Why Dogs Are Better Than People, and of Course Cats Too

Updated: Aug 15, 2020 10:56
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Why do “dog people” seem so frick’in happy all the time?

dog cover

Dog owners always seem to hanging out chatting and smiling at each other in the park, with while cat people are home alone listening to folk music. Not even touching warm bundles of poop can bring dog lovers them down. Social science research shows that dog people are more extroverted, agreeable and conscientious, which is why they like to hang out in parks, smile at each other and carefully pick up their dog’s poop. Cat people are more neurotic and open, which is why they’re at home watching weird stuff on Netflix while their cats silently judge them.

What plans do dogs have for taking control of city hall and instituting mandatory pig ear distribution?

Dogs took a major step toward municipal domination when their humans went from “owners” to “guardians.” The term was officially adopted by the city in 2003 and was seen as by animal rights activists as a positive development in their fight to increase the rights of animals and the responsibilities of the humans who care for them. Some experts speculate that it’s a step toward animals gaining legal rights and the ability to sue their owners for not taking them to the beach enough.

Do you have any proof that dogs are the new kids?

dog child
According to 2010 US census data the entire country has more households with dogs (43 million) then kids (38 million), so it’s a demographic trend in general. According to US census data these are approximately 115,885 kids in San Francisco or 14.3% of the population is under 18. Per animal care and control there are approximately 120,000 K-9’s in the City. You should have seen this place before they instituted the pick up your human kids poop rule.

How do dogs make us feel so good that we sometimes forget to date humans?

Research shows that when a dog and owner make significant eye contact an oxytocin feedback loop is created that calms and soothes both dog and human. This mechanism is very similar to what happens when a mother gazes into her babies eyes and she gets high on the “cuddle hormone.” In one experiment dog owners who made the most eye contact raised their oxytocin levels by 300%! All the mood benefits of nurturing a small human without having to save money for their college education? Having a pup is a dog-on good deal.

Why is my dog, unlike my girl friend/boyfriend, always happy to see me?

dog happy
By using MRI brain scans Neuroscientist Gregory Berns, author of How Dogs Love Us has shown that, “the scent of a familiar human evokes a reward response in the (dog) brain.” So basically our scents’ are like a tiny bit of crack for our dog. Also licking faces and smelling crotches is the doggie form of saying “howdy!” Who wouldn’t want to come home to someone who’s always excited about their crotch?

Why do we love dogs more than cats, pigs or teenaged humans?

Dogs were the very first animal to ever be domesticated an estimated 15,000 – 30,000 years ago. Since then dogs have been evolving to please humans and doing whatever they can to earn our care and protection (including wearing designer sweaters and being toted around in purses). Dogs can also recognize how you are feeling by your facial expression or voice. Being able to read and interpret the moods of humans has helped dogs become our biological partners in crime and to form a symbiotic relationship with humans.

Why do French Bulldogs look cuter than any other breeds when wearing sweaters?

dog sweater
Surprisingly there is no scientific research on this phenomenon yet, but we do know what cities spend the most on pet accessories. While walking in the Castro might lead you to believe that San Francisco buys the most designer dog sweaters, according to the Gods of retail San Francisco spends less then Miami (doggie bikinis?), Seattle (rain jackets?) and Atlanta (?) and is 4th in pet accessory spending.

Why are dogs are so damn cute?

Our good buddy Charles Darwin was one of the first to notice that except for elephants floppy ears do not exist in the wild and appear to be a product of domestication. Other cutification traits designed to make domestic animals more irresistible to humans are curly tails and fur, agreeable natures, mellowed teeth, less musky smell and the ability to wag and whimper to get our attention. The experiments of Russian scientist Dmitri K. Belyaev most elegantly illustrated this process by taking a group of wild foxes and selectively breeding the ones that were least fearful and most friendly toward humans. The end results were floppy eared, curly tailed love bugs that made excellent pets.

Did you know your dog’s butt contains a compass?

Some very quirky researchers from Germany and the Czech Republic asked dog owners to track the orientation of their pets when they did their business and discovered that they almost always lay it down on a north-south axis. Once you get past who would actually volunteer to do this, you might be wondering why K-9’s have this superpower. Scientists speculate that it allows them to find their way home when lost by using the Earth’s magnetic fields for orientation. So if your phone dies and you have no idea how to get home perhaps if you wait long enough your dog can help.

What should you do if your dog is still really bummed about Bernie dropping out of the race?

dog costume
A “sit and stay” in the Wag Hotels Ultra Suite is just what the Veternary order for the ultimate in K-9 rest and relaxation. Of course an Ultra Suite is extra large, but it also has 24 hour room service, a 42” internet enabled TV with custom music and movie selection, extra plush bedding, a nightly 2-way video chat, all day play groups and custom walks and a before bed belly scratch and bedtime story for your tired little guy. I’m totally jealous. How come nobody loves me that much?

What would dog’s think of all the puns humans use when writing about them?

dog pun
Again there’s no scientific evidence on this yet, but experts speculate that if the puns were delivered in a cutesie voice and followed by a treat most dogs would probably learn to love them. Which is a good thing because many humans love puns almost as much as they love dogs and most dog related articles are chock full of them. “I would be barking mad if it was any less than 95%,” said social science research and Bay Area dog war expert and unapologetic pun lover Jackson Wilson, PH.d of San Francisco state University.

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Heather Robinson - Artisanal Trouble Maker

Heather Robinson - Artisanal Trouble Maker

Heather Robinson has been doing stupid stuff in San Francisco for almost 10 years. She loves dive bars, typewriters, and creative people. Buy her a beer and she'll solve all your problems.