You Can Now Give your Vagina a Spa Day…Yes Really.

 “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” – Gwenie P. on Goop

You shall not pass!

Now I’m not an OBGYN but I am pretty damn sure that steam can’t get into my uterus by just hovering over a warm stew pot. Gwennie darling…do you know your own biology? First you have the vagina – it is a canal that connects the utuerus to the outside of the body. Hell, even guys have trouble finding this area sometimes. Then there’s the cervix that connects the vagina and the uterus. Its basically a muscle that works as a door guy for Club Fetus. Steam cannot find its way into your uterus through the vagina and past all the floopy labia without a strong outside force making it happen (read super happy penis or douche nozzle).

SIDE NOTE: Don’t force steam into your vag and for that matter stay away from douching, too. OBGYNs generally agree that its bad for you and messes with your internal fem-chemistry.

This is just a steam bath for your labia with some creepy sounding herbs added to make it sound holistic. The main ingredients in the spa treatment are Mugwort and Wormwood. Read this description and tell me you actually want that near your crotchal region. Look ladies, it does not balance your hormone levels despite what some waify A-Lister or fancy spa menu says.

3 teaspoons Moon Pantry Sex Dust

But wait! There’s more! Now let’s head into the kitchen where GP recommends making Sex Bark to boost your sexytime chemistry. Yes, yes, ya’ll….Sex Bark. Think Trader Joe’s Peppermint Bark but with Chinese aphrodisiac herbs and a special Sex Dust made by a boutique company in NY, Moon Juice. Of course 4 of the 7 ingredients in the recipe can only be purchased on the Moon Juice website.

“Ho shou wu is an herb tonic used for centuries to enhance youthfulness, reproductive function, and sex drive and Moon Juice’s Sex Dust is an aphrodisiac warming potion promoting enjoyable sex and fertility for both men and women.” – Goop blurb

Hermione honey…just squat and hover over that cauldron

Potion? Mugwoort? Woormwood? Sex Dust? Is anyone else thinking that she should just open a Hogwarts Hoohaa Spa?? Gwenie…just stick to acting.

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