Arts and CultureSan Francisco

Mayor Lee Says Homeless Dogs Must Leave Streets For Puppy Bowl

homeless-dogs

Where is Ruffles supposed to sleep now? photo from cspn

Guest Post by Adrian Spinelli

San Francisco, CA – Next week, San Francisco will transform itself into the epicenter of the nationally recognized Puppy Bowl Festivities and newly re-elected Mayor Ed Lee has a message for all of San Francisco’s homeless dogs: Get out!

“They’re going to have to leave,” Lee said of his plan on how to handle the slew of homeless dogs who call Market St and other major San Francisco thoroughfares home. “There’s just no room for any dogs who aren’t A) puppies and B) AKC certified pure breds.”

Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is the largest puppy-related event of the year and and San Francisco’s local economy stands to benefit greatly from the presence of the 4-day event. With over 80 dogs competing on the Puppy Bowl gridiron, there’s just not enough room for all San Francisco’s homeless resident dogs to co-exist during the Big Game and the pop-up location dubbed “Puppy Bowl City.”

Lee cited the slew of prominent sponsors who will be in San Francisco for the Puppy Bowl, like Beggin’ Strips, Kibbles n’ Bits and Bark Bags Eco-Friendly Waste Bags. “We just can’t have homeless dogs around here when Beggin’ Strips is in town. You know that ‘It’s bacon!’ commercial? That’s them. It’s gonna be a really big party,” Lee said.

“A lot of these dogs are just flat out crazy, chase flying objects recklessly and have issues with addiction to leftovers. This is a dangerous place for them,” Lee added.

With celebrity dogs in attendance to watch the Puppy Bowl like the granddog of the 4th Lassie, Doug The Pug and Tuna Melts My Heart look-alikes and Rick Ross’s dog Rufus Ross, Lee knows that the spotlight will be on San Francisco during the Puppy Bowl and he just can’t take any risks with homeless dogs laying around looking all cute and dirty and shit.

Please note: this piece is satire

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".