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Broke-Ass Beauty Tips for Your Neighborhood’s Microclimate

Updated: Sep 13, 2016 11:01
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You may have your friends back East fooled and thinking you live in a CALIFORNIA where the sky is full of sun and the air is salty from ocean breezes, but those of us that live in the reality of the Bay Area know better. Sunglasses and sunscreen are NOT all you need to get by in this town, so here’s what you DO need to keep everything on fleek depending on the neighborhood you’re in.


The Mission

This part of town is usually hot & sunny. While you should ALWAYS wear sunscreen (here, have a Werthers Original while I lecture you) it’s hard so make sure whatever makeup you’re wearing has a high SPF. BB cream accomplishes all of this and in my experience the drug store brands are just as good as the designer stuff. Also, take advantage of that sunshine with a sparkly manicure from the aptly-named Sparkle San Francisco on Valencia at 23rd, or just check out their amazing work on their Instagram at @superflynails.


The Haight

The Haight gets colder than the stares I give the street kids who are one apology to Daddy away from having their own apartment and that coldness can really mess with your skin, especially if you were in the Mission earlier. Essential oils are all the rage but if you want something that actually works and won’t stink up the entire N-Judah, try Josie Maran’s 100% Pure Argan Oil Light. Rub the teeniest bit on your skin, nails, or hair to moisturize without feeling all greasy.


Downtown is WINDY so DEFINITELY wear perfume because sometimes the wind changes and you get awful ocean/garbage smell rolling down Sansome randomly throughout the day. l’eau d’Issey by Issey Miyake is perfect for days in the FiDi and nights in SoMa because it is businessy as well as ladylike. Bonus broke-ass tip: buy the rollerball– it is WAY cheaper than the bottle plus it’s smaller and portable which allows you to smell good on the go and keep your dresser/vanity/milk crate relatively Spartan.

The Tenderloin


North Beach

You shouldn’t eat pizza in San Francisco, but if you’re going to, this is the only acceptable place to do it. But after you’ve shoved all that Golden Boy down your ‘za maw, you may notice the pores on your chin and mouth area have become gigantic. Here’s how you fix it: DIY pore refining mask. Basically all you need to do is mix one egg white with 1 teaspoon of lemon juice and 1 teaspoon of honey and put it on your greasy face — well, you beat them together until it’s thick and apply to a clean face, let it dry, peel it off, and rinse your face.

The Marina

I don’t go to the Marina a lot but when I think about it, I assume it’s just a lot of hungover 24-year-olds that work in PR having brunch. But if you lost your aforementioned giant dark sunglasses in the TL the night before, don’t go out all unsightly-like. Cover your eye bags with BeneFit Erase Paste which is a BIT pricy at $26 a pot but you work in PR, you’re totally worth it! Broke-ass tip: just go to the Sephora store to avoid the S&H involved with ordering stuff on and get the Beauty Insider card because the point redemption gifts are great and you get a FREE gift on your birthday.

Off you go, my lovelies. Godspeed and good hair to all of you, no matter where you live (even Oakland)!


image courtesy of Sparkle SF

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Allison Mick

Allison Mick

Allison Mick is an Oakland-based comedian originally from Rochester, NY. Her comedy tackles topics like race, gender, and serial killers. She can be seen every Saturday at the Cynic Cave at Lost Weekend Video in the Mission. She’s been written about on and has performed in such festivals as San Francisco Sketchfest and the S.H.I.T.s and Giggles Comedy Festival in Humboldt County, California. She's also a writer now, apparently. Check her out at


  1. cris
    July 21, 2015 at 8:53 am

    LOL your TL advice! I dig your writing style!

  2. AnonymousUser
    August 29, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    I got an even better idea. Take your yuppie ass back home and get out of our city.