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The 7 Types of Football Fans You’ll Party with this Season

This post originally appeared in the The Bold Italic. The awesome illustrations were done by John Leguizamo
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Ah yes, football season is almost upon us. It’s that special time of year where bets are placed blindly on guessing which teams will make the Super Bowl, jerseys are called up from the disabled list (the drawer where you keep your “seasonal clothing”), and fantasy teams are cobbled together with players ranging from “Hell yeah!” to “Ah hell, I’m stuck with this guy since Jeremy got the QB I wanted.” Some people call this part of the year preseason; to real football fanatics, though, it’s called “Jesus Christ, is it September 5th yet?”

As any football aficionado knows, there’s a variety of different types of fans. Below is a list of seven of them that you’ll find this season out at a game, next to you at the bar, or even in your fantasy football league.

1

You know the Hardcore Fan. He’s the one with the Raiders tattoo. He goes to every home game because his family has had season tickets … for like 20 years. The games he doesn’t attend are spent staring fixedly at one of the TVs in the Phoenix, Kezar Pub, or Columbus Cafe. No matter where he catches the game, though, the only utterances from his mouth are screams of triumph, wails of heartbreak, and distracted mutters of, “One more Anchor Steam, please.” If the Raiders win he’s the best person in the world to hang out with because he’ll buy everyone drinks all night long. But when they lose, he’s inconsolable and is best left to go home and cry a little on his black and white pillow.

2

This guy. The Party Animal Fan doesn’t really care if you’re watching football, baseball, men’s figure skating, or competitive snail racing. He’s there for the beer and the good times. If the home team is winning, he’s screaming along with the rest of you. If the home team is losing, he’s cracking jokes and, well, still kinda screaming about stuff. He’s really good at screaming. That’s because he’s excitable, in a Frank-the-Tank kind of way. He’s always the life of the party and no one really faults him for getting the Niners and the Raiders confused because watching games would be less interesting (and less loud, and honestly, less dangerous) without him around.

3

The Bandwagon Fan just moved to the Bay two years ago to work for a start-up. He never really cared about football before, but since moving here he’s gotten caught up with the enthusiasm shared by all his coworkers who also just moved to the Bay two years ago. Well, that and the enthusiasm that goes along with day drinking. He often talks about how cool of a guy Colin Kaepernick is, thinks about fun stuff to wear on game day, and if the Niners start to suck, will refocus his Sundays on brunch. That said, if the Niners keep it up for a few more years he might actually turn into a really solid fan. He’s never even mentioned the Raiders once.

4

This fan lives and breathes football. She went to every single game during college, goes on stadium tours when visiting other cities, and exclusively reads biographies about famous players. Ever since moving to San Francisco she’s been a die-hard Niners and Raiders fan and looks down upon those who aren’t as rabid as she is, especially the Bandwagon Fans. The KWMAFTY Fan has both the home and away jerseys of multiple players, knows the season schedule for the entire NFC, and dominates her fantasy football league on a Tywin Lannister level. She’s fun to watch games with because she can go on at length about pretty much any aspect of the sport. Her knowledge of strange and obscure rules is better than half the announcers on TV.

5

The Hipster Fan only makes references about players that have been retired for 10+ years. While he liked sports as a kid, once he got to high school he decided that all jocks were assholes and that sports were lame. He’s just recently decided that liking sports is cool again. The Hipster Fan is the guy in the skinny jeans and vintage gold 49ers jacket that he paid like $500 for online and looks silly in. He also has throwback Air Jordans to complete the outfit. Given his out-of-date knowledge of football history, he’s fun to have around because he always reminds you of random plays and players of your youth, saying things like, “Remember that time Raghib ‘Rocket’ Ismail nearly ran a 100-yard kick-off return?” He does this to make the point that he liked football before it was cool.

10

The Sports Center Fan gets all his football knowledge from ESPN. He’s the guy who brings up totally asinine facts when discussing sports and focuses more on random statistics than on who actually wins or loses. Most of the things he mentions are just regurgitations of things he hears on TV. His friends were sick of his shtick by the end of last season. What an asshole.

9

7. The Fantasy Football Fan: The Fantasy Football Fan cares way more about his fantasy team than any actual team in the NFL. For him the rush is all about thwarting his friends each week, so much so that he doesn’t even really care that much about winning the money they all threw in the pot at the start of the season. His arcane knowledge of fantasy football scoring quirks is immense and absurd. He’ll even root against his home team if it means his fantasy running back gets six more points. He’s the guy who stares at his phone/laptop/tablet the whole game and consults his Fantasy Football app like it was the Holy Bible. In his dream world, The League is his real life.

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".