The Best Late Night Grub in Detroit After Drinking 15 PBRs
Last Friday I turned 30, so of course, I got drunk and ate like shit. Since it wasn’t on my tab, I didn’t drown in Stroh’s and Canadian Club this time, instead, I killed my liver in a fancier way with Ghettoblaster and Grass Widow. Either way, I still had the typical hankering for something to satisfy a hammered man’s appetite but ballin’ on a budget style. When you get three sheets to the wind after a Detroit City FC game and then visit one of the 600 bars or restaurants within the city limits, there’s always options for grub after everything else closes.
Nestled right outside the bustling epicenter of Campus Martius and relatively equidistant from Joe Louis Arena, Comerica Park and Ford Field you’ll find two of the most famous coney dog slinging spots. What the fuck is a coney dog? IT’S NOT A FUCKING CHILI DOG! Sorry about that. Specifically, a Detroit style coney dog (because that’s where it originated so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise), is the best weiner you’ll put in your mouth. Consisting of a pork and beef natural casing frank, slathered in a beanless beef heart meat sauce, artistically painted with mustard and crowned with chopped onions, it will soak up the entire evening’s bar tab partying in your stomach. At $2.35 a dog any broke-ass can afford a post bar crawl feast. Just take note, the 100-year great debate of which coney is best between Lafayette and American. That’s for your drunken appetite to decide after visiting one, or more, of the many bars surrounding the coney dog civil war. For the record, Lafayette is the better of the two, you’re welcome.
So you didn’t stay in the trendy downtown area and somehow made your way to southwest Detroit? Whether it was Mexicantown, a hood-ass club or dive-ass bar, you’re now in Duly’s territory. Territory that is known for serving the west side’s best coney dogs and quick eats under five bucks. Luckily it’s good enough that you’re behind won’t be mad about evacuating it in the afternoon. Wolfing down wieners after a bucket of Warsteiner not your style? Luckily, breakfast isn’t just reserved for wake and bake cravings for those born and raised in South Detroit.
Side note: If you really like that Journey lyric you’re probably not from Detroit. I hope that the one and only long bar that encompasses the entire length of Duly’s, has no vacancy for your white girl wasted-ness.
Old and new school Grecian greatness can be found all around Detroit’s historic Greektown. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love inexplicably thin slices of a lamb and beef concoction served in a wrap that half the people mispronounce sober? Plus, if you’re like me, watching blocks of cheese being set on fire indoors is entertaining as hell. Truthfully Plaka’s helps ease the pain after losing your paycheck at the nearby casino. With food like this how the fuck is Greece struggling? OPA!
Burgers cure all, it’s a known fact. Especially when you’re drunk, especially from Telway and especially when it’s four of their burgers for $2.25. Basically, you can ‘Sticky Bandit’ your way to semi-soberness. Telway, like many of the late night lures of the liquored-up, has stood the test of time. To make it in Detroit, you have to be able to withstand a lot, and then some. Just like you’ll be able to withstand the Uber home and room spins with a stomach full of classic cheeseburgers.
Located in the historic, creepy, and shady (in a good way) Leland Hotel, Luci and Ethel’s is a fairly typical throwback diner-style setting. What’s atypical is the clientele, and this is really why you should check this place out at 3 A.M. on Friday or Saturday. It’s fairly common to find yourself amongst locals, people living in the hotel, the almost homeless, aimless gutter punks, and most importantly, the patrons of City Club. What’s City Club you ask? It’s a place where people who still listen to industrial, 80’s synth pop and goth rock go to stop crying and start dancing in a place with no heat and only lit by black light. Are you pissed this place only has late nights Friday through Saturday? Well if you’d really want to be there any other night then you’re just a true freak because it’s a diner, you’re there, you’re hungry, you’re goth and/or broke.
Tequila, tacos, tequila and tacos. If that sounds like a good gut-busting night then hopefully you’ll make your way through Detroit’s Mexicantown and end up at one of the only notable after hours spots that caters authentic Mexican way late. AKA go fuck yourself Taco Bell, I’m not trying to shit the bed again. Plus if you’re lucky and there’s a soccer match eight hours ahead in Europe, you’ll be able to drunkenly try to explain, and simultaneously question, the game as that’s the only channel they seemingly have there.
Yes we do have chains in Detroit, no not the chains that falsely secure the abandon buildings (I mean we do have those), but corporate and franchise establishments too. There are three Crave Case palaces in Detroit but stick to the one in Corktown. Not only because it’s convenient but it’s surrounded by some of the best Irish watering holes. If you don’t want to support local (you’re an asshole), stumble down the brick paved streets for some sliders and chicken rings. Ok, fine, I’ll admit those chicken rings are the shit.
Ferndale is the fabulously gay little brother to Detroit that finally got its first 24/7 * diner in years. Unlike most of what has been mentioned, it doesn’t serve the greasy and grilled grub to which you’re used to gobbling down at 3 AM. Daily Dinette is affordable faux-gourmet. The sugar from their bomb ass donuts will power you through enough to sloppily try and bang the odiferous hipster chick you’re bringing home to your cat flat.
*Author Edit – Daily Dinette is no longer 24/7, but is open til 3 AM Friday and Saturday.
Enjoy the hangover and booze poos kids!