New ShitNews

All of Hillary Clinton’s Perceived Health Problems

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

Recently Hillary Clinton had to leave a 9/11 memorial event early due to what most were reporting as ‘undisclosed health problems‘.  She was whisked away to her daughters apartment in Manhattan, and then reappeared a few hours later smiling and waving to reporters.  Under heavy pressure from the media, her doctor disclosed that the candidate was diagnosed with pneumonia.  We have since compiled her secret health records and would now like to share them with the the world, here are ALL of Hillary Clinton’s hidden AND UNDISCLOSED diseases.

Frowning Disease (or RBF)


After her historical night at the DNC as the first woman to be nominated for president by a major U.S. political party, many men discovered that Hillary was not smiling like a healthy woman should.

It was rumored that Hillary Clinton has what is commonly referred to as ‘RBF’ or “Resting Bitch Face”.  Just look at what Republican National Committee chairperson Reince Priebus noticed about Hillary, the first woman nominated for President of the United States.

Political journalist and editor for the Atlantic made an incredible medical observation about the candidate’s voice (which as we all know is another sign of “Women’s Frowning Disease”

The evidence collected by conservative white males is overwhelming, Hillary Clinton clearly does not smile enough and reminds them too much of being disciplined my their mothers. She must have ‘womens’ frowning disease’, most commonly observed when something serious is being discussed.

Unusually High Tolerance to ‘Mansplaning’

Hillary has been in politics on a federal level for 25 years.  Over that time period the amount of condescension received from old white men has reached crisis levels.  It can only mean one thing.  She has a freakishly strong immunity to ‘manslpaning’, or what conservative males call ‘being frigid’.  In either case she has a  dangerous and untraditionally high tolerance for mansplanning, and voters have a right to know.

Predisposition to Promoting Beyonce

beyonce hilary

When asked about Beyoncé’s Lemonade Hillary said, “I have seen parts of it, and I do like it. It’s great.”  When asked at town hall meeting if she if she’d rather be president or Beyoncé, Hillary said, “I’d rather be president because I can’t sing,” Clinton replied. “Nobody would pay to see me sing or dance. Even when I was a way lot younger, that just wasn’t in the cards for me.” Clinton continued, “You see her on TV, it’s impressive; you see her in person, you’re just stunned. Thinking like, how does she do that? Really. I mean, she singing, she’s up and she’s down. She’s just amazing.”

See, we told you, a dangerously high levels of Beyonce praise going on here.

Unnatural Immunity to Bill Clinton’s Charms

bill clinton charmsI mean, how?  So many have fallen victim to Bill Clinton’s southern wit and charisma, yet Hillary has somehow built up a tolerance, even an immunity to it.  It’s unnatural, there must be something wrong with her.

Email Purge Disorder
hillary email

She cannot stop herself.  Email Purging Disorder is a digitally occurring disorder characterized by recurrent e-purging, and/or the misuse of private servers, security clearance, and/or Black Berries) to control story line or cover up supposed mistakes.  The rumors that Hillary is simply too old (68 yrs) to understand the finer details of how email servers work are completely unfounded.

Allergy to ‘Baskets of Deplorables’
hilary lgbt

Speaking at the LGBT for Hillary Gala in New York City on Sept. 9, 2016 , Hillary practically admitted she had a medical aversion to racists who support her opponent. She was quoted as saying, “I know there are only 60 days left to make our case — and don’t get complacent, don’t see the latest outrageous, offensive, inappropriate comment and think, well, he’s done this time. We are living in a volatile political environment. You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people — now 11 million. He tweets and retweets their offensive hateful mean-spirited rhetoric. Now, some of those folks — they are irredeemable, but thankfully they are not America.”


Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Why site seeing is stupid and you should do cooler things in NYC

Next post

We wanna send you +1 to see Mexican rock band Molotov!

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got great things to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community.
alex at