The 5 Best Bathrooms in SF to Poop for Free
Let’s talk about poop. Freud compared it to sex, and I think he may be right. Shitting is a form of ejaculation we were introduced to as infants. Sex is expensive. Pooping is FREE….well, if you know where to go. Here are the best five bathrooms to shit for FREE without hassle in San Francisco.
#5: McDonald’s, 730 Stanyan St. [Haight]. We all shop in the Haight. As much as dressing rooms mimic bathroom stalls, if you defecate in one, you will never be able to come back. Solution: walk down to Haight and Stanyan and drop a load in their FREE bathroom. This ranked #5 because of the proximity and knowledge of others who need to blast turd for free. But trust me. You will be the best dressed.
#4: CVS, 1760 Ocean Ave. [Ingleside]. This bathroom is private and pristine. It is so exclusive that I dyed my blonde hair pink in this loo for a good 40 minutes while nobody noticed.
#3: Northpoint Shopping Center, 350 Bay St. [Fisherman’s Wharf]. Individual stalls. Never locked. Never a line. FREE bathrooms in a neighborhood with the most expensive food. But the shit’s for FREE. Too good to be true.
#2: Macy’s, 170 O’Farrell St. [Downtown]. Basement bathrooms. Rated favorably because of the FREE perfume samples offered while navigating the fragrance section through the Stockton St. entrance before you drop. Be a lady or a gentleman. Spray after you play. Save this planet for future generations.
#1: Palace Hotel, 2 New Montgomery St. [SOMA]. These secluded porcelain gods are on the 2nd floor at the top of the escalators to the left, and the lock code is a decoy. Every time I drop a deuce here, I pause a bit because I think a servant is going to come in with a cloud and wipe my ass. The bathrooms are cleaner and larger than most SF food establishments. Personally, I’d pay four figures a month to live here. But don’t let me taint your opinion. This needs empirical exploration.
All of the aforementioned establishments DO NOT require a purchase in order to bust a dookie. You can even ask directions to the loo from a staff member and expect a cordial explanation (sans Palace Hotel). Be bold and exercise your right to poop for FREE. And enjoy yourself! Freud and I are proud of you.