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7 Pumpkin Spice Products that Just Shouldn’t Exist

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Never before has there been a single flavor that is so completely associated with a very specific group of people: basic white girls…in Uggs…and yoga pants. Pumpkin Spice seems to so perfectly embody what it apparently means to be a basic white girl. Then again I have no real bearing on the situation because I feel like half of the people who throw the term around would qualify as basic white girls themselves. I guess it’s kinda like being a hipster or a junkie; everyone else is one but you.

Anyways, given that advertisers found that marketing to such a specific demographic is was a fucking bonanza, we’ve seen a very strange proliferation of Pumpkin Spice flavored things. It’s not just lattes any more folks. Below are 7 Pumpkin Spice products that just shouldn’t exist:

Pumpkin Spice Four Loko


image from total frat move

Nothing says “I’m gonna ruin Thanksgiving” better than drinking Pumpkin Spice Four Loko. Take a phrase like “Uncle Jerry, that thing you said about Black Lives Matter was racist” then add some Pumpkin Spice Four Loko and watch it become “FUCK YOU UNCLE JERRY YOU RACIST PIG FUCKER! I WILL FLIP THIS GODDAMN TABLE OVER RIGHT NOW…oh wooo there’s more Four Loko!”**

**Note I don’t think Pumpkin Spice Four Loko is an actual thing. Pretty sure it was a hoax a few years back.

Pumpkin Spice Pringles



image from ScotsdaleOne

What kind of monster are you? Who eats these fucking abominations? I think I want to cry now.

Pumpkin Spice Vape


image from ScotsdaleOne

Not only are you walking around sucking on something that looks like a robot penis, but you’re sucking on something that looks like a robot penis AND tastes like Pumpkin Spice. You’re gonna look back and realize you were on the wrong side of history.

Pumpkin Spice It’s-It


image from Pop Sugar

Nah, we’re cool Pumpkin Spice It’s-It. You’re actually delicious. I don’t even know how you got on this list. The Strawberry It’s-It though…well, that was a let down.

Pumpkin Spice Vodka


You know what? You can go fuck yourself Burnett’s. People drinking fireball is bad enough, but with this product you’re just guaranteeing drunk white girls passed out in puddles of their own vomit.

Pumpkin Spice Country Crock


image from Junk Food Guy

So let me get this straight, not only is this not real butter, it’s now flavored with some weird Pumpkin Spice shit to make it taste like some kind of weird Pumpkin Spice candle? Because there’s no other way it could taste lie anything else. Also, is the Pumpkin Spice one of the artificial or natural flavors?

Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M



While I will admit the M&M barista with the scarf and the glasses is kinda a babe, I still maintain that this M&M just reaching too hard. Stick to what your’e good at M&M: peanuts, peanut butter, milk chocolate, animated candies. You KILL it at those things. This whole Pumpkin Spice Latte thing is beneath you. I just want you to know that.

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.