Things Too $hort Taught Me About Sex That Turned Out to be Wrong
In 7th grade I had to go to a couple different record stores before anyone would ignore the large “PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT LYRICS” sticker and sell me a Too $hort album. I’ll never forget my excitement when a scraggly guy in a Nirvana t-shirt finally sold me “Cocktails”, an album almost exclusively about sex. Guys in my class told me that Too $hort was ‘the biggest Mac in East Oakland’ and a legend who had been with hundreds of women. Since I was 11 years old and knew nothing about hooking up, or about ladies, I took every word of the album very seriously.
What I would learn later is that everything that Too $hort taught me about sex turned out not to be true.
Lie #1: Cocktails & Pythons
Just by looking at the cover I was immediately led to believe that sexy women loved alcoholic beverages and python snakes. Then I listened to the song ‘Cocktails’ and mistook it for good advice. It’s 7 minutes of Too Short rapping about girls he’s had sex with:
Cocktails by Too $hort
“She was fine as fuck, but can’t fuck with Tina
Tina, Tina, the sperm cleana.
I took her to my house and told her strip
Baby got freaky-started doing the splits.”
First of all Mr. Short, there is no such thing as a “sperm cleaner”. Second of all, yelling ‘STRIP’ at a girl in my Junior High in 1994 was guaranteed to land you in detention and not in any kind of ‘freaky sex’ situation.
Lie #2 Fatal Fellatio
In High School a friend of mine recommended “Get in Where You Fit in“. Right away the title seemed to be good advice, I was a freshman at the time and was having trouble fitting in with the ladies, in fact very few girls seemed interested in touching my penis at all. I looked through the album jacket and found a song that I thought would obviously teach me something about intimacy:
Blow Job Betty by Too $hort
“But then I shot that fatal nut
Must ‘a knocked that bitch on her butt
She couldn’t even breath she was holdin her throat
Me and my homies just hit the door”
“When I saw that
My brain clicked
I bust a nut and killed a bitch…”
That’s when I was led to believe that blow jobs killed women. A fact that nobody ever covered in any Sex Education class BECAUSE IT’S NOT TRUE. There are dangerous sexually transmitted diseases but there is nothing in text books about ‘fatal nuts’. For months as a teenager I assumed I was walking around with a dangerous weapon in my pants. Goddamn you Too Short, everything you’ve taught me about sex was wrong.
Lie # 3: Pimp Slappin’
Fuck My Car by Too $hort
So get butt-naked let me slap that ass
Play with them titties while I tap that ass
Slam your face in the pillow, and arch that back
Have you lovin this dick like it’s made of crack”
At summer camp I learned that some girls DO NOT like getting spanked and having their faces mashed into a pillow, but after becoming an adult I’ve been told that this technique can actually be pleasurable if done correctly between two consenting adults. So touché, Mr. Too Short, touché. This one is a wash.
Lie # 4: No Matter How Many Different Ways You Say “Beeatch”, Woman Still Don’t Like It.
Over the course of 20 albums Too Short has used ‘bitches’, beyatches, biznatches, beeatches, and god knows how many other pronunciations of the word ‘bitch’. In his song “Call Her A Bitch” the word is used approximately four thousand times, and in exactly none of those instances has it sounded good to a lady. No matter what kind of swagger you put on that word, it still ends up being a huge bummer, and does not lead to ‘freaky sex’ in any way shape or form.
So let this be a lesson to you impressionable young males out there, The Things Too-$hort is Teaching About Sex (mostly) Turn Out Not to be True. As it turns out Too Short was actually a pimp, who was mostly rapping about prostitutes and groupies in his songs. As a pimp, Too Short was a person who solicited customers for a prostitute or a brothel, usually in return for a share of the earnings. So unless you want to pursue this particular profession, other strategies with women are highly recommended.