Your Monthly Sex Horoscope
Your Sexual Fortune: March – April 2016
There is an uncanny wave of celestial movement in March and April, this period is going to be very wet both outside, and in your pants. Meaning you’re going to have some really dirty thoughts, and you might also end up fucking someone in a swimming pool. Many planets are entering Aries, and there is a Penumbral Lunar Eclipse on the horizon. Lots of pulling and pushing in the skys, but don’t worry, The Sex Unicorn knows exactly what you should do.
March 23rd Full Moon & Penumbral Lunar Eclipse:
A penumbral lunar eclipse occurs when the Sun, Earth and Moon align in an almost straight line. There is a kink in the sky, and because it is under Pisces, it is a must that you have intimate times in water, with a man who has a curved penis or a woman who is wearing a cast, or at the very least has a slight limp. You must join the union of moon, sun, and earth’s imperfect angle, you can do that with an asymmetrical lover. If you fulfill these requirements, your juices will flow like they never have before, you may experience the biggest orgasm of the year. Best of all you don’t need a partner or a lake (my personal favorite) to achieve celestial unity, you can easily use a clever vibrator and a bathtub.
And that brings us to our recommended sex toy for this month: The Moody G5 Vibrator by Good Vibrations and Fun Factory USA:
This multi-speed vibrator has a curved tip, which will get you inline with the universe and also stimulate your G-spot or prostate. It is also very water proof, so have sex with this on the March 25th full moon (in or around water), and it will probably change your life forever. My Unicorn horn is tingling just thinking about it.
The Sex Unicorn
Oh! and come to the Birthday party this March 18th : )