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Mayor Lee Says Homeless Dogs Must Leave Streets For Puppy Bowl

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Where is Ruffles supposed to sleep now? photo from cspn

Guest Post by Adrian Spinelli

San Francisco, CA – Next week, San Francisco will transform itself into the epicenter of the nationally recognized Puppy Bowl Festivities and newly re-elected Mayor Ed Lee has a message for all of San Francisco’s homeless dogs: Get out!

“They’re going to have to leave,” Lee said of his plan on how to handle the slew of homeless dogs who call Market St and other major San Francisco thoroughfares home. “There’s just no room for any dogs who aren’t A) puppies and B) AKC certified pure breds.”

Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is the largest puppy-related event of the year and and San Francisco’s local economy stands to benefit greatly from the presence of the 4-day event. With over 80 dogs competing on the Puppy Bowl gridiron, there’s just not enough room for all San Francisco’s homeless resident dogs to co-exist during the Big Game and the pop-up location dubbed “Puppy Bowl City.”

Lee cited the slew of prominent sponsors who will be in San Francisco for the Puppy Bowl, like Beggin’ Strips, Kibbles n’ Bits and Bark Bags Eco-Friendly Waste Bags. “We just can’t have homeless dogs around here when Beggin’ Strips is in town. You know that ‘It’s bacon!’ commercial? That’s them. It’s gonna be a really big party,” Lee said.

“A lot of these dogs are just flat out crazy, chase flying objects recklessly and have issues with addiction to leftovers. This is a dangerous place for them,” Lee added.

With celebrity dogs in attendance to watch the Puppy Bowl like the granddog of the 4th Lassie, Doug The Pug and Tuna Melts My Heart look-alikes and Rick Ross’s dog Rufus Ross, Lee knows that the spotlight will be on San Francisco during the Puppy Bowl and he just can’t take any risks with homeless dogs laying around looking all cute and dirty and shit.

Please note: this piece is satire

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.


  1. January 29, 2016 at 10:04 am

    ≎ Bummer and Lazarus are rolling in their doggie graves.

  2. Constance
    January 29, 2016 at 10:11 am

    EF this Mayor!

  3. Yoshie Hill
    February 18, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    Thank you for pointing out that this is satire…You made me laugh!