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Where to Get Laid in Detroit

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“I gave her that D, cuz that’s where I was born and raised in.” So it’s not THAT easy Big Sean but there are some fairly sure-fire ways when looking for love in all the right Detroit places.

Bars –  Duh alcohol…With over 600 places serving alcohol in Detroit, there’s bound to be some sloppy strange willing to be mounted post-Tigers’ game or 70 hour week at Quicken Loans. A relaxant and an inhibitor, good drinks (or lots of shitty ones) and at the very least decent conversation, can lead to pub rubbing.

Two James Spirits is always a good place to be convivial before coitus

Two James Spirits is always a good place to be convivial before coitus (Photo Cred – Mike Berry; Google+)

Art Galleries – In the last few years, just like anything cool, Detroit has seen more art galleries pop up. Liberty Street Collective and Red Bull House of Art are two great choices to be your easel for some art snob sex. Click over the newest Shepard Fairey installment or “unknowingly” compliment your way into that grungy metalworker’s pants gabbing about his newest steel sculpture. Who knows, one day you and your sweet lovin’ could become someone’s muse. 

Be like this guy! Bullshit your way through a local art show and right up her dress.

Be like this guy!  (Photo Cred – redbull.com)

Museum District – Nerdy dudes & chicks love big… brains. The Detroit Institute of Arts is one of the best art museums in the country. They host a fun soiree every week called Friday Night Live. Basically, it’s booze and music inside the museum and sometimes on the lawn during warmer weather. Across the street The Detroit Public Library’s main branch is a gorgeous multi-level aphrodisiac smelling of mahogany and leather bound books. Behind the DIA is the Michigan Science Center and Bill Nye is so hot right now! Plus, there’s so many good science pick-up lines; “Do you have 11 protons? ‘Cause you’re Sodium fine!” Neighboring the Science Center is the Museum of African History, which is perfect if you’re down with the swirl (I know I am) and at the same time enjoy learning and respecting other cultures (I know I do.)

Jam out with your clam out to some of the classiest performers the Detroit Insititute of Art can fit into their Diego Rivera mural room - motorcityblog.blogspot.com

Jam out to some of the classiest performers the Detroit Insititute of Art can fit into their Diego Rivera mural room (Photo Cred – motorcityblog.blogspot.com)

Wayne State University – Nestled in the most popular neighborhood in Detroit, Warriors currently in class and alumni alike know how to get down in Midtown! Finding a cute study buddy AND helping them pass the class is college’s way of saying, you earned getting that “A” in more than one way (Or “B” if you’re into that too.) From football game losses to co-ed filled events like Dally in the Alley, there’s always good enough reason to indulge in cheap beer and bond. If anything, you’re in college, you’re broke and there’s always Netflix and chill.

“Venkman: Hi, Egon. How’s school? I bet those science chicks really dig that large cranium of yours, huh?Spengler: I think they’re more interested in my epididymis.” – Ghostbusters II (R.I.P. Harold Ramis)

Wayne State University students can study anatomy or study "a broad", yep that's Cheesy Humor 101

Wayne State University students can study anatomy or study “a broad”, yep that’s Cheesy Humor 101 – (Photo Cred – studentcenter.wayne.edu)

Alternative Clubs – Gays and Goths have a handful of places to connect on common ground; you’re all fun, attractive and willing to explore and experiment.  Whether it’s talks about Pride at Menjo’s and SOHO or contemplating what KMFDM album you both like best while at City Club, both are great alternative spots. 

Adorable goth couple cozies up at Detroit's City Club

Adorable goth couple cozies up at Detroit’s City Club (Photo Cred – goingseptic.tumblr.com)

Festivals – With the likes of Orion Music Festival, Oakaloosa and Charivari popping in and out of Detroit there’s always festivals big and small that has something for everyone. Bring someone, or meet someone, and magic can happen. The bigger the festival the more likely there’s a hotel room involved or at the very least you have plenty of concert courting options. If you’re really daring there’s always the forest, a hot as balls backseat or a port-a-potty. Either way, if it’s Molly or metal, the sin is your in, or just the mutual admiration for festivals and the artists there. Whichever gets the job done.

Girl Talk even enjoys this couple making out on his stage

Girl Talk even enjoys this couple making out on his stage (Photo Cred – detroit.cbsloal.com)

Roofies – JK! For real if you drug someone for sex, go fuck yourself and get your holes handled in jail. Preferably in the federal prison in Detroit. Preferably by Nasty Nate and his naughty jungle of love. For real fools, if you’re dishing out cash for Rohypnol then you have the money to partake in the world’s oldest profession. Illegal prostitution still exists on the country’s oldest paved road between the 6 and 7 mile stretch. You can also get some of the best sweet treats from Dutch Girl Donuts, but there’s no guarantee the treat you pick up from the corner will be sweet or a girl, and most likely not Dutch. But hey a BJ is still BJ if you’re desperate and don’t know.

Author’s Note: It’s not easy to write an article like this and having to answer questions from your girlfriend along the lines of, “How the fuck do you know all of this?

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Curtis Schabath

Curtis Schabath

Detroiter, dog dad, and down-to-earth dude. Living the creative lifestyle and crusading for quality causes all while adoring alliterations. You can trust 95% of what Curtis says and 100% of what he does. He can often be heard misquoting common idioms, his favorite; "Better safe than safari".