How I Lie About My Life with Instagram
image by Alondra Olivas
I do it on my way to work. I do it while I’m on the phone with my boss. I do it on the plane. I do it in between gchatting and facebooking client meetings. I do it before I go to sleep. I do it in the bathroom. I do it when I wake up. I think I’ve even done it in my sleep. I do it before a date. I do it during a date. I do it after a date. I did it 5 minutes ago under my desk.
If your mind is in the gutter right now, get it out of there. And by the way, I like the way you think and we could probably be close friends.
I am talking about instragramming of course. It’s like crack wrapped up in a Fruit by the Foot with Dorito crumbs on top. My thumbs have gotten noticeably more muscular since I discovered Instagram. The likelihood of me ending up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on account of my rampant Instagram scrolling is high to quite high. I’ve been a ‘grammar for almost three years now and OH MY GOD that might be the douchiest thing I’ve ever written.
One of my favorite writers wrote a piece about Instagram and how deceptive it can be. Since I spend 43762357 hours a day on the gram thanks to my anticlimactic deskjob, I thought I’d throw in my 2 cents on the subject and and share some of my grams that were completely misleading.
The Puppy Shot
You’re thinking:
She has a puppy. He’s fluffy and cute and loves her. She has a lovely time frolicking with him through fields of ambrosia and Haribo gummi bears. He willingly poses with her and cherishes being held. You know how they say: dogs resemble their owners – it’s kind of true. So adorable and care-free.
Reality:
I am not this dog’s owner. He belongs to a family I babysit for when I need extra money because San Francisco is expensive, I work on straight commission and spend all my money on Plan B wine and Chinese Food. That’s right – I am an adult babysitter. After multiple raids of the family snack cabinet, I forced this little guy to pose with me against his will. He subsequently grazed my brand new Vince sweater with his red rocket. I almost cried.
The ‘I’m Super Outdoorsy and Active’ Shot
You’re thinking:
She went hiking with a couple of friends. She inhaled the fresh, dewy breeze as she effortlessly trudged up the smooth terrain. She lives in beautiful California, and is an avid hiker/completely content with life.
Reality:
I was forced to go on a group hike against my will by a friend who criticizes me for always flaking. I struggled to keep my balance on the uneven, rocky terrain as I trailed behind my friends like an atrophied noodle. As a result, I inhaled their farts. The only hikes I take are to my corner store to buy Parliaments and Doritos. This photo is filtered to the umpteenth degree.
The Vacation Shot
You’re thinking:
She’s in Newport and has had the best vacation ever.
Reality:
This was taken 2 hours before my mom drove me to the airport and lectured me for an hour and a half about partying less and finding a husband/better job/life. After a week of boozing, headbanging and smoking cigs I am so tired I could cry. My hangover anxiety coupled with my fear of flying is almost too much for me to bear and I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I am heartbroken about leaving my friends and family because I know I won’t see them again until Christmas BECAUSE AIRFARE.
The San Francisco City-Scape Shot
You’re thinking:
Oh wow, she’s taking a beautiful stroll through luminous San Francisco. She is basking in the twilight and loving life.
Reality:
I remember this night. I was walking home from the dentist because I had 2.17 in my bank account because I’d just paid out of pocket for a root canal and didn’t have insurance because I’d recently been fired from a reception position because menial tasks like greeting people, answering phones and making coffee gave me debilitating social anxiety (was that a run-on?). I felt worthless, alone and sad. It was not a good night for me.
The Throwback Shot
You’re thinking:
Aw, what a cute family picture.
Reality:
I’m self-conscious because I can’t stop wetting the bed or breastfeeding (hence boob-grab). And sucking my thumb.
The Cool Urban Shot
You’re thinking:
She got up early to take a brisk walk around the city. She’s so together and independent.
Reality:
I met a recent college grad guy at Balboa last night and am walk-of-shaming from his parent’s house apartment, there is a twig in my hair and I think I left my spanks under said guy’s bed. The heel on my shoe is broken, my mascara has run all the way down to my chin and I think I just saw my coworker drive by. I also just mistook a random person’s car as my uber and tried to get into the back seat, scaring the ever living shit out of her. I feel confused.
The “I have a Valentine and can Prove it to You” shot
You’re thinking:
She has a hot Valentine who was creative enough to send her 80 bags of her favorite candy because ROMANCE AND THOUGHTFULNESS.
Reality:
My receptionist bought and put these into a heart formation for me as a surprise. I am perpetually single because I always go for unavailable players and oh my fucking god, I am a therapist’s wet dream.
The “I went to a Snoop Dogg concert on 4/20 at the Fillmore, My life is Filled with Activities’ Shot
You’re thinking:
She went to a cool concert at one of San Francisco’s oldest venues with her older brother. Family time is so valuable and they sure know how to have fun!
Reality:
I am stoned/paranoid out of my mind, and just got whipped in the face by some guy’s dread. I’m clinging to my brother so I won’t lose him in this massive crowd of concert-goers that are terrifying the fucking shit out of me. I have already drunk texted 4 exes and the night is young. Also, I can’t feel my face.
The ‘I have a Job’ shot
You’re thinking:
Oh, she has fun at her pretty decent job and is able to laugh with her coworkers.
My boss ripped me a new asshole after I had the maintenance guy snap this photo while she was in the shitter. She threatened to fire me if I didn’t pull it together – and I cried hysterically. Then I ate a cup o’ noodles for lunch because INSUFFICIENT FUNDS.
The “I’m Cleansing and Am Super Healthy” Post
You’re thinking:
She’s super healthy and has bought into the whole San Francisco juice cleanse craze. Hip.
Reality:
These bottles belonged to my coworker, Darryl.
And, that’s all I got. My point: life isn’t always as it seems, especially on social media. But you knew that – this was just a friendly reminder.
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