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Why You Shouldn’t Fuck Your Roommate

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I get it. You’re young and hot and poor, so you need a young and hot and poor roommate. Here’s why you want to take the hot part out of the situation: it’s a bad idea to fuck your roommate. I promise you.

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I’ve known many a fool who slept with his or her roommate and it’s safe to say that 90% of the time, it’s going to cause some weirdness. To better understand this important conflict of our times, I turned to my own roommate (who I have never fucked) for assistance.

Not wanting to have sex has enabled us to have that most perfect of roommate relationships, friendly and casual with a splash of drunken dancing in the hallway to N*Sync (mostly him).

1. The Feels

This should be pretty obvious. Either you or your roomie or both of you are probably gonna develop romantic feelings that will be hard to sift through. You don’t have many options here in reality. You’ll either stop altogether and fuck other people and feel weird. You can keep fucking each other while fucking other people and feel weird. Or you can become a couple and be those people who live together way too soon. If you have jealousy issues or commitment issues, you’ll have nowhere to go to escape. I can’t even begin to tell you how awkward it will be should an STI conversation need to arise.

2. Boundaries

If, however, you are like me and have an icy hole where you used to keep your feelings, you still have to deal with the semi-related but distinct displeasure of sussing out your boundaries. When you’ve fucked someone, when does flirting become an invitation? Who sleeps in which bed afterwards? Is it weird if you shower together? Do you shut the door when you change? Is it weird to make out in the kitchen while doing dishes? That’s too many questions for people who still have to go to work the next morning.

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3. Intimacy

Speaking of showering, a major reason I have never slept with my roommates is because we share bathrooms. I have often said that no couple should move in together that haven’t heard each other poop. When you live with someone, you’ve gotta learn to deal with that, and it’s a quick kill strike to your intimacy when it comes on too soon. With a roommate, you know what they look like with the flu, you move their hemorrhoid cream around in the medicine cabinet, you watch them eat spaghetti off of a plate stacked on their chest while playing Call of Duty, and you see their dirty laundry…literally.

4. Judgement

Your friends will judge you for this. It’s the prerogative of friendship that they will judge you for everything you do, stupid or great. Sleeping with your roomie will fall into one of these categories for your friends, depending on whether your friends themselves are stupid or great. Wanna bring your roomie to a party? Expect whispers. Your drunk friend sleeps on your couch? Know they are watching to see which room you stumble into.

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5. Finality

Maybe you don’t care what anyone thinks of you and nothing grosses you out. You’re still going to have to decide one day: when does it end? Really. When do you stop sleeping with someone who lives one room over and is at their most comfortable when you see them around? Chances are, you didn’t think about this when you started. But you’re sure as hell going to want to think about it when that first time’s done and you’re wondering when she put that bird mobile in her ceiling corner.

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6. Murder

You might get Single White Female‘d. I don’t know. I can’t predict the future.

So please, before you think it’s going to be the height of convenience to slip naked into the next room, remember how precious it is to find a good living situation in the Bay Area and just got to a bar for some strange instead.

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.