been running down HR’s list of sexual harassment no-no’s and trying do them all before the end of Q1.

Who do you want to bone? Once you’ve built up enough drunken sexual tension with a co-worker at the party, you slip away to get some Sexytime action. What are your options in your workplace?

1) Office – the obvious answer is a closed office. Though most places have open layouts these days so finding an room with a closed door is a bit difficult. The key is to identify the most boring person’s office. Slip away separately and “meet” in Janice’s office! She never stays late anyway because she lives in Vallejo and has to feed her 6 cats.

2) Stairwell – Everybody is lazy, so one ever takes the stairs! Get your fondling action going slammed against the wall in an empty stairwell. Use the rail, steps, and landings for a more exciting albeit uncomfortable love session. Beware of emergency exits! Don’t trigger an alarm in the heat of hook up passion.

3) Conference Room – This space works great and there’s a HUGE table ready to be utilized for you carnal pleasures! Unless the walls are glass. If you really want to get tech-sexy then conference in your ex on the speaker and have him/her hear you getting it on.

3rd Floor...Women's Lingerie

3rd Floor…women’s lingerie

4) Elevator – Get in and get it on as you ride up in ecstasy to the top floor and then back down. Its a race to the finish! Can you get your sexytime thrills before the doors open and you’re discovered? It’s pretty hard to explain to folks why you’re on your knees in the elevator so don’t aim too, er…low when undertaking frisky elevator fun.

5) Closet – I guess if you can’t find anywhere else, you can have your tryst in a tiny box of a room with no lights. This is the worst spot ever. Mainly because I’m claustrophobic and I can’t even begin to imagine getting hot and horny in what is essentially a large standing coffin.

6) Bathroom – Everyone is using the bathroom on the main floor. Go up a couple levels and find an empty bathroom. Don’t act like its the first time you had a chick on the marble counter while the automatic faucet kept turning on getting both of your asses all wet.

BW -Tray 1 - 30 copies

BW – Tray 1 – 30 copies

7) Copy Room – Oh c’mon. You know you’ve always wanted to do it on a Xerox machine and scan your butt cheeks at the same time! Scan and Send to All!! Best office email ever!

8) Bosses Office – really only works if your’e hooking up with your boss. There’s no easier way to get fired than to have your CEO walk into you sprawled out on his desk with your dress up to your neck and the intern between your legs.

She's getting served alright...womp womp!

She’s getting served alright…womp womp!

9) Server Room – What’s hotter than the hum of a million internets zooming around in miles of cables in tall, hard, massive towers of metal? I actually have no idea how servers work but that room is always empty.

10) Your place/Their place – The easiest way to hook up. No one ever needs to know.

So drink up that egg nog and stock up on Advil. You’re all set for the best and most work-inappropriate fun!

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Help the Million Person Project Bring Storytelling Training Across The World

Next post

Here's Your Chance To Be The Broke-Ass Artist Of The Week!

Jay H - Bawdy Broadcaster

Jay H - Bawdy Broadcaster

Bay Area native. Oldest girl in a very large extended Mexican family. Studied Art History at UC Berkeley and of course I became a Nonprofit Marketing Consultant! Never married. No kids. Serial dater and and expert at the 'hang out' version of dating. Moved out of crazy expensive SF to Oakland and LOVING it! Loves sports. All of them. Except golf. Oh, and rhythmic gymnastics.