10 Reasons My Fanny Pack is Rad
How I learned to stop judging and start loving my fanny pack
When I told a friend of mine I was really digging my new fanny pack and had even worn it on a date, she rolled her eyes and replied, “We have to break up now.” Such is the profoundly polarizing power of this humble accessory. There are basically two kinds of people in the world: those who find fanny packs to be a practical, hands-free solution to carrying important stuff and those who consider them a fashion atrocity akin to golf visors and jeans with elastic waistbands. As a complex person I am able to see the merit in both of these positions and until very recently was very firmly entrenched in the fashion atrocity camp, thinking that fanny packs were only for dorky dads, German tourists, and raver kids. And then something changed…
My Prozac pack
A fanny pack lowers my everyday anxiety levels by keeping all my important outer-body things (phone, wallet, keys) close to my important inner-body things (stomach, heart, small intestines). This mechanism seems to operate on a primal mammalian level of wanting to have things you need safely snuggled up against you like sweet little furry babies. When we’re all together and fully charged we feel good and ready for anything.
A great conversation starter
I love making jokes about my fanny pack and seeing how people respond. When I’m at a loss for what to say and want to keep the good ol’ conversation ball rolling, asking, “Do you like my fanny pack?” rarely fails. It might get you talking about the ‘80’s, fashion faux pas, the Renaissance Faire, what “fanny” means in Britain or alternative words for “butt.” All of these options are better than politics and religion.
It’s a great team captain
Picking dodge ball teams can be so difficult and feelings can get hurt, but not if you let the fanny pack take charge. Simply say, “Can everyone who is not judging my fanny pack stand here and everyone else over there.” Of course, most people will want to be on the haters team who will most likely knock the smiles right off the faces of those it’s-what’s-inside-that-counts, live-and-let-live people.
It’s an ergonomic rockstar!
The fanny pack keeps weight exactly where it belongs: close to your powerful hips and core and away from your tired, overworked shoulders. You won’t realize how much chronic tension and stress those stylish shoulder bags and backpacks are causing until you dare to take them off. You are going to be feeling so much relief you won’t even notice the fanny pack related heckling your friends will sending your way. Try to forgive them and maybe get them a massage for their birthdays.
Your best bar buddy!
How many times have you felt in vain for a hook to hang your purse on at the bar? Or, while getting down, realized with a flash of panic that you haven’t seen your purse in a while? Nothing halts the fun train faster than worrying about your stuff getting jacked. With the fanny pack your stuff is with you at all times so you can put all your attention where it belongs: on flirting and drinking.
Making peace with my inner dork
As a freelance writer I’m always looking for cheap forms of therapy and wearing my fanny pack has been quite healing. Think back to the first time you let some cool kid bring you down, cause you to question yourself or somehow stop you from being who you really wanted to be. Every time I strap on my fanny pack I’m kicking that cool kid in the ‘nads and giving my inner dork a high-five.
Goldilocks and the three little fanny packs
While purses, back packs and other stuff-carrying accouterments have gotten huge, fanny packs remain “just right.” Keys, phone, wallet, tampon, condom, lipstick— what else do you really need? Whatever the five things are that you can’t live without, they should fit nicely in your fanny pack and help you simplify your life.
Leonardo da Vinci (probably) wore one
The Renaissance was the big, fun celebration that a bunch of smarty pants people threw to celebrate the end of the Dark Ages. Beer, champagne, whiskey, the piano, mechanical clocks, submarines and fanny packs were all discovered during this incredibly fruitful period in human history. Everyone was like, “We need our hands free to invent all this cool stuff and do the anti-plague dance!” The people of the Renaissance were also smart enough not to call their leather belt bags, “fanny packs.” Let’s get real about human progress and accessorize accordingly. No one is going to invent the first time-machine while holding onto a clutch purse.
Let your fanny freak flag fly
Getting the fanny pack is just the first step on this journey of self-discovery. Now it’s time to customize. Pins, spikes, patches, puffy paint, fringe and more. Have fun DIYing your fanny pack. Haters hate while lovers get out the hot glue gun. People are already judging you so you might as well just be your whole, messy awesome self.
In a pinch it doubles as a belt or a loin cloth.
Tarzan had to put his keys somewhere.
So for the above reasons and many more I invite you to reconsider the humble fanny pack. I know it can be hard to let go of being snarky and occasionally some back sliding may occur (especially when sequins are involved). Mocking other people’s fashion faux pauxs is a hobby and sport that most of have enjoyed from time to time. But consider the magical possibilities of radical fanny pack acceptance: A sea of beautiful, happy dorks dancing in the streets. A mellow and groovy world full of calm people who know exactly where their phones are located. That’s not a party you want to miss.