How to Flirt with a Coworker

Sex is love’s curious child.  Sex is a candy that only strangers have.  If I were a superhero, I’d want my power to be Sexually Desired.

Why should we allow a basic need to be so powerful?  Sexual thoughts and fantasies are something we all do repetitively throughout the day.  So how do we navigate these intrusive daydreams around our work crush?

I fell for a nurse practitioner.  She was crazy brilliant.  Crazy in that she was stealing my adderall.  I swapped it with laxatives, and she stole 6 and called in sick the next day.  I never told on her, and she respected my exercise in authority so we had coitus in the back of her Lexus as a respectful goodbye.

I fell for a doctor.  Not bad, but she’s married to a surgeon.  She likes me back though.

I fell for a bartender who’s a recent divorcee.  She fucked me then brought a 19 year-old-could-be-model to the work party 3 days later.  

All of these crushes ended in goodbyes, but success is about the journey not the destination.  

How to safely flirt with a coworker:

• Bring her a packet of hot sauce.  Flowers are trite and too obvious. Hot sauce is quirky and alluding.
• Keep hard candy at your desk/in your office. Girls love little jolts of sugar that aren’t too fattening. Talk to her when she visits your candy jar.

• Ask her for help with a work problem, but make sure you can intelligibly debate the correct answer or you’ll risk looking stupid.
• Be a detective.  Scope out a unique, secluded place to meet her for lunch.  Make it adventurous or cozy.  
• Use any hint to find out what she likes then use it against her.  Talk to her about current events in SF involving her interest or current news.

I’m not qualified to discuss whether this is healthy or not, but it is a reason to come to work every morning.

Besides, being professional is just being superficial and arrogant. Professionalism is a side effect from social stratification that isn’t supposed to divide populations anymore.     

Why can’t what happens at work, stay at work?  Our work itself is already protected by HIPAA, etc.  Why can’t our actions be protected, too?  I should be able to have sex with my coworker and be protected by some government body that she never tell her affluent surgeon of a husband. It isn’t like sex hinders intellectual capacity like taking drugs at work would. NOT having sex hinders intellectual capacity. Not having sex is like not having an office window. Not having sex with that coworker triggers a PTSD that’s triggered by her presence causing anxiety and an inability to concentrate.

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