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Gloriously Insane Excuses Men Give To Get Out Of Dates

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 “Only I could get stood up by a man who has eight cats. Yep. Eight.”
cat man

My hilarious dating life has been the subject of not only one insane book Hope You Have An Amazing Birthday…And Get Raped By A Bear, but also a dating column, two very sassy blogs, and loads of family ridicule. “He’s just not that into you” doesn’t begin to cover it. My sister’s boyfriend has even asked my family why a smart, successful, attractive woman like me is single. Because I date douche bags, wank sticks, twat-waffles, and fucktards.  I took to Facebook this week to see if any of the other beautiful women I know have this problem. Here are the most gloriously insane excuses men have given to get out of dates:

“He just got his car out of the shop and it ended up costing more than he thought.” 

“He said he was moving back home to become a priest.” 

“My 4-wheeler’s broke.”

“If you’re not going to fuck me after our date, I’d rather not. Keep in mind, this was a blind date. He called 2 hours before and dropped that little gem.” 

sneaking out
 

“He went to the toilet in the middle of our date and never returned. He rang me in the wee hours of the morning to say ‘Sorry I had to leave. I had an epileptic fit in the toilet, so I drove myself to hospital.’

“Handjobs.” 

 “He called me as soon as I walked in the door after our date, to tell me not to bother calling him again. He’s not that interested in me. Told me I was cute and all, but he couldn’t see himself in a long term relationship with a short petite girl.”

 “His mom said no. He was 32.”

mameatloaf

 

“Two days before Prom he found a girl in school who would make better ‘arm candy’….not even joking, that’s exactly how he worded it. What a bag of dicks!” 

 

“He was at the STD clinic sorting out a “just discovered” issue. Text me to say it might not be wise to meet!”


“I’m too attractive.” 

“Had his hair cut. It was too short. He couldn’t leave the house or see anyone until it had grown back.”

“I had gotten a lil’ too thick through the hips for him.” 

men calendar

“He was busy counting pennies and told me to come over in about an hour. An hour later my best friend came to my house smitten with some guy. I got caught up talking to her trying to figure out what she was so giddy about. Turns out he was with my best friend ‘counting pennies’.”

“His wife found out.” 

“He had to go watch the final of his friend’s summer boules tournament.”

 

And my personal all time favorite excuse for not being able to make a date…

“Can’t this weekend. I’ve invested in a new cat toy company and the prototype is arriving by Friday night.”

 

My reply…

 

“Okay, Jack Hanna – lover of all animals. It’s all good. I’ve become an astronaut today and I’ve gotta go to the moon this weekend.”

jack hanna

I can’t believe I thought it was a good idea to date a guy with eight cats. I guess when you’re in your 30’s you dismiss red flags. Giant, honking, huge red fucking flags.

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Brittany McComas - Sassy Lil' Biscuit

Brittany McComas - Sassy Lil' Biscuit

Sassy Lil' Biscuit moonlighting as an underwater basket weaver. What? It's a valid profession.