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10 MORE Food & Drinks that Shouldn’t Exist

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Perhaps you recall my earlier article titled “10 Food & Drinks that Shouldn’t Exist“. Well lucky for you, the universe hasn’t finished with us yet. It continues to crap out ungodly creations that are theoretically edible.

But point of fact, lots of things are theoretically edible like paper…or humans.

Burger King Mac n’ Cheetos

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If this is the first time you’ve seen this offense against God, you probably thought “what the hell am I looking at?” I know. I thought that too. It’s macaroni and cheese, fried, and possibly dunked in Cheeto dust. Much like the historic and horrible KFC Double Down of olde, it seems like it was created solely to push you into a heart attack. Or win you that next siege in World of Warcraft. Or both. I’m not trying to limit you.

Swedish Fish Oreos


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How dare you, Oreo? I trusted you. In a similar misguided vein of taking two things that people like, some idiot thought it would be great to take mindnumbingly sweet gummy fish with chocolate and “cream” cookies. Here’s the thing though: you can only get them at Krogers, which I was honestly surprised still existed. It’s like they knew it was destined for the deepest pits of Hell.

La Madeline au Truffle

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I was on a plane when I saw this travesty featured in a show about the world’s most expensive luxuries. I didn’t choose to watch this but I did choose to be disgusted by the idea of a whole truffle (the fungus kind) that was dipped in chocolate and then put in a box. This shit costs $250. Why? And why would you want to eat that? It sounds disgusting and like a terrible use for both truffles and chocolate.

Kale Chips 

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  1. Are we over kale yet?
  2. Making them into “chips” does not designate them as a “guilty pleasure”.
  3. Stop trying to trick me, goddammit.
  4. Ugh, they’re not that good.
  5. I’m over kale. Get over kale.

Lester’s Fixins Buffalo Wing Soda


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So you’re looking to burn through your stomach lining as quickly as possible and subsequently vomit on your most hated enemies? Oh boy. Do I have the right liquid solution for you. Screw you, Lester. I’d rather just have chicken.

Meat Shot Glasses


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While I appreciate that these beefy shot glasses accomplish both categories of what I’m covering, I am personally offended as someone who enjoys alcohol and meat. Now you’re just trying too hard, like when people insist on putting bacon on things that don’t need it. I imagine the people who make these also ask each other if they even lift…bro.

Jellied Eels


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I am not against jellied things. I am not against eels. I am not against traditional British foods or any culture’s traditional foods for that matter. I’m also not against judging things by their appearance. I am, however, fundamentally against everything jellied eels represents…based solely on Jesus-Christ-look-at-that-awful-mess.

Powdered Alcohol

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No, it’s not what you think. Unless you think that’s powdered alcohol, in which case you are absolutely correct. Do I need to explain why this is a bad idea? I know I mentioned above that I have a high appreciation of booze but I also have a high appreciation of living a reasonable life. I don’t want to tell you how to do you but if you need to get your alcohol in portable, powdered, snortable(?) form, you need to start asking real questions about your lifestyle.

Rainbow Doritos


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This is basically a repeat of my past article’s assertion that turning foods into rainbow colors is unappetizing at best, pandering at worst. Supposedly, this was an effort to “support the LGBTQ community” but perhaps they might have been better helped by switching out all that food dye into actual money in donation form. Just throwing that out there.

Suicide Squad


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It’s not food or drink. I just really hated this terrible, terrible movie.

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.