How To Deal With Assholes When You’re Grieving
Grieving fucking sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. My Dad passed away recently, and it’s like every asshole on the planet came out the woodwork. I can normally handle the average asshole with wit and charm. The people that have preyed on my vulnerability lately are a whole different class of asshole. I knew I was losing my shit when I cussed under my breath in yoga this morning.
“You can’t take on the world and heal your broken heart at the same time.”
So, how do you grieve when people are being complete dicks to you? I get that we live in a selfish day and age, but come the fuck on. I had a long time friend “de-friend” me on the Facebook because I lost my shit. Aren’t I entitled to lose my shit and get a pass? My Dad just died.
In comedy I often joke about cutting people, stabbing people in the face, murder…giving someone a high five, in the face, with a chair. What people don’t know about my cute, lil’ 5 foot 1 inch arse is that I come from a secret society of prison bitches. We don’t call my Maw Maw “Martha” for nothin’.
I kept telling myself, “Do not channel your inner prison bitch. Orange is NOT the new black.” I don’t look good in orange anyhow. Then I thought,
“When it comes to grieving maybe you should channel your inner prison bitch, and tackle the assholes Orange Is The New Black style.”
The Jealous Relative
There is always going to be someone who tells you that you aren’t doing it right in death. No matter who the person is to you, they are going to have strong feelings that they just can’t keep their damn mouth shut over.
My Advice: Roll like Sophia and tell them to just give it a rest and respect you. And no, you don’t have to say “Please”.
The Ex Who Just Wants A Piece of Ass
This person will give you one “Taystee” story to tell…
At least one ex, or five, will get all up in your social media. They’ll message you really disturbing shit, too.
My advice: Delete and block anyone who does this – immediately. These are not the kind of men you need in your life. They only want a piece of ass, so you should pull a Lorna and tell them to kiss yours!
The Long Time Friend Who Doesn’t Give a Fuck About Your Issues
Oh, this one is so much fun. No joke. There will be some people that are long time friends or friends of the family that will straight turn their back on you. This person might even go out of their way to tell you to to quit “PMSing” or worse…
My advice: It’s okay to pull a “Crazy Eyes” on this person. If they don’t respect you during your grieving process, they probably talk shit about you behind your back. Use this person to just unload all of your anger on, because they ain’t your friend anyhow.
The New Person Who Just Wants A Piece Of Ass
If you’re single, you’re pretty much screwed. This person will have your back. They will comfort you with empty promises. This person will appear to be the hero who is there to save the day, when they are actually a villain who just wants one thing from you. When they get what they want, they’ll leave you high and dry in a river of tears.
My advice: Don’t let anyone into your heart while you are grieving. People are mean, and will use you just because they can. If you physically and emotionally go out of your way to hurt me when I’m grieving I’m gonna be like Red…
My advice: Tell said person you are doing you’re best to keep your inner prison bitch at bay.
For now, I’m not going to sugar coat shit for people any more. I’m living life these days #nofilter. Like Elle King “I gotta mouth to put you in your place.” Unlike Justin Bieber I’m not gonna be light-hearted about it and censor said feelings – I’ll just straight up tell you to “Go fuck yourself.”
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