Ask A Grown Up: Let’s Have A Quickie This Week!
Broke-Asses: I want to have a quickie with you… right now, right here on the Internet. Let’s do this shit!
Here are five questions with quick answers for you to consider and peruse. (And, don’t forget – if you have a burning question you need a grownup to help you answer, shoot an email over to email@example.com and I will be the cranberry juice to your UTI.)
R.P. asks, “Grown Up, does the Master Cleanse work?“
No it doesn’t. What it will do is help you audition for the sequel to Two Girls, One Cup. The “Master Cleanse” (developed by some Hollyweird dude in the 1940s, which should tell you a lot about it’s value) does however cause SERIOUS pooping. But, unfortunately it doesn’t clean your colon -or- reset your metabolism -or- burn fat -or- provide any of the health benefits it claims to provide. It’s a fad, a crash diet and, while you will lose some weight, (see above about SERIOUS pooping,) you will likely gain it all back again as soon as you start eating solid foods. There is no quick fix for weight loss, to be successful at this you have to change how you eat in a realistic way (I recommend reading The Blood Sugar Solution by Dr. Mark Hyman to help with that,) get off your ass and exercise more and realize that it took a long time for your body to get out of shape, it’s going to take a long time for it to get healthy again. Good luck!
W.K. asks, “I am the only single person in an office of married people. I’m also the only woman on staff. This makes for some awkward company picnics and parties. Should I just decline to go? Help!“
Fuck no, W.K.! You should go and have a great time!! If anyone gives you a hard time about being uncoupled, just remind them of all the things that single, unmarried people get to do: Sleep in on weekends; not have to consider anything other than their own desires when deciding what to eat/what to watch on TV/what social activities to participate in; mastrubate in any room of their house without worrying about someone catching them (the guys in your office will be really jealous about that!); have expendable income they can spend on themselves instead of someone else, a house or kids; walk around the house in ratty underwear and eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with their fingers without catching crap about it… the list goes on! Single people have an awesome existence and coupled/married people are just jealous, that’s why they give you crap about not having a partner. Foil them at their own game, remind them of your superior lifestyle.
S.P. asks, “My girlfriend really wants to get married, but I’m unsure. What should I do?“
Don’t get married unless you’re positive you want to build a life with that person. Period. Realize that relationships -marriages, especially- are hard work and if you’re unsure about the person you’re undertaking the task with, you should hold off until you ARE sure, otherwise you’re signing up for a sure-fire ticket to Divorceville, population of you.
C.D. asks, “I only have $20 to spend on food for the next week (so many bills – rent, student loan, car payment, etc.) Can you help me figure out the best way to spend that money?“
C.D. get to a dollar store. Buy a dozen eggs, brown rice, dried beans, cheese and some kind of vegetable in a can (personally, I like tomatoes, as they can be very versatile and are usually pretty healthy, regardless of who canned them.) You there have enough food for three small meals per day for seven days. Granted, they’ll be pretty boring meals, but you’ll be in good shape not to starve. You’ll have spent $5. Use the remaining $15 to buy fresh veg or meat at one of those Mexican groceries in the Mission. Maybe save a couple of bucks for something sweet or coffee as a treat. This week water will be your best friend, water will keep you hydrated and feeling full. Did you know that a lot of the time that people think they’re hungry, they’re actually thirsty? True fact. Consult Editor-in-Cheap Stuies ramblings on this very website or in his book to find out where there is free food being given away near you. Thrillist also has a recent list, but I think they cribbed it from Stu.
R.Z. asks, “San Francisco is getting so expensive, I am thinking about moving, do you have any suggestion as to where?“
Don’t come to Chicago. Seriously, it’s AWFUL* here.
*It’s wonderful here, I just don’t want an army of SF hipsters showing up on my city’s doorstep and wrecking the sweet thing I’ve got going. By the way, did I mention we have six months of snowy winter? We do. People who think it’s freezing if it drops under 40 degrees will not thrive here. You will hate it. It will hate you. Consider Austin, TX – they are already hipster-ed up to the gills there, plus it’s super warm. Or, Portland – I hear the dream of the 90s is alive in Portland. Tell them Fred Armisan and Carrie Brownstein sent you, they’ll LOVE that shit.
Got a question you need a grown up to answer? Email Kate at firstname.lastname@example.org and your question might be featured in an upcoming column!
[Photo courtesy of MoviePosterShop.com]