AdviceComedySex and Dating

Porn for Women

I know I don’t speak for every woman, but many of us have needs. Deep, difficult to satisfy needs that have to be carefully explored and often visually stimulated. Trying to satiate these rampant urges can take a woman down dark, unexplored paths of mystery. It can be delightful or dirty, sexy and sleazy… to completion or despair.

Together, we’ll discover what women use to get off.

Pinterest

Pinterest Board

Pinterest is like a ticker tape of female stereotypes. According to its live-generated feed of user interests, women really do like shoes, babies of all species, motivational fitness posters, cooking, and crafts. A sense of shame washes over me whenever I’m on it. But the thing is, I’m on it a lot. Trapped in the endless stream of Carolina Herrera dresses and Christmas-themed ribbon wreaths, I just want to know so desperately how to get that glaze on the strawberry basil tart. It’s so wrong but it feels so right.

Snooping in Strangers’ Homes

Beautiful Home

Try to tell me that I’m wrong, ladies. You open all the cabinets in your AirBnB, you wander into open houses when you know you’ve gotta rent for the next 15 years, you can’t resist an estate sale, and architecture magazines call you like a siren song. Something about judging a stranger’s home is irresistible and the acquisitive lust is like a designer drug.

Working Out

More specifically, telling people about your workouts. It’s fucking satisfying to look someone in the eye and tell them about your power yoga class/marathon training session/15 mile hike. It’s your body and you’ll do what you want. And nothing feels as good as a sweaty mixture of accomplishment and smugness, except maybe a cream puff covered in chocolate.

Cocktails

The fancier, the better. Can’t pronounce half the things in it? That’s ok, because you saw the word “grapefruit”. Women need drinks. We need them. That’s why we say that we do every happy hour, brunch, housewarming party, wedding, art opening, and on our best friends’ couches at 4pm on a Sunday. I have hopped 3 cities over for dinner at least 5 times just because of an exciting cocktail menu.

Astrology

Astrology

Almost every woman knows astrology is bullshit. With the amount of “accurate readings” on the Internet and the fact that apparently every person on Earth is supposed to fit into 1 of 12 categories, it’s not exactly science. Once they decided Pluto wasn’t a planet anymore, who knows what kind of celestial repercussions happened? But I’ll be damned if I don’t look up the compatibility of our signs with every dude I date. Every horoscope rolls around in my brain all day with edgy anticipation and gets frantically discussed with my friends. I’m worried about my moon being in flux.

Elizabeth Warren

She’s one woman out on a mission to make shit better and every time she shows up in a headline, a tumblr post, your Facebook feed, a tweet, in the conversation next to you in line at Tartine, or your drunk uncle’s rant about women not understanding how politics work…a delicious thrill shoots up your spine. Her speeches make us all feel alive and her sass is unstoppable. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I should be more like her.

Porn

Broad City

So funny story, women are people and they let us have the Internet. Turns out, it’s hard not to get turned on by watching other people have sex. Who knew? So all your threesomes and cumshots and hentai and BDSM and sexy pirates and “amateur’ videos–we’re watching them, making them, and starring in them. We love it, we hate it, we hide it, we need it, we tell our friends embarrassing stories about it while at dinner in the restaurant at the top of Nordstrom’s downtown. Porn is porn, there’s something for everybody.

 

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.