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The Nine Lamest Things About Polyamory

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openThere’s this trendy new ‘multiple partners’ relationship model called polyamory that in many ways actually sucks. When you hear us ‘open relationship’ types smugly describing our supposedly enlightened lifestyle, there is all manner of high-maintenance bullshit that we are not telling you about. So let’s expose this high-maintenance bullshit for what it is with a series of GIFs, memes and Internet ephemera describing the lame side of polyamory.

You Fuck a Lot of People Who are Lame in Bed

LameInBed

The dirty little secret of human sexuality is that most people are fundamentally terrible at it. If you’re polyamorous, your number of shitty, lame, pointless, unfulfilling sexual encounters increases at least fivefold.

“The least favorite aspect of polyamory is doing it with people who have too little skills and experience,” says Fuzzy Phillippe, co-founder of the popular play party Club Exotica. “Polyamory is much more than a choice: it is a practice of developing and integrating various abilities and qualities which takes time and effort and conversations.”

A person being ‘polyamorous’ is no guarantee that they’re better in bed. It might just mean that they having the same crappy, low-grade sex on a more frequent basis.

More ‘Processing’ than Actual Sex

Oh, polyamorous people love to talk, process and correct your behavior. I think they like pointing out relationship protocol flaws more than they like the actual sex itself. When exploring polyamory, be ready for a litany of picky-oony conversations detailing everything you “do wrong”, be it your choice of words, your inadequate trigger warnings or your improper citations of Kate Bornstein’s work.

Running Into an Ex Constantly

RunningIntoX

Isn’t it awkward when you run into a disliked ex-lover? Polyamorous people run into a disliked ex-lover three times daily before it’s even lunch.

“My current biggest gripe about polyamory is finding a sex party to go to that isn’t filled with my lovers other lovers, casual sex partners, or exes,” says queer porn star and writer Kitty Stryker. “As much as I like to be friends with my metamours, I don’t necessarily need that friendship to include detailed, intimate knowledge of how they like to have their genitals played with or how big of a toy they can stick up their ass!”

Your Partners Have Awful Taste In Other Partners

IHitThatToo

Inevitably, you cannot stand some of the people your partner is sleeping with. You just have to put up with this, sometimes enduring threesomes with people whose guts you kind of hate.

The Constant Jealousy

jealousy
These people whose guts you kind of hate will often appear to be get the sweeter arrangement in terms of your lover’s attention, affection, admiration and sexual indulgence. You just have to accept that jealousy is like vomiting, everyone has an occasional bout with it.

Taking Care of Other People’s Kids

babysittingThe people you are fucking often cannot provide childcare for their own children because of their “busy dating schedule”. So you get roped in on the basis of that one time you got oral three weeks ago. And they don’t even pay you the market rate that a common 17-year-old gets on the contemporary babysitting circuit.

Holidays Require Way Too Many Gifts

holidaysIf you have multiple partners your, holiday shopping list becomes all the more unreasonable. You will have multiple goddamned overpriced birthday dinners you are obliged to attend. And the number of phone calls you have to make on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day will completely nuke an otherwise nice, lazy Sunday.

PG&E Does Not Understand Your ‘Arrangement’

pg&e

“I also hate that the marriage laws, family law, etc., are so prejudiced toward two-person monogamous unions,” says legendary adult film star Nina Hartley. “As the laws about marriage, children, sex work, etc., are based on the sexism of the Abrahamic faith tradition, it’s oppressive to me, who doesn’t believe those things about marriage, property, etc., and it annoys the crap out of me.”

Exceedingly Clinical Terminology

polyamoryiswrong

Polyamorous people are extremely averse to cute and simple terms like ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’ and ‘crush’. Instead, they prefer terms like ‘secondary, ‘unit, ‘fluid-bonded’ or ‘handfasted’ that ensure no human warmth creeps into their relationship vernacular. This kind of misses the point.

“Non-monogamous people say that poly is more evolved than monogamy,” says sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko. “What is evolved is people giving themselves permission to love and relate in ways that make them happiest, and then dating their species — dating people for whom their particular way of loving makes them happiest, too.”

And I kid, being polyamorous has made me more exceedingly happy and well-adjusted person than I ever used to be. And those threesomes with people whose guts I cannot stand? They also have made me a better cross-coupling co-primary polyculist.

 

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

8 Comments

  1. Lasivian
    January 25, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    Nope, this isn’t biased opinion at all

  2. stevengodell
    January 25, 2016 at 8:09 pm

    Other than the paragraph referring to Reid Mihalko comments, I found this to be too much a badly mistaken and inaccurate blanket statement of what polyamory is. It has it’s own particular set of problems, just as monogamy and cheating does, but it isnt for the weak of heart and ethics, just as monogamous marriage is not for the inadequately devoted. And using a photo from Big Love is just wrong, in my opinion. That show is a total misrepresentation of so many things, from the fact they have purposely sought to disinform regarding practices in polygamy to the very fact that terminology wasnt even pronounced properly. If they cant say it right, they obviously dont know it right either. Subterfuge agenda is not about love and never was.

    My experience with poly has been that communication and open honesty is paramount to a good relationship. Being able to overcome jealousy and envy is important when the happiness of your loved one is at stake. Yes, we want them to be safe, healthy and happy, but we do not own them. Being unselfish is important. Being generous and understanding is also extremely important. Whether mono or poly, effort and dedication is what will make it work. It is no longer debateable whether a person can love more than one soecial person. That question has been successfully decided by many polycules of varied sizes, over many decades, quite often.

    • January 26, 2016 at 8:23 am

      tl;dr: “Allow me to prove everything about this article.”

    • SidianMSJones
      January 26, 2016 at 12:47 pm

      Relax, it’s just for laughs.

  3. MMNN
    September 4, 2016 at 9:11 am

    It’s yet another trendy hipster attempt at drawing attention to themselves and feeling more evolved than others. The people that I’ve encountered that claim to be a part of this movement are usually sad, damaged and insecure individuals looking for approval.

  4. CJSmith
    February 16, 2017 at 10:59 pm

    Ah, Polyamory. The excuse of personality disordered women and their co-dependant cuckolds. These types of relationships always involve emotional abuse of at least one partner. I do love it when proponents crap on about how ‘open’ and honest’ they are, though. Pro tip: ‘Honesty’ about the abuse you put people through doesn’t make it ethical. It makes you a sociopath.

    • Teppic_has_the_stick
      July 9, 2017 at 7:26 am

      Apparently you didn’t see nor understood shit on the subject.

  5. RobinIsDedSexy
    April 20, 2020 at 7:22 am

    So, I have a few problems with this post.
    Firstly, polyamory does not mean that you have a lot of sex. It’s the same as saying that simply because someone is in a relationship, they’re going to have sex. Asexual people exist, and this applies to polyamorous people as well. As a polyamorous individual myself, I currently have three partners and still have my v-card. It’s possible, and you shouldn’t assume that just because someone is poly that they have a lot of sex. It is true for some, but not all.

    Secondly, being polyamorous doesn’t mean that someone finds enjoyment out of pointing out personal flaws regarding how someone acts within a relationship. That is more of a personal trait rather than something specifically oriented with being poly. All of my partners have been kind and considerate, and if something does come up that’s bothering them, they talk to me about it. Because I want to become better for them. Not because they enjoy pointing out what’s wrong with me.

    Third, Being polyamorous doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to have a ton of exes. Yes, it can happen, but it doesn’t apply to everyone. I currently have no exes, but that is a bit beside the point. Just because you’re poly, that doesn’t mean you’re going to go through a lot of wrong relationships. Exes happen to monogamous people too. It’s a common occurrence.

    Fourth, if you’re not okay with someone one of your partners is with, you should talk to them about it. Part of a polyamorous relationship is being open with your partners, and everyone agreeing before adding someone new into the relationship. Being able to talk to your partners about how you feel about other people involved is important, and keeping quiet helps build an unhealthy relationship.

    Fifth, if you’re poly, you have to be ready to accept that you’re going to have obligations to each of your partners. If you’re not okay with something, such as helping raise one of their partners’ kids or going to x number of birthday dinners, you need to communicate with your partners about it.

    Lastly, being poly doesn’t mean that you don’t use terms like ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. My partners all use those terms, and I do so as well. polyamorous people still have human emotions and convey them to their partners. Just because you’re poly does not mean that you’re going to want to see more cold and distant and therefore won’t use more common vernacular when talking to or about your partners.