Halloween Horrorscopes: Your Best Costume To F*ck In
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The moment the calendar flips from September to October costume anxiety hits like a ton of god damn bricks! What to be? What not to be? We have taken some time to look into your future and tell you what costumes will help you make the most of this boneriffic holiday! With a little help from us, it’s gonna be all treats for you!
Look, we hate to break it to you, but thanks to Venus and Scorpio being in a bullshit tango, you’re basically going to be the personification of Nirvana’s “Something in The Way” in the nookie department. Try as you might, none of your fuck boy or fuck girling around will manifest into anything. You’re frustrated as all hell, and who wouldn’t be? We suggest you channel that frustration and go as a vampire, because October is going to do a hell of a lot of sucking.
Seriously, what the fuck. Thanks to some weird action between Venus, Scorpio, and Mars you are basically moody with the booty. Spoiler: this month it’s not going to be big, hard, strong, or sensitive enough for you no matter what orifice you put it in. Sorry. You are in shitty teenager retrograde and black fits your mood perfectly, no getting around it, so embrace the funk and go as a goth.
Well, check you out, little twin stars! You have shaken off that anti-boner fog that had been hovering around you for Satan only knows how long, and you are on the mother fucking prowl! Seeing as how you are going to be getting a lot of action, we suggest you stick with an easy access costume – we are thinking going as a sexy nudist would really suit you! And carry around a power tool too.
With both Venus and Mars in your houses of getting it on, it is no surprise that you are feeling conflicted. On one hand you want to get all slippery and grope-y with someone, but on the other hand you are feeling like you want to fuck some shit up in a very real way. So much contradictory nonsense! We suggest you whip out ye ole pregnant nun costume or sexy Barbara Bush.
After a long spell of hectic slutting around, you are entering into a phase where Venus is telling you to put aside the glow sticks and neon lipstick and get into some real OG decadence. Nothing says “It’s all going to shit, but I’m going to make the most of it” quite like the Roman Empire. So we suggest you throw on a toga, stick some condoms in your sash, and find yourself a classic Bacchanal Halloween party.
Jesus Virgo! This month we have two words for you: impulse control. As in you are totally lacking it. Ain’t no need to fret, sometimes the moon comes out and you just got go out and get your sexy fix and have a blast doing it. So this Halloween you may as well embrace the fuck cyclone that you are and go as a sexy bunny. Is it the most creative? No, but we anticipate this costume will reflect you to a T. And don’t be afraid to wear a vibrator around your neck.
HELL-O Daddy! Thanks to an auspicious pairing of Pluto in Uranus you are in CONTROL, and you are loving every second of it. No search for love here, you are looking for a sweet little sub to spit on, spank, tie up, and having them begging you for more. Naturally we think that medieval dungeon master would be just the look for you this Halloween.
Well, well, well. Venus is up in your house of relationships like woah. This means you will be getting a lot of attention from a lot of people you’d like to see naked and you will have the stamina to make everyone so happy you came. Make the most of your insane magnetism and other-worldly strength by going as a super hero. Might we suggest Magneto?
We’re going to put it out there as gently as possible for you: October you’ve got two planets up Uranus and you are, unfortunately, not into that in the slightest. Bummer town. You’re going to be moody, crazy and frankly no one is going to think that you are the hot shit that you believe yourself to be. Skimpy Donald Trump costume anyone and a huge dildo is what you need.
Damn you are blasting the whole world with your kinky need to be recognized. It’s cool! No underwear, short dress? Tight jeans and a boner? Yeah, putting your sexy self on display is the name of your game this month, after all, who doesn’t like some public exhibitionism every now and then? We suggest you make the most of your boldness and go as a flasher ‘cause we know you’ll be all about showing your goodies!
This month favors you highly for getting some when on the road. No real travel plans? Well, don’t let that stop you from embracing the stars wanting to put you and a stranger from a strange land in bed together. With like zero clothes on. So we think dressing up like a saucy flight attendant would lend itself nicely to your role play.
Pisces, you are going to be flipping the sexual script this month! You have always been drawn towards diaphanous fabrics and mystical sexual positions, and this month is no different in that aspect. You are down to try some sexy fun that is down-right other worldly. Do you and embrace your swirly dreaminess by going as a fortune teller. A sex fortune teller.