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The 5 Best Bathrooms in SF to Poop for Free

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Let’s talk about poop.  Freud compared it to sex, and I think he may be right.  Shitting is a form of ejaculation we were introduced to as infants.  Sex is expensive.  Pooping is FREE….well, if you know where to go.  Here are the best five bathrooms to shit for FREE without hassle in San Francisco.

#5: McDonald’s, 730 Stanyan St. [Haight].  We all shop in the Haight.  As much as dressing rooms mimic bathroom stalls, if you defecate in one, you will never be able to come back.  Solution: walk down to Haight and Stanyan and drop a load in their FREE bathroom.  This ranked #5 because of the proximity and knowledge of others who need to blast turd for free.  But trust me.  You will be the best dressed.

#4: CVS, 1760 Ocean Ave. [Ingleside].  This bathroom is private and pristine.  It is so exclusive that I dyed my blonde hair pink in this loo for a good 40 minutes while nobody noticed.

#3: Northpoint Shopping Center, 350 Bay St. [Fisherman’s Wharf].  Individual stalls.  Never locked.  Never a line.  FREE bathrooms in a neighborhood with the most expensive food.  But the shit’s for FREE.  Too good to be true.

#2: Macy’s, 170 O’Farrell St. [Downtown].  Basement bathrooms.  Rated favorably because of the FREE perfume samples offered while navigating the fragrance section through the Stockton St. entrance before you drop.  Be a lady or a gentleman.  Spray after you play.  Save this planet for future generations.

Palace Hotel-SF-toilet (640x480)

#1: Palace Hotel, 2 New Montgomery St. [SOMA].  These secluded porcelain gods are on the 2nd floor at the top of the escalators to the left, and the lock code is a decoy.  Every time I drop a deuce here, I pause a bit because I think a servant is going to come in with a cloud and wipe my ass.  The bathrooms are cleaner and larger than most SF food establishments.  Personally, I’d pay four figures a month to live here.  But don’t let me taint your opinion.  This needs empirical exploration.

All of the aforementioned establishments DO NOT require a purchase in order to bust a dookie.  You can even ask directions to the loo from a staff member and expect a cordial explanation (sans Palace Hotel).  Be bold and exercise your right to poop for FREE.  And enjoy yourself!  Freud and I are proud of you.

 

 

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Badinage- Senior Drug Analyst

Badinage- Senior Drug Analyst

I wanted to be a 'traveling bartender' and live in every major city for 6 months and have a girlfriend and a boyfriend in each city. At the end, I would pick my favorite destination and live there permanently. I've lived in Amsterdam, Boston, Chicago, Denver, and Madison Psychiatric Ward in the corner room on the top bunk that we decided to keep on the floor.

8 Comments

  1. Broke-Ass Stuart
    May 14, 2015 at 10:10 am

    This is wonderful

  2. S0S3S
    May 14, 2015 at 10:58 am

    Well…it seems you forgot the best one at
    NEW PEOPLE
    1746 Post St
    They have Toto toilets, heated seats , rinse and dry…it is a whole new level experience.

    • Broke-Ass Stuart
      May 15, 2015 at 12:32 am

      Whoa…are those the Japanese ones that squirt water up your butt? If so, I’m SO in.

  3. May 16, 2015 at 11:49 am

    George Costanza would be proud

  4. February 20, 2016 at 11:08 am

    My favorite free bathrooms are the ones in City Hall…..

  5. Rhea Sunshine
    June 1, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    Woah woah woah. I’m sorry to have to drop this here, but this list is just wrong. The number 1 bathroom in the city is not even mentioned. Please do more research before posting an article for the world to believe. The best bathroom in the city is by far Dandelion Chocolate in the mission district. Not only is it reminiscent of a spaceship, you also get unlimited free chocolate samples during your visit. PLEASE dont disappoint to this extent again. xoxo

  6. Francis K
    June 9, 2016 at 11:46 am

    my favorite is the 2nd flr at the Marriott Marquis on 4th St

  7. Separate Checks
    July 31, 2017 at 3:13 pm

    The Men’s Lounge on the 4th floor of Bloomingdale’s….Divine!!! Your friends can watch the Video Screen while you make your deposit.