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How To Meet Women According to Boyz II Men Music Videos

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I’m an elder Millennial so I don’t know how familiar you are with 90s R&B superstars Boyz II Men but you couldn’t go to a roller rink, play pogs, or not use a cell phone without hearing a song by these guys. The “Boyz” (Shawn Stockman, Wanya Morris, Nathan “No Relation to Wanya” Morris, and Michael McCary) are best known for their emotional love ballads about the pain of having a broken heart or the how they’re gonna fuck a lady right. But how did they get these women in the first place? Let’s go to the tape:

Get a dog and introduce yourself at the dog park (“On Bended Knee“) Pretty basic but this actually works and I have no qualms with the Boyz’ advice here. If you’re responsible enough to have a dog, good on you for being a good human and you deserve love in your life. If you already have a dog and have yet to meet any cuties at the dog park, try going at a different time of day or to a different dog park.

Install her security system and then trespass on her property (“I’ll Make Love to You” which should have been called “I’ll Make Love II You”) This one is objectively creepy and the most extreme example. It should be noted that the security system installation Boy II Man-ager did not attempt to break in, he just went on her porch to leave a rose and love note comprised of plagiarized Boyz II Men lyrics while she was taking a bath. Still super creepy. Maybe skip this one.

Be a soulful trumpet player in what looks like New Orleans (“On Bended Knee“) I feel like this probably works even better in a city that’s not New Orleans because trumpet players are a dime a dozen there. Speaking for all women, talent is hot. If you’re talented and can play it up without being condescending or braggy, you’ll have no shortage of women wanting you. WARNING: may result in your girl snapping one of your old 45’s in half.

In a warehouse where a trash fire is happening (“End of the Road“) Granted, in this video the Boyz are not picking up chicks at all. In fact, the lone woman in this video is breaking up with one of them while his friends watch in agony. BUT this weird warehouse seems like a chill place to see some truly entertaining shit like a bum fight or a secret Tyler Florence pop up. For me personally, this is an A+ first date location.

In a recording studio (“One Sweet Day“) Let’s get one thing straight: one of them DEFINITELY hooked up with Mariah Carey (my guess is Nathan). Just *listening* to this song is guaranteed to drop some panties (as long as you don’t listen to the lyrics like, AT ALL), imagine what it was like to MAKE it.

At a party that your girlfriend said she wasn’t going to (“Underwater“) Did you know Boyz II Men released an album in 2014??? Also they’re a trio now because Michael left due to chronic scoliosis. ANYWAY, parties are great places to meet girls. Just make sure your girlfriend doesn’t decide last minute to defy her neglectful, Bluetooth-wearing father and sneak off to the party and catch you. In fact, let’s tie in the awkward visual motif of this video and try to meet a girl at a pool party.

How NOT to Get the Girl, According to Boyz II Men Music Videos: wear the exact same outfit as your three friends (nearly every single video). Seriously, what are you doing? There’s only four of you! You can’t even pretend you’re a basketball team because you’re all dressed like you got a day pass from the Matrix to be in Solange Knowles’ wedding party. Don’t do it, baby.

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Allison Mick

Allison Mick

Allison Mick is an Oakland-based comedian originally from Rochester, NY. Her comedy tackles topics like race, gender, and serial killers. She can be seen every Saturday at the Cynic Cave at Lost Weekend Video in the Mission. She’s been written about on earmilk.com and has performed in such festivals as San Francisco Sketchfest and the S.H.I.T.s and Giggles Comedy Festival in Humboldt County, California. She's also a writer now, apparently. Check her out at allison-mick.com.