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How to Choose A Dating App in 2016

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We live in the Internet Age. Our whole lives are touched by the digital and not a single one of you is exempt. I know that because you’re reading this.

So it should be no surprise at all that online dating is now one of the most popular ways people meet. But between the ghosting and dick pics and fuckboys and various other horrible new terms we’ve developed to deal with the social fall-out of pinning our hearts to an algorithm, are any of us really getting what we want?

The problem might lie in our own expectations, in being choosy or not. It might also be that we are overloaded with options, the paradox of choice. To help you navigate the murky waters of swiping left or right, I’ve compiled a handy guide to the biggest dating apps out there (and oh god, there are so many of them), with the questions you should ask yourself before deciding whether or not to write a “blurb” of lies about your personality and interests for strangers to pick apart.

Or hell, just try them all. I did. You’re welcome.
Disclaimer: as a straight ciswoman who dates primarily straight cismen,I have a limited perspective on the many other options and kinds of relationships out there.

The App

Ask yourself…

If you answered ‘yes’ to any…

If you answered ‘no’ to any…

tin

Tinder

 

Do you want to meet everyone, literally everyone?

Are you prepared for dick pics?

Do you use Snapchat?

Does your ideal relationship max out at 3 months?

 

You’re a person who likes to make a lot of choices but not necessarily follow through on any of them. You may be a little basic.

 

You may not be ready for Internet dating. This is about as simple as it gets.

okc

OkCupid

 

 

Are you good at writing?

Did you take a lot of online quizzes in high school?

Do you want to keep it “casual” but actually want a long-term relationship if that means you still get to sleep around from time to time?

 

You like talking about yourself and you like to google people before you meet them. You think you know what you want, but you don’t. Your favorite book in high school was probably Grapes of Wrath.

 

It’s probably for the best, since they’re just using you for sociology experiments anyway.

pof

Plenty of Fish

 

 

Are you desperate?

 

No, I promise, you can do better.

 

Let’s move on.

match

Match

 

Are you ready to get married?

Do you like to travel? Do you also like to laugh?

Do you like paying too much money for things?

 

Don’t bother with any of the other sites. You want to take your time to find someone with simple needs, like you, who just wants to be loved, by you. That’ll be $49.99 per email and $14.99 per wink.

 

Obviously, you’re not taking this seriously enough.

cmb

Coffee Meets Bagel

 

 

Do you love waiting in line?

Do you enjoy being underwhelmed?

Is this the only app anyone told you about that wasn’t Tinder because you aren’t looking to get some strange tonight?

 

You’re an old soul, or just old. That’s ok, because the 3 people the app sends you each day will be just enough for you to Goldilocks your way into deep, placid contentment, if you remember to allow notifications.

 

You might as well download it anyway because it is honestly the least offensive of all the choices I can present to you.

league

The League

 

 

Are you better than everyone else?

Do you like waiting in line but only for cool shit?

Are you ok with dating a Republican?

 

Well, aren’t you fucking fancy?

Do it if it makes you feel better. I wish you and your children the best of luck in the upcoming race wars.

 

Ugh, yes, I downloaded it and paid for it. You really shouldn’t be trusting my advice here.

bumble

Bumble

 

 

Are you a feminist?

Are you sure?

Are you really sure?

Did you run out of people on Tinder?

 

Those sticker overlays are weird, right?

And yet, everyone is so good looking.

But, no one commits. So have fun with that social mind-game.

 

So wait, you’re not a feminist?

hinge

Hinge

 

 

Do you enjoy shitting where you eat?

Have you had a crush on your friend’s ex for a long time?

Do you lack subtlety most of the time?

 

I used to trust my friends, until I remembered that I wouldn’t need a fucking dating app if my friends were better at their goddamned jobs*.

 

*Which is making me happy.

 

Good, your friends’ friends are all married with kids like they are by now anyway.

eharmony

eHarmony

 

 

Does this website still exist?

 

No lie, I actually typed “eHarmoney” by accident.

 

Apparently it does. Your rebranding doesn’t fool me, eHarmony. I’m still too relevant to use you.

zoosk

Zoosk

 

 

Are you my dad, setting this account up for my cousin who just moved here from China because you think she needs to meet more men in Alabama?

 

Stop, just let me do it for her later.

 

Then don’t worry about it.

 

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.