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The 5 Worst Halloween Costumes For 2015

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Halloween is the best holiday. I have evidence to back this up, but the main reason is that it doesn’t have anything to do with your family. It’s all just drinking, candy, scary movies and staying out late. Also, costumes. Pretending to be someone or something else is fun.

There is, however, an unfortunately large contingent of America that doesn’t seem to understand what constitutes a “good” costume. This year, in particular, has had its large share of pop culture and human culture events that can only result in terrible costume ideas. These are exactly the costumes that the worst dredges of our society will insist are funny and therefore appropriate to wear at every house party, bar and street corner they can find to harass the rest of us innocent bystanders.

They are wrong. It is not appropriate.

1. Caitlyn Jenner

Not only is there a horrifying mass-produced Caitlyn Jenner costume that I absolutely refuse to link to, but I can’t begin to imagine how many Jaegar-guzzling douchebags are going to throw on a corset and call themselves “trans for the night”. Regardless of how you feel about Jenner, you know they aren’t doing it out of homage to her bravery or some shit like that. They’re doing it to make fun of her, her supporters, other trans people and hide their unnecessary guilty feelings about how much they actually enjoy dressing up as a woman (which is why they insist on doing it in one form or another on this one day a year).

Better Alternative: I would be willing to accept either Kylie Jenner’s outrageous lip pumping, Bruce Jenner’s Playgirl cover or Kim and Kayne from the motorcycle music video. I hope this is not the moment where I need to remind you that blackface is never acceptable. Never. Under any circumstances.

2. Donald Trump

He is horrible and we all know it. We knew that 10 years ago. We knew that last year. We knew it from the moment he was allowed to open his mouth on a media channel. I cannot muster up any more energy to give a shit about this man and if you are really that concerned about how popular he is…stop reposting things about him. Dressing up as Donald for Halloween is also not going to be cute or funny or original. The last time it should have been a thing was after the first season of The Apprentice when middle-aged dads were going around saying “you’re fired” every ten minutes.

Better Alternative: Donald Trump Pinata

3. Mad Max
furiosa

Ok, to be fair, Furiosa is great. I would be happy to see any number of Furiosa costumes. Hell, I’d love to live in a place and time where trying to emulate a truck-driving super heroine without an arm was a common occurrence. But unless you’re shooting for cosplay-level devotion to your chosen character’s costume, it’s probably going to look half-assed. Are you going to wear a face grill all night and drag around an IV tube? Where will you get a transparent chest plate covered in medals? Did you forget about how much white paint you’ll need to cover your skinny chest and arms and that it gets everywhere? Yeah, think it through.

Better Alternative: Really, it only works if you hardcore group costume this. I’m talking full-out get your Furiosa and Max with a whole slew of wives and warboys running around and chasing each other. But not in a rape-y way please.

4. Katniss
katniss

Stop it. You’re being lazy and you’re not a preteen girl.

Better Alternative: Remember that scene where Peeta disguises himself as like moss and rocks and shit? Pull that off and I will give you a gold star.

5. “Sexy” Anything

Sexy Nurse. Sexy Schoolgirl. Sexy Geisha. At what point did we decide to make a mockery out of women? Oh right, forever. Maybe it’s time to think a little harder about what we’re trying to make sexy. I have absolutely nothing against a tiny costume. I ain’t looking to slut-shame you. There are questions to consider, however, like: is this insulting to an actual person’s life/profession? Is this creepy or entirely inappropriate? Is Sexy Hooker an unnecessary distinction? If the answer to any of these questions is “probably” then it’s time to work a little harder at getting your costume together. Don’t even get me started on the costumes that make fun of anorexia and female prisoners.

Better Alternative: Think outside the box. I was once Sexy Paul Bunyan and that was pretty fun until my beard got wet. Babe-raham Lincoln is always a good time. Or maybe an animate object of some kind like Sexy Pillow or Sexy Bowl of Ramen. Just kidding, what bowl of ramen isn’t sexy?

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.

2 Comments

  1. lostfootage
    October 28, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Honorable Mention

    6. Bill Cosby – bad sweater + cocktail shaker.

    • Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn
      Candace Cui
      October 28, 2015 at 9:43 pm

      Oh, good call. Thanks!