AdviceArts and CultureBoozeChoose Your CityColumnsComedyComedyDIYNew ShitNewsSan Francisco

Farewell and F*** You, C.W. Nevius

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!
nevius

Image: YouTube

Farewell and good riddance to San Francisco’s most insufferable complainy-pants newspaper columnist C.W. Nevius, whose “Get off my lawn” diatribes for some reason have been published by the San Francisco Chronicle for the last 36 years. Nevius announced he was leaving the Chronicle this week, and we slam the door behind him with this retrospective of his haughtiest, dipshittiest and harrumphiest bad reporting.

Warning: Many of the SFGate links below have an autoplay video ads with sound, because the Chronicle is pretty much bankrupt at this point.

dildos

Image: Chanel Beck via Flickr

Dildo Error Brings Nationwide Ridicule

Nevius’ sloppy reporting made Poynter.org’s The best (and worst) media errors and corrections of 2012 list when he forced The Chronicle to issue the following retraction:

C.W. Nevius’ column about Most Holy Redeemer banning drag queen performers incorrectly stated that entertainer Peaches Christ appeared at an event at the church’s hall with a dildo shaped like a crucifix. He did not appear at the event, nor does he use the prop.

It’s ‘she’, motherfuckers! You address a drag queen as ‘she’.

Nevius Skips Muni Fare, Gets Inspector in Trouble

In January of this year, Chuck wrote a whole article complaining that he got busted for not paying Muni fare, which happens to me like every day. Even though Nevius got off scot-free because the fare inspector recognized him, he still complained of the inspector that “for Christmas Eve, the guy was a bit of a supercilious jerk.” The poor fare inspector got in trouble and SFMTA launched an investigation into the incident.

homeless

Image: Bart Everson via Flickr

Nevius Hates Acts Of Kindness Toward The Homeless

Back when the Super Bowl came to town and the homeless encampments were cleared, activists started a crowdfunding campaign to buy tents for the displaced. Nevius hated this. “The city isn’t a free-ranging campground,” he bitched. “Although the tents get people out of the rain, they also convince homeless people that they’re allowed to create campgrounds on city sidewalks. That’s not acceptable.”

Nevius Whines About Nudists

Perhaps the most Nevius headline ever was “Castro naked guys have gone too far” from 2012. “Two weeks ago my family and I were having brunch at Starbelly restaurant at the corner of Market and 16th streets, when the naked parade trooped past,” curmudged Nevius. “There wasn’t a person in the place who cracked a smile. In fact, as far as I could tell the prevailing response was a single word – yuck.”

Nevius Uses Words Like ‘Boneheads’ and ‘Knuckleheads’

As proof that he is about 90 years old, C-Dub complained in 2015 that “boneheads”, “knuckleheads” and “idiots” were turning Dolores Park into a “’consequence-free zone”. Because this guy just loves consequences.

‘Black Lives Matter’ Does Not Matter To Nevius

Nevius was none too happy when Mario Woods protesters shut down the Bay Bridge earlier this year. “Drivers were inconvenienced,” wrote Mr. Missing-The-Point. “I don’t really see how blocking the bridge made that point, but they’ve definitely got our attention. Now, what do they want to say?”

The Listening Movement is not exactly this guy’s strong point.

This list only covers Nevius’ various assholisms going back to 2010. But this guy’s been rhetorically wagging his finger in the Chronicle since 1980. That does make him technically something of a local institution, and if someone can do something for 36 years then you have to figure they’re doing something very right and they have some level of skill or appeal.

Either that or Nevius has been sucking some wealthy Chronicle benefactor’s dick for the last 36 years. I’m going with the latter.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Trump Fortune-Telling Machine Placed at Trump Tower

Next post

Silicon Valley Fashion Week?! is the Weirdest Fashion Show on Earth


Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

2 Comments

  1. Kevin Smith
    October 18, 2016 at 8:31 am

    San Franciscan’s so inclined, can celebrate his departure by squatting and taking a big shit on the sidewalk! Shit everywhere, what “progressives” have done for San Francisco.

    • Jonathan
      November 23, 2016 at 7:53 am

      Oh brother. You’re a simpleton.